[there is no one higher
no one greater
no one like our God.

there is none more able
Christ our Savior
great and glorious.]

...I first heard these words over the summer at a youth conference & was very disapointed when I got home that I couldn't get my hands on it for my iTunes. I still haven't gotten my hands on it, but we sang it tonight at Lighthouse.. it was definitely one of the highlights of my night.

"We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you."

...psalm 33:20-22

[my restless heart definitely needed the peace from that passage tonight. thanks God.]

rain at night & God's goodness...

rain at n i g h t...
I do love the sound of rain hitting the window at night, but in December!? I know I'll regret this once the snow is still on the ground come April, but I am actually anticipating the snow right now, I can't really get into the Christmas mood without it I guess...

Gods g o o d n e s s...
I don't understand & can't comprehend why He wants the best for me & delights in me, when I put Him on the back burner so often & don't fully rely on Him!? Everything this week that I thought was horrible and made me stressed out and made me want to drop out of school all came together and worked out and got all complete. And I was totally encouraged by a random girl in one of my classes today! Thanks for being so good to me even when I REALLY don't deserve it God..

{Praise the LORD,
for the LORD is good;
sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant}
psalm 135:3

. . . . . .

*PS I was in Nashville last week... it made me want to move there even more than I wanted to before!

go watch Elizabethtown..

Some
m u s i c
n e e d s
a i r,
roll
down
your
window..


[this is one of my favorite movies --that is one of my favorite quotes from the movie + it has an even more amazing soundtrack...]

I also want to go here...

Metropolitain from Greg Mirzoyan on Vimeo.

"What a beautiful place and beautiful video. People never cease to amaze me with their creative talents."

*Amongst a million and one other places I'd love to Paris. This video makes me want to go travel, sit in a cafe in Paris, & explore..

This is from Brooke Premo's blog "Playing Grown Up"!

Paris, I'll come visit you someday..

how HE loves ME...

...WE ARE HIS PORTION & HE IS OUR PRIZE, DRAWN TO REDEMPTION BY THE GRACE IN HIS EYES. IF GRACE IS AN OCEAN, WE'RE ALL SINKING. SO HEAVEN MEETS EARTH LIKE AN UNFORESEEN KISS & MY HEART TURNS VIOLENTLY INSIDE OF MY CHEST. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO MAINTAIN ALL THESE REGRETS WHEN I THINK OF THE WAY HE LOVES US.

I'm dreaming of a...

The date is November 6th. There are only a few short weeks until Thanksgiving. Typically I consider JUST after Thanksgiving to officially be Christmastime. BUT as of right now, I want it to be Christmastime RIGHT NOW!

Its still pretty nice outside. Considering Michigan at this time could have already had a decent amount of snow, its going to be 60 on Sunday? (I'm still a little bitter towards the snow, but its nice to have on Christmas, I could not celebrate Christmas in FL!)

100.3 just started playing Christmas music! They play it pretty much right through the next two months! And I just had my first Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks...


Tonight my sisters, mom, & I are going to see a local high school play of Little Women. When we were younger the sisters, mom, & I would watch Little Women via VHS, drink hot chocolate, and make ornaments or other cute little Christmas-y things. One of my favorite memories for sure!

What is on my mind at 12:09am...

1. I just went to see Where the Wild Things Are. I was pretty excited when I heard in the spring about it becoming a movie and was even more excited when it finally came out in October, but I was just now getting around to seeing it...

• its NOT a kids movie
• its sad
• its scary at some points
• it has good music in it

2. The other day I drove past the house I grew up in & lived in for 18 years of my life. Its weird to see someone else living in "my" house. The four bedroom, ranch style, house with large windows in the front, brick front walk, huge backyard, covered with four-five story high trees that shade the sun during the day...

