Psalm 130...

As much as I cannot wait until Christmastime, Autumn is still one of my favorites. I think that this passage from Psalms would sum up my Autumn thus far. I feel like I have been "waiting" for something. Starting in late August up until just recently I felt like God was up to "something", in my life, He for sure had something up His sleeve for me for this fall. I had no clue what, who, when, or where this "something" would occur. And being the selfish human being that I am, all along I had felt like it would be some fortunate event that would happen in my life during this season, but with the season quickly coming and going, I've found myself still waiting...

I had felt an excitement & giddy-ness about "it", which is weird for me, because I tend to hate surprises & always like to know details of what is going on, & it is (and probably always will be) hard for me to surrender all the details of my life to God, and give up control & any idea in my mind that I have, that I am entitled to knowing what the God of the universe wants for me & has in store for me. (Lindsay, why don't you just trust in Me 100% and know, full well that I have planned what is best for you? --God).

So recently that "it" has been hitting me like a train. Totally unexpectedly and not about me at all, but about God using me (for reasons I can't understand! in someone else life. And looking back over the last three months or so, seeing EVERY detail (big and small) that God has been working out is crazy! From people coming or going in my life, certain connections, different verses I've come across, and even some song lyrics.. its crazy.

Emotionally, I really don't think I was ready for "it", but spiritually, I had never been so sure of anything in my life, and knew full well, that these events were the "it" that God had laid on my heart at the beginning of this season of my life. And I know I sound like a crazy person right now, but I'm just trying to convey how God really does move in a mysterious way & even when we don't think we know what we are doing, or why He is using us for something, He is faithful & pulls us through.

I've kept a pretty faithful journal since middle school, and I don't think in all of those years I've ever written so many prayers to God and pleas for help & guidence as I have in the last few weeks. I feel like thats my way of talking to God, writing out prayers to Him, and now I just pretty much summed it all up into a [short] blog entry... whew.

P.S. I really don't know if any of this makes sense? But I keep a blog, for myself, although I keep a hand written journal, sometimes typing things out, helps me more. I really don't know if anyone reads this, but I don't really mind, like I said, I do it for my own therapy sometimes (talking to myself...) Well I hope & pray, somehow, someway, anyone who comes across this, can relate any of these words to something in their own life & be encouraged by it.

..lef

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

² O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

⁴ But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,

⁷ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

its 3:26am..

i am..

exhausted, wanting to really rest.
drained, wanting school to be over.
nervous, about what's coming.
unsure, of the outcome.
unworthy, of the task.
and
overwhelmed, by how empty i feel.

but..

awestruck, by Gods timing & interruptions.
excited, for the end product..
hopeful, because He's in control.
ready, for this "something"
willing, to fight
and
trusting, He's going to hold my hand the whole way.

[I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.]
-psalm 34:4-5

Valley's speak wonders of Your name...

I am not typically up this late.. but homework keeps me awake to wee hours of the morning. Recently I haven't minded it as much, until my eye lids finally can't take it anymore & fail to stay open, then I hear my phone beckoning me to wake up only a couple hours later and do all the craziness all over again the next day...

BUT while attempting to finish a ridiculous outline (*I HATE outlines.), quietly I'm playing this crazy huge "Worship" playlist on my iTunes. The wind outside is blowing like I haven't heard in a really long time. My heart beats a little faster each time I hear it get louder & louder, then its calm for a few minutes.

Back to this playlist.. there are a select few worship songs that are the goose bumps,
"holy cow, God thanks for sending this song my way RIGHT now", kind of worship song. Whether the lyrics, the melody & harmony of the song, or just how a certain lyrics fit right into where I'm at, at a certain time...

I think that what makes this song ten times better for right now at 2am, is that in the middle of the night I feel my God speaking to me & feel raw & in need of Him, to talk to Him about how good or bad my past day was, talk to Him about what is on my heart, cry out to Him for guidance, peace, & REST. And just in the first few lines of the song that say:

LORD, YOU SEARCH ME, YOU KNOW ME, YOU HEAR ALL MY THOUGHTS, NO POINT IN HIDING.. (I can't really think of anywhere I could go right now at 2am to escape..)LORD YOU FOUND ME, SO COMPLETELY IN NEED OF YOU! I CAN'T RUN FROM YOU!

THIS song. Is one of those songs. I first heard it a few weeks ago when it first came out. And I appreciate small things relating to music and worship music even more, because its a direct connection/prayer to my Creator. So it makes me smile that 1. it is a female voice singing, 2. the words are "whoa", 3. I feel like the words can relate to me a little bit more & more everyday in this season of my life, on the edge of a new adventure, learning patience, & constantly being reminded that I really can't run from God! 4.I could listen to it over & over & over again, 5. I could go through & dissect every lyric to this song, but I think a lot of it speaks for itself....

Lord you search me.
And you know me.
You hear all of my thoughts
No point in hiding
Lord you found me
So completely in need of You
I cannot run from You

If I go to the heavens or down below,
You are right there waiting
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
You are there, I will find You waiting

You are in the highest place
You are in the falling rain
You are in the mountain peaks
And valleys speak wonders of Your name
You are in the perfect sky
You are in every breath I breathe
You are in every moment life seems to pass me by
You are my Prince of Peace

In the glory of Your glory
I become like You are, it’s overwhelming
In the presences of your presences,
I finally see all Your love for me

If I go to the heavens or down below,
You are right there waiting
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
You are there, I will find you waiting

You are in everything
You’re in every part, it all ends and starts with You my King
You’re everything, You are in everything

-Highest Place, Desperation Band-