overwhelm {me}...

I should be finishing my homework right now... but Isaiah 61 & I Want to know You by Jesus Culture are distracting me, making me want to jump up & down::

soak up some truth & goodness...

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
{isaiah sixty-one}

{Grace never ending
Your hands they carry me
Your body is broken
for all the world to see
my heart is held
by love so unconditional
You captivate me
let Your spirit overwhelm me
let Your presence overtake my heart...}

{picture, totally unrelated:: just r-e-a-l-l-y missing my twin right now..
it has officially been the longest we've gone without communication.}

good friday..

{I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO MISS THIS SWEET OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIENCE A NIGHT OF WORSHIP & REFLECTION OF THE MOMENTS LEADING UP TO THE DEATH OF OUR SAVIOUR & A CELEBRATION OF HIS RESURRECTION!!!}

team Thailand...

my sister has been in Thailand for almost a week now & I got this cute, short, but sweet e-mail from her this morning:

"Hey I'm staying in a legit hut in a remote part of thai outside of mai sot ...so yeah! And ALL meals are rice...little to no english is spoken and all of the dts students are from the burmese refugee camp... Okay bye"

....just continue to pray for her, her team, safety, & the people they'll be sharing Jesus with!

TEAM THAILAND from Scott Berry on Vimeo.

excitement..

I should definitely be finishing my homework right now, but I can't help but stop for a while & read, write, & reflect on the things God has done, is doing, & is going to do in & through my life right now!

A few weeks ago I wrote in my journal; "God I need just enough faith, I need faith to believe the impossible in my life, help my unbelief", then a few days later I wrote out a list of God-sized things in my life that are seemingly impossible for me, but not for my God.

Because I've asked God for huge things in my life in the past {some of which I've been writing & writing & writing & writing some more}, but didn't have 100% faith that He could fulfill them, big or small. That what I was asking for, the God of the universe couldn't make happen with the snap of a finger.

I had a twinge of doubt deep inside.. the doubt has slowly but surely been shedding from my mind & I'm REALLY starting to truly believe & acknowledge the greatness of my God & the miraculous things He can & will do. Getting rid of the twinge of doubt & also changing my list from the selfish things that I think I need to asking for the desires of God's heart to be desires of my heart as well.

Doubt still seeps in sometimes, but the power of God covers it & sends signs to show me He's constantly working in mysterious & miraculous ways, that leave me speechless, thankful, & feeling really spoiled!

Not everything on my list has & maybe never will come to fruition or be answered with a clear yes, no, or not yet, but several of them have & it's just crazy how SO many things in my life {BIG & small} can't be explained except for God. God. God.

HIS grip..

"your HEAVENLY FATHER has a firm grip on you. HIS vantage point is way above the water level. HE'S bigger than you. HE'S stronger than you. and HE'S got you safely in HIS grip. it gets better: when you get down to it, you're not the one holding on to HIM -- HE'S holding on to you. maybe you're afraid that if you pray a sun stand still prayer & live in audacious faith, you'll end up letting GOD down. but the reality is, you were never holding HIM up."
--steven furtick, sun stand still

wait? wait.

I'VE BEEN DEBATING WITH MYSELF ABOUT WHAT "WORD" I WOULD DECLARE AS MY OWN TO SOMEHOW (IN TWO MINUTES..) BE ABLE TO VERBALIZE WHAT GOD HAS DONE IN MY LIFE. MY TWO WORD STORY.

{side note: when I think of these "two word stories" i think of what someone was BEFORE they knew Christ & how the SAME word is used in their story AFTER they began to know Christ how the meaning or significance of the word changed... i got saved when i was six years old. so what defined me before i knew Christ as a six year old? i lied to my mom about why i hit one sister or called the other sister stupid? so I'm using a word that has defined me & changed in meaning to me most significantly since I've been in college...up until now!}

I LIKE WORDS. I LOVE WORDS ACTUALLY. I LOVE DICTIONARIES. I LOVE THESAURUS' MORE. I LIKE TO TALK, BUT SOMETIMES I TALK TOO MUCH. WHILE OTHER TIMES I DON'T HAVE WORDS TO VERBALIZE, SO I HAVE TO EXPRESS THEM VIA WRITING OR TYPING THEM. SO IT'S TAKEN ME A LITTLE WHILE TO FINALLY SETTLE ON JUST ONE WORD.

w a i t {? / .}

SO LOW & BEHOLD, HERE'S MY {PROBABLY MORE THAN} TWO MINUTE STORY...

weakness: impatience.
IT'S NOTHING I'M PROUD OF, BUT I DON'T TEND TO BE A VERY PATIENT PERSON.
I CAN BE, BUT I HAVE TO ASK GOD TO FILL ME WITH IT EVERY MORNING!!!!!
I LIKE TO DRIVE FAST.
GET FROM POINT A TO POINT B AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
I AVOID LONG LINES.
I DON'T WAIT FOR CLOSE PARKING SPOTS WHEN I CAN PARK A FEW SPOTS FARTHER FROM THE DOOR & GET INSIDE JUST AS QUICKLY AS I COULD HAVE IF I HAD WAITED FOR THE CLOSER SPOT. {I GET EXCITED WHEN I GET A GOOD SPOT WITHOUT TRYING THOUGH!!}
I LIKE FAST RESULTS.
I LIKE TO JUST KNOW.
I WANT TO KNOW, NOW.
NOT IN FIVE MINUTES OR TEN YEARS: RIGHT NOW.