• its weird seeing someone else's cars in the driveway
• the yard doesn't look as well kept as my dad used to keep it
• there's 20+ years of Fillmore memories in that house
• even though its on a main street, it still felt cozy & homey

3. I saw The i-Heart-Revolution film/documentary.

• it needs to be viewed again, to take down notes
  
• its definitely mind blowing all the good + bad things that go & do go on in the world around us
• its comforting to know that there's only ONE love & hope for all man kind
• it makes me sad to hear people talk poorly about the whole idea/concept, their blindness, & being OK with the comfortable lives they lead..

4. Over the weekend roughly 190+ leaders, students, & myself encountered God at the Thirsty retreat. At least two students that I've heard of accepted Christ as their Savior! (So exciting!) We learned what it meant to be thirsty for freedom, authenticity, purpose, & identity.

• its ok to be open with people, not hide behind all of your accomplishments or good things in your life, but let people see & know your hurts & struggles
• we don't have it all together, so let's not pretend to.
• when we are stripped down & raw & exposed, then we realize that only His grace is sufficient for us.
• He is right in the middle of every single aspect of my life with me.
• He "likes" us, He wants to spend time with us.
• He desires us.
• He quiets us with his love. The "leaves me speechless" kind of love.
• He (Yahweh), rejoices over ME with singing.

Psalm 130...

As much as I cannot wait until Christmastime, Autumn is still one of my favorites. I think that this passage from Psalms would sum up my Autumn thus far. I feel like I have been "waiting" for something. Starting in late August up until just recently I felt like God was up to "something", in my life, He for sure had something up His sleeve for me for this fall. I had no clue what, who, when, or where this "something" would occur. And being the selfish human being that I am, all along I had felt like it would be some fortunate event that would happen in my life during this season, but with the season quickly coming and going, I've found myself still waiting...

I had felt an excitement & giddy-ness about "it", which is weird for me, because I tend to hate surprises & always like to know details of what is going on, & it is (and probably always will be) hard for me to surrender all the details of my life to God, and give up control & any idea in my mind that I have, that I am entitled to knowing what the God of the universe wants for me & has in store for me. (Lindsay, why don't you just trust in Me 100% and know, full well that I have planned what is best for you? --God).

So recently that "it" has been hitting me like a train. Totally unexpectedly and not about me at all, but about God using me (for reasons I can't understand! in someone else life. And looking back over the last three months or so, seeing EVERY detail (big and small) that God has been working out is crazy! From people coming or going in my life, certain connections, different verses I've come across, and even some song lyrics.. its crazy.

Emotionally, I really don't think I was ready for "it", but spiritually, I had never been so sure of anything in my life, and knew full well, that these events were the "it" that God had laid on my heart at the beginning of this season of my life. And I know I sound like a crazy person right now, but I'm just trying to convey how God really does move in a mysterious way & even when we don't think we know what we are doing, or why He is using us for something, He is faithful & pulls us through.

I've kept a pretty faithful journal since middle school, and I don't think in all of those years I've ever written so many prayers to God and pleas for help & guidence as I have in the last few weeks. I feel like thats my way of talking to God, writing out prayers to Him, and now I just pretty much summed it all up into a [short] blog entry... whew.

P.S. I really don't know if any of this makes sense? But I keep a blog, for myself, although I keep a hand written journal, sometimes typing things out, helps me more. I really don't know if anyone reads this, but I don't really mind, like I said, I do it for my own therapy sometimes (talking to myself...) Well I hope & pray, somehow, someway, anyone who comes across this, can relate any of these words to something in their own life & be encouraged by it.

..lef

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

² O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

⁴ But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,

⁷ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

its 3:26am..

i am..

exhausted, wanting to really rest.
drained, wanting school to be over.
nervous, about what's coming.
unsure, of the outcome.
unworthy, of the task.
and
overwhelmed, by how empty i feel.

but..

awestruck, by Gods timing & interruptions.
excited, for the end product..
hopeful, because He's in control.
ready, for this "something"
willing, to fight
and
trusting, He's going to hold my hand the whole way.

