desert soul..

Hey God, this is where I'm at {dry, desperate, broken, running, in need of rescue}:

{I LOVE YOU LORD, BUT I WANT TO LOVE YOU MORE

I NEED YOU GOD, BUT I WANT TO NEED YOU MORE

I AM LOST WITHOUT, YOUR CREATIVE SPARK IN ME

I AM DEAD INSIDE, UNLESS YOUR RESURRECTION SAVES

DESPERATE, FOR A DESPERATE HEART

ALL THAT I AM IS DRY BONES, WITHOUT YOU LORD

A DESERT SOUL.

I AM BROKEN BUT RUNNING, TOWARDS YOU GOD,

YOU MAKE ME WHOLE}

*this song has been driving me crazy the last few days because it's basically what's in my heart & head right now, in the form of a song by the rend collective.

PSALM EIGHTY-SIX

who YOU are..

i like regular routines.
i like organized schedules.
i like to know what's going on!

BUT

i also like spontaneity.
i like organized clutter.
i like lazy-do-nothing-days.

BUT too much of that, is too much!!
i was a very happy girl walking out of my last final exam for school this past semester, planning all my days of sleeping in, doing some yoga when i wanted to, running outside anytime during the day, meeting my boyfriend for lunch, staying up late for no reason, being l-a-z-y because school was done!
{all in this weird stage between me getting out school, not being in any summer classes, & the calm before the storm of watching THREE kids four days a week for the rest of the summer...}

but i've found that too much of this... is NOT good for me. i miss having a regular routine, knowing what my schedule would potentially look like at the beginning of each week! i feel like my whole life is just really REALLY unorganized right now. {in every aspect of the word} i was almost on the verge of a nervous break down this week because i feel like all the disorganization in my life right now, not just my schedule, but my room, my car, my work schedule, the way i'm eating/taking care of myself, all the free time................is all draining me & my relationship with God.

obviously i can't blame all the scatteredness that on my lack of spending time with God, laying down everything in my life for Him, soaking up His words, talking to Him, listening for Him, seeing Him, but the laziness is definitely seeping into my relationship with God & its really frustrating & annoying.

its of course in all these times that God's like: "OK Lindsay, i've been waiting for you to just come spend time with me! you know you can't do anything without Me, I want to give you peace, rest, and make you not feel anxious or frustrated!"

so it made me stop & think & finally get this desire, want back to fight for my relationship with God, that i can't just sit back & let it unfold in front of me & expect it to be useful/beneficial/thriving (there's a word I'm looking for, but I can't put my finger on it!?) like a text from a sweet friend about Galatians 5 & just all around being reminded of who HE is from a desperation band song called who You are..

so now i'm feeling motivated, refreshed, & renewed.. ready to beat this laziness spell with productivity & spending more time with my Maker..

so much goodness & blessing in my life to not spend time giving it all back to Him..


{i feel like i write things like this & they don't make sense, but that's ok, writing is like therapy for me, whether it makes sense or not!} xox

*ps my twin comes home in: 23ish days.

au revoir twin..

I don't know if people understand the closeness I share with my twin sister.. we're kind of like a married couple. When I talk to other people I use "we" or "us" a lot. I'm not used to talking to someone & saying "I" or "me". But low & behold, the day has come! We are entering a new season of OUR lives: separation.The longest we've been apart is probably a week? And that was with texting, calling, & facebook! So.. the million dollar question I've been hearing a lot lately is how I'm going to cope without the twin for SIX months.
It really hasn't hit me & probably won't either until tomorrow when we leave the airport or probably Sunday night going to Lighthouse by myself, or sometime next week when I finally realize "oh I have my own car now, I don't have to go pick the twin up from work" or "sweet, I have no one to complain about my mom to!!" :) Either way.. I think {key word: think} I'm ready for it, but we'll see!!
It's kind of exciting too though because we're going to be living six months without each other, being our own person, no longer identifying to new people we meet as "twins" but Courtney or Lindsay. For the first time in both our lives we're going to be experiencing new things without each other as a side kick, support, or security blanket.
All I know is God has paved the way for Courtney's journey from dreaming to it actually being time to start this new adventure! She has done a lot of hard work to get to this point & I know she's been faithful to God calling her to this ministry in the land down under!
So instead of worrying about me & how I'm going to be without her here at home, pray for her safety, for her team she'll be living & working with for the next six months, for funds that still need to be raised, & for Courtney to just be another tool for increasing the Kingdom!

{read about her adventures here..}

we need Him, I need Him..

IT FEELS LIKE A CONUNDRUM WHEN YOU KNOW & CAN EVIDENTLY SEE SO MUCH BLESSING IN YOUR LIFE BUT FEEL EMPTY & DRY AT THE SAME TIME. LETTING THE DEVIL RUN IN & STEAL JOY & STRIP YOU OF HAPPINESS. BUT ITS TIMES LIKE THIS WHERE GOD IS USING THIS AS A GENTLE REMINDER {to me anyway} THAT WE'RE {I'm} TRYING TO DO LIFE WITHOUT HIM & HE WANTS US {me} TO NEED HIM. WE {I} NEED HIM.

james one