...wait?
THUS... I AM ALWAYS YEARNING FOR DETAILS. I LIKE TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, EVEN BEFORE IT HAPPENS. SUSPENSE KILLS ME. I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES. I'M ANXIOUS & ANTSY ABOUT THE FUTURE. I DAY DREAM A LOT. I'VE WASTED PRECIOUS TIME WISHING MY LIFE AWAY. I'VE SPENT A LONG TIME WALLOWING IN SELF PITY WANTING SOMETHING MORE OR WAITING FOR SOMETHING ELSE & NOT BEING SATISFIED WITH WHERE I'M AT.

IN MY JOURNAL {MORE OFTEN TIMES THAN NOT} I'VE WRITTEN TO GOD: OK GOD, WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY? I. NEED. TO. KNOW.... NOW.

MORE RECENTLY I WENT THROUGH A FEW MONTHS OF JUST QUESTIONING GOD. BEING FRUSTRATED WITH GOD. WONDERING "WHEN IN THE WORLD GOD ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING IN MY FAVOR FOR ONCE, BLESS ME. GIVE ME THIS. DO THAT. SHOW ME CLEARLY WHICH WAY TO GO." LITERALLY IN TEARS NIGHT AFTER NIGHT PLEADING TO GOD FOR DIRECTION, ANSWERS, SIGNS, A JOB, HEALING, MOTIVATION, THE LIST GOES ON... {selfishly waiting on God}

selfishness. controlling. contempt. worry. jealousy. envy. anxiousness. lack of faith. lack of trust.

...wait.
me: GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG FOR THIS, FOR THAT, FOR YOU TO DO THIS, FOR YOU TO DO THAT?!

god: BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO LEARN HOW TO BE PATIENT.
SO YOU CAN LEARN TO TRUST IN MY PLAN FOR YOU & BELIEVE THAT I WANT TO BLESS YOU & GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART.
THAT MY TIMING IS PERFECT.
THAT I BRING YOU THROUGH SEASONS & VALLEYS TO GET YOU READY FOR WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU ON THE NEXT PAGE, IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.
SO THAT YOU'LL LEARN TO SIT BACK & ENJOY THE STORY UNFOLDING INSTEAD OF ALWAYS WANTING TO READ THE LAST PAGE FIRST.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE. HE'S THE ONE WHO WROTE IT, NOT ME, I'M JUST A CHARACTER IN THIS STORY. SO I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE WAITING FOR WHAT IS ON THE NEXT PAGE OR IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

SO HERE I AM NOW, FINDING CONTENTMENT, HAVING REAL FAITH, COMPLETELY TRUSTING, ABSOLUTELY BELIEVING, BEING TOTALLY SATISFIED, LETTING GO OF ALL CONTROL, & HAVING HOPE IN MY GOD PAVING THE WAY FOR ME. WRITING EVERY WORD JUST HOW IT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN, DEVELOPING DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF THE STORY AS THEY NEED TO DEVELOP.

IT'S KIND OF SCARY & NERVE WRACKING WHEN YOU'RE WALKING BLINDLY THROUGH THE PLOT TO A STORY, BUT COMFORTING WHEN THE AUTHOR REMINDS YOU HE LOVES YOU, ALREADY HAS THE STORY WRITTEN, & KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING NEXT, WHEN I DON'T.

ALL THE TIME I'VE SPENT {AND WILL SPEND} WAITING ON GOD, WAS {IS} TIME HE WAS {IS} TEACHING ME PATIENCE, SHOWING ME HE'S IN CONTROL, LETTING ME LOOK BACK & RECOGNIZE THAT HIS TIMING IS PERFECT, & THAT HE DOES NOT DELAY... THAT HE WAS {IS} LITTLE BY LITTLE PREPARING ME FOR WHAT WAS {IS} ON THE NEXT PAGE, NOT LEAVING ME IN THE DARK TO AGGRAVATE ME!!

feeling content. heaps of faith. lots of trust. pure belief. satisfaction. comfort. goodness. hope.

{wait} for the LORD, be strong & take heart, and {wait} for the LORD.
those who {wait} for the LORD will renew their strength, they will run & not grow weary.
I {wait} for the LORD, my whole being {waits} and in his word I put my hope.
but if we hope for what we do not have yet, we {wait} for it patiently.

HE will not delay..

This past week seems like it's been dragging on more than usual? I don't know why, but it was just kind of a horrible week with school, my car, just feeling really negative & blue, & missing my sister(s). But it was such a rich weekend with the 400-some people I got to experience God with, so that should have left me in a really good mood all week!

I definitely think it was the Devil trying to seep his way into my heart for sure. Just every morning this week was awful & leaving me in a bad, nasty mood, instead of making the best out of the worst or rejoicing & being glad. BUT low and behold my Lisa came in & saved the day(s) with a pep-talk/reminder/encouragement that made me remember I was trying to finish these thoughts LAST week, but forgot about them..

So my mom is full of a lot of wisdom & good-solid-advice.. which I am SO thankful for, I hope if I have a daughter someday, I can pour as much wisdom & good advice into her as my mom always has into me!! BUT all that to say ONE of the good things she ALWAYS reminds me of is the only three ways God answer's prayer requests, no matter how big or small: Yes. No. Wait.

{At Lighthouse two weeks ago Cliff talked about Habakkuk & how he was waiting on an answer from God & I read these verses over the weekend on our retreat..so I had to finish writing about it!!}

US: How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
GOD: Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.