[I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.]
-psalm 34:4-5

Valley's speak wonders of Your name...

I am not typically up this late.. but homework keeps me awake to wee hours of the morning. Recently I haven't minded it as much, until my eye lids finally can't take it anymore & fail to stay open, then I hear my phone beckoning me to wake up only a couple hours later and do all the craziness all over again the next day...

BUT while attempting to finish a ridiculous outline (*I HATE outlines.), quietly I'm playing this crazy huge "Worship" playlist on my iTunes. The wind outside is blowing like I haven't heard in a really long time. My heart beats a little faster each time I hear it get louder & louder, then its calm for a few minutes.

Back to this playlist.. there are a select few worship songs that are the goose bumps,
"holy cow, God thanks for sending this song my way RIGHT now", kind of worship song. Whether the lyrics, the melody & harmony of the song, or just how a certain lyrics fit right into where I'm at, at a certain time...

I think that what makes this song ten times better for right now at 2am, is that in the middle of the night I feel my God speaking to me & feel raw & in need of Him, to talk to Him about how good or bad my past day was, talk to Him about what is on my heart, cry out to Him for guidance, peace, & REST. And just in the first few lines of the song that say:

LORD, YOU SEARCH ME, YOU KNOW ME, YOU HEAR ALL MY THOUGHTS, NO POINT IN HIDING.. (I can't really think of anywhere I could go right now at 2am to escape..)LORD YOU FOUND ME, SO COMPLETELY IN NEED OF YOU! I CAN'T RUN FROM YOU!

THIS song. Is one of those songs. I first heard it a few weeks ago when it first came out. And I appreciate small things relating to music and worship music even more, because its a direct connection/prayer to my Creator. So it makes me smile that 1. it is a female voice singing, 2. the words are "whoa", 3. I feel like the words can relate to me a little bit more & more everyday in this season of my life, on the edge of a new adventure, learning patience, & constantly being reminded that I really can't run from God! 4.I could listen to it over & over & over again, 5. I could go through & dissect every lyric to this song, but I think a lot of it speaks for itself....

Lord you search me.
And you know me.
You hear all of my thoughts
No point in hiding
Lord you found me
So completely in need of You
I cannot run from You

If I go to the heavens or down below,
You are right there waiting
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
You are there, I will find You waiting

You are in the highest place
You are in the falling rain
You are in the mountain peaks
And valleys speak wonders of Your name
You are in the perfect sky
You are in every breath I breathe
You are in every moment life seems to pass me by
You are my Prince of Peace

In the glory of Your glory
I become like You are, it’s overwhelming
In the presences of your presences,
I finally see all Your love for me

If I go to the heavens or down below,
You are right there waiting
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
You are there, I will find you waiting

You are in everything
You’re in every part, it all ends and starts with You my King
You’re everything, You are in everything

-Highest Place, Desperation Band-

to be completely honest...

So...dropping out of college, moving to Nashville, catching the eye of a fedora wearing, guitar playing, song writing, Indie artist, falling in love, getting married, & living happily ever after in the heart of East Nashville, never sounded so good...

[*God, be with my impatient heart. Although all these things sound like something I'd love to do or have, help me to not wish my life away & to do something while I'm here, where You want me...]

Grant me the favor..

[There are WAY too many songs by artists that I wish I could say I have written...this whole song would be one of them, but mostly this prayer at the end, just drives me crazy.]

"Oh Lord bless me, and keep me
Cause Your face, to shine on me
Lord be gracious, in the light of
Your countenance, give me peace
For I live only to see Your face
So shine one me

Let the light of Your face
Shine down, on my heart
And let me, feel it

Shine on me
Grant me the favor of Your face, Jesus.
Its all I need, its all I need
Its what I crave..."

[Light of Your Face, Jesus Culture...]

God, let ME of all people, see YOUR face!? God its what I crave! mmm, I love it. Its what I needed this week a lot + it just makes me excited, to just say that to my God & feels kind of like a reminder that, that's what I need. I need to crave the favor of my God, not just sometimes, but always...

I want to add to the beauty...

"We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts,
written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold,
that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation..."

Add to the Beauty, Sara Groves...

Sad day...

+= trouble.

My (almost a year old) MacBook died earlier this month. It sucks. I'll get a new one soon...if only money grew on trees...

Sometimes, you just have to let go of the break...

I am not a huge fan of exercising, well I take that back, when I feel motivated to, I enjoy exercising, but it is not the first thing I think about each morning. Typically I run a couple miles, and consider that my "exercise".

So the other day I was not feeling the whole running thing, so I grabbed a bike from our garage (I don't know why, maybe having two younger brothers? but we have a large fleet of bicycles in our garage. Old, new, broken, being worked on...), snatched Courtney's iPod (i HAD an iPod, but it decided to jump out of my bag back in November, and I have yet to purchase a new one...), and went out on a bike ride. To be completely honest, I was not working very hard, just peddling enough to keep going, listening to music, enjoying the sunshine, not being THAT biker that enjoys riding NEXT to the sidewalk in the street thinking they're part of traffic. ANYWAY. So riding along, I started to notice how much I loved being able to sing out loud, along with the songs that were blaring in my ears. (When I am running, 1. I do NOT like nor do I want to talk to anyone, 2. I am usually gasping for air while running, 3. These cause me the inability to sing while running.)

*That doesn't even have anything to do with my story...well kind of!?


THE HILL.
Off in my own little world, thinking, talking to God, sining, trying to switch songs while riding, I went all over the area where our house is. I really wasn't going all that fast but I came up to this part of a sidewalk off of Maple where there is a pretty steep hill going down then back up. To be completely honest I was getting a tad hesitant about going down it.

Thinking if I should turn around or go another way, but I kept going. While approaching this hill I had my hand firmly on the back break... just in case! Finally I was going pretty fast and at that point I started letting my hand off of the break a little, getting faster, and faster. In the valley-esque part of this killer hill, my feet were hanging down, the wind blowing my hair in every which way, my heart was beating a little faster, then I started to peddle faster to get up the rest of the hill. It was lovely.

After riding down/up this hill I continued down to Inkster and then up and finally back down Maple, to the "hill" again to get home. The second time was even better, because I knew what was coming and I just went full speed down letting my feet hang down and I felt like I should be a little kid riding bikes during the summer without a care in the world.

THE FREEDOM.
SO that was the "hill". (This is where the music, iPod, singing loudly, part comes in...) While riding down this hill on my way back home, in my ears I could hear the song "Freedom Is Here" by Hillsong. I love that God can use something as simple as going down a hill on a bike with a certain song in my ears to remind me of the freedom I have (WE HAVE!) in Him. For the less than thirty second rush of wind in my face I got going down this hill two times I felt FREE.

My hands weren't on the breaks. My feet weren't peddling. I'd like to say my eyes were closed, because that would have been sweet, BUT I would have gone off the side of the sidewalk, through a fence, & into a river... BUT all that aside, along with all of this greatness making me feel like I was a little kid again, I was (at this point probably screaming) the words to this song,

"In my life as we lift You higher Let Your freedom arise In our lives as we lift You up Sing it out Your freedom is here..."

Continuing down Maple, I couldn't help but keep replaying that line over & over in my head (even after the song was over.) "FREEDOM, IS HERE."



"...creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." [Romans 8:21]

the great unknown...

No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived,
what God has prepared
for those who love Him...
-1 Corinthians 2:9

tally hall...

I haven't heard of them for a while, but I just came across the band Tally Hall and they reminded me of a few things...

1. Their name is from this plaza in West Bloomfield, where my parents used to go to back in the day, (that still exist near where I grew up at 14 Mile & Orchard Lake) when it had an indoor section of the strip-mall. Now its home to a California Pizza Kitchen, Old Navy, & Bed Bath & Beyond...