{For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay!!!!!!!!!!!}

So we get on our knees before God, asking him for this or that {you fill in the blank}. Waiting for God to answer our pleads. Obviously we wouldn't mind if God answered everything we prayed about with a YES or in the way WE want them to be answered... but there are times when we have to reluctantly be content with a no or a not yet.

Those are the seasons that might seem like a valley or leave us angry with why God isn't answering our prayer the way WE want Him to. Or these seasons of "no" or "wait" can be used to grow closer to the Him...

If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, then God is still paving the way for something great coming our way. If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, maybe God is using that time to bring us closer to Him. If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, we need to keep our eyes & heart open for the little things, all leading to the end result our God has for us.

When God says "no" to something as much as it hurts to swallow that {especially if it's something we were SO sure about} and as hard as it is to accept a straight up NO, maybe not right then, but eventually you'll start to see exactly why God said no to something or didn't make something happen in the way WE wanted it to. We start to pray harder, or more frequently, trying to fight the NO. Trying to change God's mind somehow. When that happens to me, I'm so sure of something and then it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to, I can always see later on that it was really a blessing that God had a different plan for me rather than giving me what I thought I needed. We serve a gracious God, who wants & desires the BEST for us, He knows what we need, WHEN we need it. He doesn't delay.

{another thing my mom always tells me is if God doesn't answer our prayers in a way we wanted Him to or the way we thought He was going to (a NO or a WAIT) that He has something ELSE, something BETTER waiting for us...that He's still preparing us for!!}

Then there's the times when God gives us what we've been praying for. A yes. He answers a prayer {big or small} with a YES. A go ahead. A it's time. He doesn't delay. He knows we're ready for something, He knows it's time for this or that. What!? It's exciting & scary at the same time. Too good to be true. Blessing. Joy. Happiness. Undeserving. It's almost like this answer is more work than a "wait" or a "no" because it's a constant, day to day surrender to the One who blessed us with our YES. Giving up whatever it is He's blessed us with & remembering none of it's ours.

{in other news totally unrelated, it needs to be s p r i n g already.}

Holy.

{disclaimer, I realize worship isn't just music, as Christians everything in our lives can be a form of worship for our Saviour, in this instance I'm talking about worship through music...}

I think music period moves me more than the average person either the actual music or the lyrics {or both} but I think worship music moves me more.

I like to have a lot of room around me during worship. I like having my eyes closed {unless I don't know the song, then I read the words!!} I tend to sway a lot & move back & forth to the beat of the music. At some points I might jump up & down because of how excited I am about how good my God is too me, even though the words on a screen or coming from my mouth don't compare or comprehend to the goodness my God deserves.

I think I love worship because it's a freeing experience. Being undignified in every sense of the word because it's not about impressing the people around me...it's about the Creator.

These worship experiences here on earth are just temporary though. They only last for a little while, we can try our hardest to make it last but this world is full of distraction.

My heart longs for the time I get to Heaven & I will fall on my face in worship before my Creator. In awe of such power & beauty before me. Then, it won't be a temporary worship event, it will be an eternal worship experience!!

There's this song called Holy that was recorded from IHOP(rayer) {not to be confused with the 24-hour brekky joint, IHOP(ancakes).} in Kansas City. Basically every time I listen to it when I'm doing my homework, running, getting ready for the day, or driving, it drives me crazy. It might be dangerous someday because I want to just stop everything I'm doing & close my eyes & sing it at the top of my lungs. This particular version of the song starts off with a section of Revelation 4 where it is describing "The Throne of Heaven", where we'll {as believers} gather on our faces before the King of Kings to utter praises to Him.....

"I was caught up at once in deep worship and, oh!—a Throne set in Heaven with One Seated on the Throne, suffused in gem hues of amber and flame with a nimbus of emerald. Twenty-four thrones circled the Throne, with Twenty-four Elders seated, white-robed, gold-crowned. Lightning flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne. Seven fire-blazing torches fronted the Throne (these are the Sevenfold Spirit of God). Before the Throne it was like a clear crystal sea.{2-6, the Message}

"In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying:
“‘Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,’
who was, and is, and is to come.”
Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say: “You are worthy, our Lord and God, 
 to receive glory and honor and power, 
for you created all things, 
and by your will they were created and have their being.”{7-11, NIV}

I can't wait.

words + phrases...

movies. faithfulness. God-sized-prayer-requests. snow. learning. good-byes. hope. school. work. holidays. blessed. dreams. boots. new year. snuggly babies. quality friends. laughter. family. relaxation. imperfection. french press. sleeping in. painting nails. pleading for wisdom+healing. shopping. burt's bees. gift-giving. sledding. royal oak. a good cry {or two}. text messages. God's goodness. Hope in hurt+pain. skype. new adventures. slow to speak+quick to listen. creativity. worship. journals. enjoying the ride. in awe. small group. australia. reading. rest in Him. connections. courageous. sweaters. curiosity. answered prayers. at a loss for words. unfailing Love. gracious. talking about God. talking to God.. a lot.

{photo}

The LORD has done great things for {me}, and {I am} filled with joy. {psalm one-twenty-six:three}

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not provide false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. {habakkuk two:three}

au revoir twin..

I don't know if people understand the closeness I share with my twin sister.. we're kind of like a married couple. When I talk to other people I use "we" or "us" a lot. I'm not used to talking to someone & saying "I" or "me". But low & behold, the day has come! We are entering a new season of OUR lives: separation.The longest we've been apart is probably a week? And that was with texting, calling, & facebook! So.. the million dollar question I've been hearing a lot lately is how I'm going to cope without the twin for SIX months.
It really hasn't hit me & probably won't either until tomorrow when we leave the airport or probably Sunday night going to Lighthouse by myself, or sometime next week when I finally realize "oh I have my own car now, I don't have to go pick the twin up from work" or "sweet, I have no one to complain about my mom to!!" :) Either way.. I think {key word: think} I'm ready for it, but we'll see!!
It's kind of exciting too though because we're going to be living six months without each other, being our own person, no longer identifying to new people we meet as "twins" but Courtney or Lindsay. For the first time in both our lives we're going to be experiencing new things without each other as a side kick, support, or security blanket.
All I know is God has paved the way for Courtney's journey from dreaming to it actually being time to start this new adventure! She has done a lot of hard work to get to this point & I know she's been faithful to God calling her to this ministry in the land down under!
So instead of worrying about me & how I'm going to be without her here at home, pray for her safety, for her team she'll be living & working with for the next six months, for funds that still need to be raised, & for Courtney to just be another tool for increasing the Kingdom!

{read about her adventures here..}

we need Him, I need Him..

IT FEELS LIKE A CONUNDRUM WHEN YOU KNOW & CAN EVIDENTLY SEE SO MUCH BLESSING IN YOUR LIFE BUT FEEL EMPTY & DRY AT THE SAME TIME. LETTING THE DEVIL RUN IN & STEAL JOY & STRIP YOU OF HAPPINESS. BUT ITS TIMES LIKE THIS WHERE GOD IS USING THIS AS A GENTLE REMINDER {to me anyway} THAT WE'RE {I'm} TRYING TO DO LIFE WITHOUT HIM & HE WANTS US {me} TO NEED HIM. WE {I} NEED HIM.

james one

totally obsessed..

It's almost a new year!? Where did this year go.. seriously. Twenty-ten.. will go down in history as quite an eventful one in the book of Lindsay. SO many adventures, blessings, & overwhelming-ness {that's a word now}. I wish I could put into words how great my God is & how much He's done & is doing in my life through such an eventful year.

I'm speechless, but SO thankful.

{I haven't read this book, but I came across this quote from "Crazy Love", I think I need to add it to my list of books to read..}

"God has given you this good stuff so that you can show the world a person who enjoys blessings, but who is still totally obsessed with God." --francis chan

overwhelmed..

For our third-annual Christmas get-together with my girls {babes, sisters...}, we got all dolled up & had a huge, delicious dinner together.

I love dressing up, I love dresses, I love wearing heels, I love putting make-up on, I love curling my hair, I love it. So its always exciting to get all dolled-up for dinner with some of my favorite girls. In years past we've gone out to eat all dressed up, but this year it was kind of sweet just dressing up to go over to Angela's.

After we ate & took pictures {of course}, we put our "cozy clothes" on, ate dessert, & started what turned into an almost four hour period of time of just sharing what God has been doing in our lives since the last time we all met {in this setting, last spring}

It was one of the best experiences I've ever had & will always remember. One by one, we all talked about God, our families, school, work, guys, friends, & everything else in-between, struggles, highs, lows, & weaknesses, but there was so much openness, honesty, & rawness. And there was a lot of tears & tissues, but also a lot of laughs. It was so great!!
Once more & more of us started talking about our lives over the past few months, we started to see a trend or thread throughout each of our stories/updates that all kind of related to each other. It was so encouraging!

It's also just sweet to think back over the last few years that this group of girls have been together. We've all grown & matured SO much, its awesome. It's awesome that we have each other to share about what Gods doing in our lives with!
There was one point when we gathered around Angela & prayed over her. It was so great, she has prayed over us & for us so many times, it was so sweet to be able to come around her & pray over her!

When I left {at 2:30am} I felt so filled, so overwhelmed, and just feeling overly blessed once again by God's greatness in my life.

How did I get so blessed with such a rich sisterhood that I know I'll have around me for years to come!? I wish every girl could experience times like these & have a group of sisters like mine...

It was definitely a sweet early Christmas gift..

simple.

Here's what I want you to do: find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. {Just be there...as simply and honestly as you can manage.} The focus will shift from you to God & you will begin to sense his grace.
{matthew six:six, the message}

{I wish the word(s) 'simply' or 'honestly' were in this picture...}

christmasy faves..

I love Christmas! I love autumn time, but I think I love Christmas more.. so here are just some of the things I love about the season!


1. Christmas cookies.. I think I like baking them more than eating them though, which is good right!?
2. Giving Christmas gifts, especially if it's something someone really wanted!
3. Advent Songs by Sojourn.
4. Santa. I still & always will get gifts from "Santa" on Christmas morning.
5. It's A Wonderful Life.
6. Christmas lights.
7. Peppermint Mocha's.
8. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
9. Being with the whole Fillmore clan.
10. Snowmen.

+ I love that the last two Christmas' I've had a get-together with all these lovelies...and the tradition continues net week!!

journals..

journal: (noun) a daily record of news and events of a personal nature; a diary.

I love them. I've been faithfully writing in a journal since I was in middle school(ish).. from time to time I dig them all out of this box I keep them in & read what ever I wrote on the day I'm reading it or the closest to it, always a good time..."Hmm what was Lindsay Fillmore doing on December 7th, 2004..."