2. One of their songs is from a place in the plaza which is also still there, called Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum. Its a sweet arcade-esque place with a legit photo booth & old games, where I went numerous times growing up for birthday parties or with my Uncle Brad & sisters.

3. I used to work with Joe Hawley's sister & we have the same birthday...

4. I personally do not care for much of their music, but its sweet that they're mostly from around here.

i love the King & the King loves me...

Child, I know full well each & every detail of the plans I have just for you. I have amazing plans to prosper you & not to harm you or lead you anywhere else besides what is best for you. I have plans to give you hope & a future. Taste & see that I am all that you need in this life. Along the way you will come across difficult times or situations, but don't let that bring you down, I overcame the world so you could keep going, keep reaching for your prize, just keep your eyes on Me. Be still & know that I am Your Father & want you, my child, to follow the path, I have marked out just for you. Child, I am Your King & I am coming back for you. I can't wait until I can share my Kingdom with you, until then, keep trusting, believing, & following Me.
Love forever & always, the King of Kings, Father, Creator, Yahweh.

[Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 34:8, John 16:33, Psalm 46:10, 1 John 3:1, Hebrews 12:1, John 14:1-3. the collection of passages that have been on my mind this past weekend, that helped me write this little reminder to myself...]

stuck in my head...

"Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach
Just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see
But you picked me..."
-A Fine Frenzy

worship + outside + night...

there is something about secretly gathering, being outside, in the darkness & quietness of night, to worship God, that is a beautiful thing.

there is something about a single guitar & voices lifting up praises to the Creator, that is a beautiful thing.

there is something about sisters & brothers in Christ coming close to ask God for pece, joy, & comfort that only God can supply, for a hurting brother in Christ, that is a beautiful thing.

there is something about silently talking to God, by candle light, that is a beautiful thing.

there is something about God being felt near in the middle of the night, that is a beautiful thing.

there is something about being His and knowing that He is mine, that is a beautiful thing.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
Psalm 42:8

thirty things I want to do before I'm thirty...

*This is a random collection of things I would "like" to do before (or after I guess) I am thirty..... (some of these things are semi-unrealistic, but never say never.)

things to do, people to see, places to go....

1. Fly in a plane (in August, I can cross this off). 8/27/09, Detroit to Miami
   
2. Go to South Africa, India, & Thailand to share God with people there.
3. Drive to California.
4. Graduate from college.
5. Marry prince charming.
6. Live in New York City for a few months, just to say I've lived there.
7. Climb a Mountain.
8. Learn how to long board.
9. Drink coffee & read a book in Seattle.
10. Write a generous check anonymously for someone that could use it or leave a large sum of money somewhere for someone to find.
    
11. Run a marathon.
12. Spend a week on a secret tropical island.
    
13. Do the 3-Day walk for Breast Cancer for my Grandma Patricia Joyce.
14. Get a Pancreas transplant!
15. Write a book.
    
16. Own a small boutique in a quaint downtown area.
17. Go to Disney World & act like a little girl.
18. Kiss someone under the Eiffel Tower.
    
19. Live in a house with a deep, large, wrap around porch in the front & a Cracker Barrel rocking chair.
20. Dance at the Wild Horse Saloon in Nashville. (7/26/2011)
21. Sit on a rooftop & look at the stars.
22. Adopt a baby girl from China.
23. Speak at a womens conference.
    
24. Write a song & hear it on the radio.
25. Meet Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, or Britney Spears & tell her God loves her, and that she doesn't need to act the way she does to feel loved or accepted.
26. Have a daughter named Gloria Jean.
27. Climb across the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
28. Get dressed up & see a Ballet or Orchestra in the city. 12/5/09, Nutcracker, Detroit Opera House
    
29. Use the map Claire Colburn from the movie "Elizabethtown" made for Drew Baylor to travel from Elizabethtown, KY back to Oregon.
30. Go to Jerusalem & walk where Jesus walked.

among others...

here is just one reason i hope God sends me to the Nashville area after college to teach kindergarten, marry a musician, & live happily every after...

{even though my mom informed me tonight that my grandpa -who lives in Nashville- said finding work is becoming more of a chore these days as well... but definitely not as bad as it is here in Detroit.}

short & sweet..

my appointment went a ten times better than i thought it would.

[sigh of relief...]

i am done with school. tomorrow.

[load off of my shoulders...]

i really do wish i knew how to play the cello.

[maybe i should get guitar down first...]

the weather is finally making me excited, not sad & depressed.

[smile on my face...]

my God is unfailing & His love is unending. i am glad i am His.

[even though i don't deserve Him...]

hold it in, hold it in, hold it in...

i have that feeling in the back of my throat. nervousness. fear. a good cry could come any minute. as much as i would love to lock myself in my room & let out a good cry for a while, i'm holding it in (saving it for later i guess..?). i'm so nervous right now i don't think i've ever felt this nervous about anything before.

i have to go see my pediatric endocrinologist tomorrow, the same doctor i first saw when i was diagnosed with diabetes, the same doctor my mom switched me from because of how harsh he is, and because he has done a good job several times at making me break down in tears in his office a time or two over the years.

even though i should be happy because its the last time i'll ever have to go see him, i am dreading going to see him tomorrow because over the last year or so i have not proven to be "diabetic of the year" and i know it, i'm pretty sure he will let me know that tomorrow.

i think that i am nevous for several reasons. one, because i know i haven't done my best to take care of myself for the last year or so, two because i know i am a sensitive person and know that it doesn't take much for me to get my feelings hurt from something especially when i know everything my docotor will tell me tomorrow is true, three because i know how my health right now is and will affect/ing me in the future if i don't take care of it now...

obviously this is just me building up ideas of what could go down tomorrow at my appointment, instead of thinking the best of the situcation, but this is really nerve racking for me, and even though i know it will probably be the appointment i need to help me the most.

psalm fifty-six:three.

w o r s h i p GOD...

Wor·ship·ing: verb show reverence and adoration for (a deity); honor with religious rites...
Ad⋅o⋅ra⋅tion: noun the act of paying honor, as to a divine being; worship.

I realize that as a Christian I can worship my Creator through everything in my life. I think that I connect with my Creator a lot though, through musical worship. That is why Hillsong DVD's make me smile, Lighthouse makes me excited, & my worship playlist(s) on iTunes make my ears feel good...

So I am watching the This Is Our God DVD from Hillsong with my twin. I have watched it several times but, typically I play it while I am doing something else and not actually watch it, or just listen to it. I just watched it. Start to finish (even the twenty some minute long ending of "With Everything"). I watched the people in the DVD, worship God. I watched the people on stage, worship God. I watched the people in the DVD, cry out & raise their hands in surrender to God

As much as I love being a in the audience in corporate (musical) worship, I do love to watch people worship God (in a non-creepy way of course). This is what I love about it...

1. People raising their hands in surrender to our God.
2. People freely worshiping God.
3. People crying out to God.
4. People closing their eyes to keep from distraction or in prayer to our God.
5. People talking to God.
6. People on their knees before our King...

....

¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

² Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs

--Psalm 100:1 & 2

"We bow our hearts, we lift our hands
we turn our eyes to You again
And we surrender to the truth
that all we need is found in You
Receive our adoration Jesus Lamb of God
Receive our adoration, how wonderful You are..."

--Adoration, Brenton Brown.

*celebrate His death & rising...

Chris has died & Christ is risen,
Christ will come again..
.Celebrate his d e a t h and r i s i n g
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming
Celebrate his d e a t h and r i s i n g
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes . .

--Charlie Hall, Mystery.

*psalm 37:3-7ish...

Trust in the LORD and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him...