It's embarrassing to read some of my really old journals because what I wrote & had to say when I was 12-15. A lot of it was quite insignificant & pointless, but always fun to read & try to remember what or why I was writing what I wrote..

Obviously over the years they've matured a little bit & have steered from what I did on a given day while I was in eighth grade to more of a place I can write out what is on my heart as a dialogue between God & I, that I don't talk about with even my closest friends.

My journals are kind of like a part of me, I typically always have it with me, & I get excited when I start a new one, but kind of sad when I end one! I've noticed lately that a lot of my journals reflect different seasons of my life, which I love, because it's kind of like a chapter book.
{I also like that I'm the only one who can read it.. how do I know this? Because I always have it with me!}

I write it more of a prayer journal, where it's mostly "God, this is what's going on in my life right now..." not just a "Dear Diary..." I like the exclusiveness of a conversation between just God & I, but since it's written down, I can always go back & read it!

It's been sweet to read the journals I've kept since high school, just seeing all God has done in my life, prayers He's answered, things He's taught me, & things He's showed me through highs, lows, pits, blessings, & every other season of my life I've experienced & written about.{on a side note, this week my two favorite songs this week are Rocketeer by Far East Movement + Strip Me by Natasha Bedingfeild.. I think God is telling me I need to run more because they both make me want to go running.}

hey December...

..so about this diet I've been on for the last month. It was so refreshing to not be consumed by things that don't matter or are distracting to me for a few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that the social networking scene is good for staying connected with people I don't see on a regular basis, so I have missed that, but really don't miss any of it otherwise.

It was all really what I needed coming out of such a pit! It hasn't been easy, but it's been so good. October was really yucky, November was really great, & now it's December already!?

Can I share two verses that were shared with me earlier in November after talking about all of this fasting, the pit that was October & just being all-around distracted for so long? Of course I can! So I used two different versions of the Bible to smash these two verses together:

{...casting down arguments & every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. [New King James]

...our {God}tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction & building lives of obedience into maturity. [The Message]}
{second corinthians ten:five & six}

the cliché thanksgiving blog..

I didn't want to do it, but it has to happen; the cliché thanksgiving blog..

First of all, it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving.. it definitely crept up on me, I don't know where November went + it's not as cold as Michigan typically is right now.

{side note: I feel like autumn is over right after Thanksgiving because the world is consumed by everything Christmas once it's over... even though it technically isn't winter until December 21st, so it makes me kind of sad that now I have to get ready for a long winter.}

Thanksgiving since I can remember in the Fillmore house {when we stay home} involves a lot of cooking, watching the parade, the whole clan under one roof, just spending time together, eating a lot, & the day typically ends with a lot of sweatshirts, pajamas, & being cozy while watching It's A Wonderful Life. It just makes me smile, happy, & feeling blessed.
So here are just some of the things I'm thankful for right now:my big family: mom & dad Fillmore, the sisters, & the brothers {my life would be so boring without them} + friends that I can talk about God with, what He's doing in our lives, & encourage each other + being a part of a church body that's alive & thriving to increase the Kingdom + second, third, fourth, hundredth chances.. how did I get so lucky & why has God blessed me so much?

{psalm one-hundred}

*I randomly saw Brandon Flowers last night {for FREE!} & can't stop listening to his song {Only the Young}, the video for it is pretty great.

still not wanting to grow up, still wanting to go to paris, + cute things from poppytalk...

So I have a whole slew of random blogs I like to keep up with, one of them being: {poppytalk}, it's loaded with a lot of cute things + inspires me to be more creative.
just some of the cuteness I've accumulated from poppytalk are these photos this woman sells on etsy that are my new favorites, they remind me of my photo class in high school, we did something like this where we developed some prints with text on top of our photos, so this one intriuged me + the quote is from peter pan!
"forget them, wendy. forget them all. come with me where you'll never, never, have to worry about grown up things again."
{if only it were that easy peter..}
...and I have a serious infatuation with the city of Paris + the Eiffel Tower {...and I plan going there someday}, so I fell in love with more picture from this woman's etsy shop.
...and just some more cute things I found on poppytalk was this cute & creative fireplace, just one reason I need to live in an 1800's style house someday with great crown molding around a fireplace.
...and my fave passage of the Bible {ecclesiastes three} was mentioned on Sunday at Lighthouse & made me re-read it again for the thousandth time & soak it up that there's a time & season for everything. truth. truth. truth.

...and it's kind of making me sad that all the fall leaves have fallen & have been raked up & the trees are naked, leaving the midwestern scenery very bland, gray, & depressing, until it's nighttime & you can see Christmas lights.

...also I think I'm jumping the gun a little but I'm keeping the National in my memory bank for my winter playlist, they just sound like winter time. I've had Slow Show on repeat today..and I wouldn't mind learning how to play England on the piano.

a heart diet..

I've been on a diet for the past two weeks. Not your typical diet to lose weight, I could stand to lose a few pounds here or there I'm sure, but I've maintained the same weight since I was a freshman in high school, so I think I'll be fine, for now, because it's not really what's important to me right now. I've been on & am still on more of a distraction-social-networking-cleansing-re-focusing-esque diet of my heart, head, & life in general.

All stemming from the month of October. It was really just yucky to put it lightly. It was just a really dark, low, not-very-Lindsay-ish, month. It was just an all around tear-filled, worthless-depressing-feeling, disappointing, few weeks of October. Honestly a few weeks of feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my whole life.