*never let me go...

i have a tendency to try to go to bed "early" every once in a while... key word try.

so while i am sitting here still wide-eyed i have this crazy long worship playlist playing on random. the song never let me go by hillsong just came on... God definitely picked this one out just for me for right now.

In the shadows; My spirit weak
Love broke through the darkness and lifted me
And I know you'll never let me go

In the storm in the raging sea
Love conquered the fear and delivered me
And I know you'll never let me go

Oh love in the shadows
Be the light who leads me on
Your love I will follow
Be my guide, Your will be done
Oh Lord

In the arms of the One unseen
Love carried the cross that was meant for me

And I know you'll never let me go

Oh Lord I surrender, now forever I'll be loved
In the love of the Father, You are faithful You are strong
So hold me now

Nothing in this life has walked these streets
Love opened my eyes show me what You see
And I know I'll never let You go...

lately i have been feeling like my spirit has been weak & dry. i totally needed to hear that Love breaks through all of this darkness, weak spiritedness, & dryness all the time to remind me that He is always waiting for me to come back to Him and let Him fill me up...

my God is a jealous God and typically when i feel like my heart it dry, my spirit is weak, or i'm not where i want to be in walk with Him, then i haven't had all of my attention on Him.

my attention drifts away. my God falls down a spot on my list of priorities, i make myself too "busy" with things that don't matter. while He belongs at the number one spot on my list of priorities....whatever those priorities are.

the farther i let Him fall down my list, the weaker i get, the dryer my heart becomes, the more i forget how much i need Him. but when He becomes the top priority, the number one thing, then all other priorities no longer seem important. LOVE OPEN MY EYES, SHOW ME WHAT YOU SEE. I KNOW I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO. [and when i do let You go, break through and lift me back up to You...]

although i am so undeserving...Love, the One unseen, my God, my Father, loves me, He holds me, He never lets go of me. in good times or in bad, when He is number one of my list or priorities, or when i have put Him as number two or number seventy-two, in the morning, in the afternoon, or in the middle of the night...

*now i feel like i can go to sleep.............

[photo credit: parker young.]

*music should make my ears feel good..

*the radio in my car isn't very reliable, i currently don't have an iPod, & the CD player only plays the everglow by mae or never take friendship personal by anberlin [those are good, but they get old pretty fast] so i tend to find myself listening to a fuzzy channel & turn it up loud enough to make out what the song actually is.

so that is all really besides the point, but i heard a song on a certain "only new rock alternative" channel [which is not necessarily the most classy channel on the radio, but they do play some good songs on there every so often...] a while ago. i listened to the whole thing because i had never heard it before and it caught my attention anyway i was very disturbed by the lyrics in it and then i had forgotten about it and i heard it again the other day driving. to be completely honest lyrics to a song don't really bother me that much, within reason, but these lyrics were horrifying. who would write lyrics like that..!? honestly.

so i don't even want to put the lyrics or actual song on here because i don't want to ruin anyone else's idea of a song. but the song is just completely degrading and inappropriate from a guys perceptive about a girl. and i think that the part that pushed me over the edge the most was the ending when they sing "i hope i never have a daughter...". [by this part of the song i almost started crying] pretty much because all of this inappropriate-ness that the "daughter" being talked about in the song is nothing that her dad thinks she really is, and this guy thinks that if he had a daughter one day that she would do the same things.

it kills me that clearly some low-life would write this song and make money from it. i know that there a million and one other songs out there that are probably even more degrading and inappropriate about girls, but that is so NOT something i want to be listening to. i want to listen to a guy sing nice and loving things towards girls and say he'd love to have a daughter someday...like john mayer.

so earlier i was cleaning out my iTunes library and finding new music for myself to enjoy and on noise trade you can get a katie herzig sampler...its pretty good.

- - - - - - -

also i hadn't listened to them in a while, but paper route has a new album coming out in about a month so finally i can get the song carousel...i'm excited.