I'm pretty blessed to have grown up knowing what I'm truly worth. To my parents, to my family, to my God. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up in a good, no, great home. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up with not much tragedy, heartache, or real suffering. I can only smile looking at the life God's given me. It hasn't always been a walk in the park, but in perspective, as my wise mother always says: "If you're having {even the slightest form of} a bad day, remember someone else is having a worse one". I can have some REALLY terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days here or there, but they last like Alexander's, just a day {or so} & then everything is back to "normal".

...just some "bad days" that stick out in my mind in the life of Lindsay Fillmore:

• running out of gas.
• being late.
• days that of hating every-minute of watching toddlers.
• not being able to pay for big things: my rent {when I lived out of my parents house, they ever-so graciously let me sleep under their roof again for free}, my car insurance, my insulin.
• having high blood sugar, or just struggling with my diabetes in general.
• watching my sisters do awesome stuff & feeling useless because I just go to school & watch babies all day.
• not getting a job(s) that looked very promising.
• two deaths in our family within a week of each other a few years ago.

Some seem harmless & kind of bratty right? In the scheme of things I consider myself blessed again if some of those are the "bad days"I tend to have. I also would consider myself a pretty happy, out-going, positive person more-often-times-than-not, so these "bad days" were very foreign to me, especially when they became constant.

There were days that I'd just literally feel nothing. Like an empty-shell-of a person. I would want to be in my bed all day, not do anything, not talk to anyone, not eat, not go to class, not go to work, not go to church or lighthouse, drive home alone literally crying to God asking Him to pull me out of whatever *this* foreign pit was. I wanted to just sit in my bed, sleep, or cry for no reason, and sometimes I couldn't even cry. {I'm a girl, I'm an emotional girl, I cry. But it was not normal to be upset or want to curl up in a ball at any given time.}

In the midst of all that being the majority of my month, God was still doing something in my heart. I could still feel Him trying to say: "Lindsay, I'm meeting you here. I'm breaking your heart because YOU NEED ME. You can't do this by yourself. You're worth more than anything to Me. I have better things for you in the future, just wait a little longer, be patient. Here is my hand, just take it & get out of this low-pit! I'm the hope you're looking for, that you need."

But I was still being stubborn & letting the enemy fill my heart & mind with: "Lindsay, you're worthless. It's ok to be jealous, you deserved it instead. You're stuck & I'm not going to let you go. You're hurting heart, is just what I wanted. Just stay here in this low-pit with me."

A few days before November started I was still having a lot of these feelings but also having this hope moving inside of me, so I decided I needed to cut things out of my life, step back, strip my heart down, & clear the way to let God do some real healing.

I decided to go on a detox, diet, strip-down. Starting with anything social-network-related {I have cheated a time-or-two, but for the most part have really not been so consumed by it, and I like it}. Spending more time looking for, listening to, seeking, & waiting on God. Eating healthier {still not a real diet, just to be healthier of course}. Not wearing as much make-up as I typically do. Spending more time investing in people; friends, family, my small group girls. And a whole laundry list of other little things to just help myself throughout the month of November.

It's November 15th. I can't even believe this month is already half over. I can't even believe how much more of God I've been seeing. I can't even believe the joy + thanksgiving {appropriate word for November right?} I've been experiencing in the last few weeks.

It's good. It's really good, even though the enemy is still alive & well trying to whisper in my ear that I don't deserve to be out of the "pit", that I should still be down there with him. God is SO faithful I can't even handle it! He meets us where we are, He is renewing our hearts every hour at our highest or at our lowest. He breaks us down when we {I} start to think we {I} can do this life on our {my} own to remind us {me} we {I} NEED HIM EVERY HOUR.

One reason I think God put "my sisters" blog on my heart coming out of October was so I could re-read it over & over again to let it seep into me, just as much as I intended it to seep into every female I know or don't know.

...now go listen to "I Need Thee Every Hour" by Jars of Clay.

oh Jónsi...

I forgot to add this into my "insignificant blog post", then I realized it's not actually insignificant... well to me anyway!

I saw Jónsi last week. I'm not a hardcore "Yo-n-zee" fan, but I do enjoy his relaxing, creative, artistic, harmony creations along with his band Sigur Rós'. He's crazy, but brilliant at the same time.

{can I share that I spent an entire semester in a piano class during my senior year of high school teaching myself how to play a song from Sigur Rós called Hoppipolla. Watching YouTube video clips, using sheet music, figuring out how to stretch my fingers so far.. it's still one of the only songs I can play on the piano..}

Anyway, the whole evening was an event in itself {music aside}, but I have only ever heard good things about his shows & how they leave you blown away. So I had pretty high expectations.

It was more than I expected. It was unlike any musical experience I've ever had. I really do enjoy music a lot more when I hear it live. I appreciate it more, especially if it's done well.

I appreciate Jónsi more now. The creativity, was beyond me. The backdrops. The music. I've heard that it's like a spiritual experience, I can see that. There were times I wanted to just close my eyes & soak it all in, but I didn't want to miss what was going on.

It was seriously a beautiful portrayal of musical & artistic creativity. I suggest you see him live, if you'd like to experience music in a way you've never experienced before.

{photo credit: Phil Southern}

there is no significance..

+I almost didn't post this just because it holds no significance whatsoever, especially compared to the last blog I posted on here..BUT regardless can I vent for a second? I love Christmas, I love decorations, I love the hustle & bustle, I love the Christmas drinks from Starbucks, I love their red-holiday cups. Do me a favor if you work at Starbucks & don't put my Christmas drink in a regular cup. It's such a let down, the Peppermint Mocha just doesn't taste the same coming out of a regular cup..


+In other news, I started a new job. I needed to be with people. Not babies, toddlers, or kids. I love them, but I needed to find a job where I could have a conversation about something other than my favorite color or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, that doesn't involve; potty-training, sticky fingers, playing with Play-Doh, cranky four-year olds, or making grilled cheese. I had been looking for a new job since September & had several very-hopeful interviews & filled out applications for a whole variety of jobs, but none of them worked out.


+But within a week of applying to Banana Republic I had two interviews & was hired! I'm now an employee at a store I've never shopped at, am intimidated by, at a mall I despise, & at the last place I ever imagined I'd work at, but I'm excited about it. I haven't been employed by a company for the last three years & never for such a huge corporation, such as Gap Inc., so I have already learned a lot & have a lot more to learn, but it's good + I don't mind having to dress up for work, instead of just rolling out of bed, putting a hat on & a pair of jeans that I don't mind getting dirty, & I'm a fan of a 50% discount.

for all my sisters...

This... has taken a long time for me to write! It's hard to talk about some of these topics, but I tried to do it as carefully as I could because it all means a lot to me. It took a lot of tweaking & a lot of asking God for the right words to use. But low & behold here is a lot of words regarding a whole plethora of things I'm passionate about. It's long, so get ready.

I'm writing this specifically geared toward a potpourri of lovely high school girls in my life that are a part of Woodside Student Ministry, but it can relate to any female really no matter her age, including myself. So read this as if I was sitting across from you at Starbucks over a cup of coffee or hot chocolate....

If you & I were sitting down at a Starbucks, Caribou, Panera, your house, my house, at church, wherever, to chat about life, love, & other mysteries right now, I would as gently & as lovingly as I could scream this into your heart, because I love YOU. Do me a favor & read this slowly. Soak it up. Drink up some truth for a minute {or two} sister. {I'm screaming it all right into my own heart too..}

{YOU are beautiful no matter what.}
You my sweet friend, are a beauty. Your freckles, your eyes, your eye lashes, your mouth, your smile, your teeth; straight, crooked, with braces, with spaces, white or yellow.. are beautiful. Your eye brows; skinny, bushy, plucked, waxed, untouched... are beautiful. Your ears, your nose, your blemishes, your acne, everything on your face that your make-up hides.. is beautiful. Your height, your weight, your skin color, your toes, your fingers, your arms, your tummy, everything about YOU.. is beautiful. And are exactly how & where a very crafty Creator perfectly intended. Before time began God was sketching a picture of YOU & deciding where each freckle, birth mark, & mole would be on your body. Do not FOR ONE SECOND let ANYONE {your mom, sister, brother, dad, uncle, aunt, grandma, grandpa, friend, BEST friend, or the reflection in your mirror} tell you otherwise.

{YOU are worth more than YOU could ever imagine.}
Sister, do you know how much you're REALLY worth? Do you know that a King gave His WHOLE life for just YOU? Do you know that He saved YOU? Do you know YOU mean more than anything in the world to HIM? Did you know He chose YOU to be His? He wants YOU. Do you know YOU are desired by an all-knowing, all-loving, mysterious, wondrous God? Did you know YOU are written on HIS heart? Did you know YOU are worth more than any precious jewels, diamonds, or rubies to Him? Did you know He craves time with just YOU? Did you know He longs for YOU? Did you know HE wants what's best for YOU? Did you know He knows what YOUR heart needs? Did you know He is the author of YOUR story? This Man, is your Beloved & He is YOURS, YOU are His. If you let Him be. Even if you don't right now.. He'll be waiting patiently for YOU to come running into His arms. Even if you can't accept His love for YOU, you are STILL worth more than anyone or anything to HIM & that He'll always be there just for YOU. Sister, no man, husband, boyfriend, friend, anyone or anything.. can ever love you as much as He does.

{are YOU talking to God?}
Do you talk to our God? Like really, REALLY talk to Him? Do you talk to Him about the desires of your heart? Do you ask Him to do God-sized things in your life? Do you believe He can do God-sized things in your life? Do you get on your face before Him pleading for direction, guidance, or wisdom for your journey? Don't be scared, ashamed, embarrassed, or feeling unworthy when it comes to talking to God about the the biggest, craziest, or teeny-tiniest desires of your heart! He already knows ALL of them, and the desires of your heart ten years from now, and fifty years from now. He desires to hear all about it from YOU. Let Him know when you have a good, great, horrible, exciting, horrific, sad, or happy day. Let Him know when you're frustrated with Him, let go of your pride & let Him know you really don't have it all together & you NEED Him to hold your hand & guide YOU.

*{the future husband prayer.}
Story time, I remember sitting in my seventh grade English class (at a Christian school) with Mrs. Smith & her telling us about her & her husband. She told us that she had started praying for her husband when she was young, I guess it never really crossed my mind until she mentioned that, but I liked it & it caught my attention. Since then I've pretty much done the same. The prayer has changed a bit over the years but has stayed pretty constant: "God, I don't know who HE is, where HE is, or what HE's doing right now..." you get the gist of it right? I believe in a big God. I believe in a God who listens to His children when they call on Him. You talk, He listens, even if you're talking about someone you can only dream about right now. You can even use my prayer for Prince Charming if you want!

{hold high standards for YOURSELF}
As a twenty-one year old, college student, there are a whole lot of OTHER things I could be doing with my life right now that people my age, younger, or older are involved with. I could be a smoker, I could be an alcoholic, I could be sleeping with a different guy every weekend, I could be out all night making bad decisions & doing a lot of things I would regret later on. As a pretty sensitive person with an overly guilty conscience, I'm not anywhere near involved with any of that. I hold pretty high standards for myself & want to be a good example to YOU, to be someone YOU can look up to. I'M NOT PERFECT (by any stretch of the imagination), but I want to be there for YOU. I want to be here to encourage YOU. I want to be a voice in YOUR head to remind you that you DON'T have to do this or that to look "cool" or to "fit in", that it's OK to stand out & be different. As Christians we're supposed look different from the world, don't let the garbage of this world tempt YOU! Decide what you want people's view of you to look like. Do you want to be different? To look like a little Christ? I survived high school without going to homecoming, any house parties, prom, without drinking, doing drugs, or having sex, and I still had a very fun & pleasant high school experience that left me feeling blessed.

{If you're a female, YOU are captivating.}
The word captivate is a verb that simply means to hold the attraction of a noun (in this case, YOU as a woman, girl, lady, she, her, sister, daughter, all around female; are captivating to the male species.) You catch their attention, catch his attention the right way though. Be captivating by being who YOU are. Don't try to be someone or something you're not to catch his attention.. Sister you're captivating the way you are, being yourself. Don't be a chameleon. PLEASE, don't be. Don't change who you are to win the attention of a GUY! If that's the case.. then he is NOT worth your while. He should be interested in who YOU are, not who you pretend to be!

{survive high school/college without a boyfriend!?}
Crazy I know, but SISTER, I'm just going to say it, and you can argue with me about it if you want but dating in high school is a waste of time. *Any guy reading this can hear this too because it's the truth, I have two younger brothers, one in high school, guys in high school are not looking for a serious relationship, a wife, a soul-mate. You are not ready to get married or to be someone's wife. (dating in my book is for marriage, not a recreational sport, you & I can talk about this another time..) The chances of your high school relationship(s) lasting after graduation is slim to none. Have guy friends! Have fun with them! Hang out with them! Get to know them! Sister, graduate from high school, go to college, get a degree, travel, start a revolution, experience your late teen-twenties-days, AND if God brings a potential-God-fearing-handsome-man into your story in the midst of your college-travel-degree-getting-revolution-making-days, then let it be. I've done it, I'm doing it right now. I've survived. I am about as single as one can be, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been in a relationship, and guess what? I have friends that are my age or younger that are married, engaged, or in serious relationships, & I'm still confused, learning, & trying to understand the whole male-species as a twenty-one year old. That's all I can say about this..

{YOU deserve nothing less than better, than the best.}
When/if a guy wanders into your life, he should respect you for who YOU are & the standards YOU hold for yourself. He should be encouraging & building you up, not discouraging you or tearing you down (physically, verbally, or emotionally). He should be friends with your friends. You deserve a guy who loves the Lord & likes to talk about what God is doing in both of your lives. You deserve a guy who challenges you spiritually & encourages you in your walk with God. He should be knowledgeable of the Bible. He should have a band of brothers who challenge him. He should have another guy in his life that challenges him spiritually & keeps him accountable. You also deserve a man who prays for you & with you. That's just some of what you deserve in a man. Don't settle for anything less or anything convenient.

{THEY need US to help them.}
As girls we like to look nice, we like to feel attractive, we like positive attention right? As daughters of the King, it's our responsibility to help our BROTHERS. What we wear, how we look, the way we move, the way we act, the things we say, can all alter how a guy views us. We're responsible for helping guard their purity & helping them by not being a stumbling block in their lives. There is a way to look nice & feel attractive without putting a negative light on ourselves as women. It builds character & helps us feel good about ourselves when we know we're not causing one of our brothers to stumble. And on the contrary.. I have no tolerance for MEN of any age talking disrespectfully about any girl, whether I know her or not. So let's save all of ourselves some trouble & protect our brothers eyes & help them to not have to talk in a demeaning way to us because of our appearance or how we carry ourselves, carry yourself like the Princess you are.

{Be productive in the waiting for Prince Charming..}
As women we long to be pursued. Our heart desires that special attention from a male, we like that special attention. While we wait for him to come into our stories we can't be wishing our lives away, we can't be sitting back & wallowing in self-pity because Prince Charming hasn't come along yet! We need to be spending time with our God. We need to be hanging out with our SISTERS. We need to be growing & learning things along the way & experiencing the life God has given to us. It's OK to be the wedding-dreaming-baby-name-list-making-sappy-Matt-Wertz-love-song-listening girl.. like myself, as long as you are growing in your relationship with God. Let Him show YOU what He wants for your story. Where He wants you to be. All of our stories are different. All of us experience life in different ways, just let God continue orchestrating it while you wait ever-so patiently for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet. So when Prince Charming comes to sweep you off your feet, sweet sister of mine, your heart is so in tune with your FIRST LOVE's heart that He allows a new man in your life.. it will be a beautiful thing.


You made it. You read these words, do some soaking up, write some things down, process it however you chose fit, but I'd really like to hear from YOU sister. I don't give out my phone number very freely, but I have e-mail, facebook, & do enjoy sitting at coffee shops for chats.
{lefillmore@comcast.net --this goes to my phone or lindsayefillmore@gmail.com}