[jeremy cowart is pretty good.]

*spring has sprung...

*obviously everyday i should be in awe of this canvas that i step foot on everyday created by the ultimate Artist, but i am more in awe of it when it starts to get warm outside.

the trees start to show us their leaves or flowers

flowers start to pop up all around

rain falls to help them grow

the sun sprinkles warm air on us

animals (and people in this case) start to come out of their caves of hibernation. being cooped up for a season of hiding from the cold and venture into this new season we call spring.

*morning....

this is my idea of an almost perfect morning...

i don't have class today, so i did get to sleep in a little longer than usual.

courtney & i are 'house/dog sitting' at a family friends house this week, and she had class this morning. so i have had a house all to myself (plus the dog!).

i just spent a while reading Gods word, talking to Him, praising Him for all He has been doing in my life, and thanking Him for the amazing girls in my small group at WSM.

it is cold outside, but the sun is shinning!

i just finished eating some breakfast & drinking some coffee. while checking facebook and some worship music playing.

i do not have any responsibilities until 1:30 this afternoon, when i have guitar lessons, and then i am going to meet some girlfriends to hang out.

*I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful...

[phil wickham]

*THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE, LET US REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT.

[psalm 118:24]

*[insert creative title here]...

*this is really something i don't talk about frequently, but i thought i would write about it to get it out. deep breath. ready. go.

eleven years ago [on march 10th, 1998, to be exact] an eight year old girl, left school early to go with her mom and her dad to what she thought would be a regular check up at the doctors office. her mom had noticed that her eight year old had lost a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time and that she was thirsty very often, and would always be sleepy....

after that check up she spent the next week on royal oak william beaumont hospital's children's floor with her mom learning anything and everything they could about this disease called type 1 diabetes. [Results from the body's failure to produce insulin, the hormone that "unlocks" the cells of the body, allowing glucose to enter and fuel them. It is estimated that 5-10% of Americans who are diagnosed with diabetes have type 1 diabetes. *American Diabetes Association]...........oh that girl was me. lindsay fillmore, living the diabetic life since '98. i rocked the sugarlessqt89 & dietcokequeen89 screen name on AIM for a while.

anyway...from then on out poking my finger several times a day with a lancet to check my blood sugar, counting how many carbohydrates i ate, taking a shot several times a day of insulin in my leg, always carrying a bag/purse with me so i wouldn't have to just hold my monitor and syringes freely, and recognizing high and low blood sugar all became fairly normal to me. this whole "diabetes" thing for a long time was just "yeah i can't have a lot of sugar, and if i do i just take a shot to cover it".

because i was so young when i was diagnosed with it, i don't really remember life without it. i have vivid memories of being very self conscious about having diabetes. especially from later on in elementary school into middle school and even into high school a some points. i never knew what people would think, how they would react or respond, and i knew more often times than not people around really couldn't relate to me in this area. [*side note, except for the first day of 8th grade, coming from my small private school into a huge public middle school, i met a girl with diabetes!]

for a long time my mom or dad would pretty much manage my diabetes for me. they would tell me when to check my blood sugar, draw up my insulin, count how many carbs i was eating, my dad even gave me my shot for a few years. when i started to venture out and do things on my own was really when i let this self consciousness get to me and i wouldn't take care of myself. i have had my share of low blood sugars down to the 30s and high blood sugars up into the 600s. [average/where blood sugar should be for a diabetic & where it would be for someone without diabetes is 75-170]. low sugars have landed me in the emergency room or in the back of an ambulance. and high sugars have also landed me in the emergency room as well and just sick to my stomach, throwing up, and dehydrated.

a lot of people don't even know i have diabetes. obviously my family and close friends do, but it is definitely not the first thing i say to someone when i meet them. "hey, i'm lindsay, my body doesn't produce enough insulin to cover how much sugar i intake, so i take a shot anytime i eat."

i don't ever really talk about it with anyone...and if i do, i sugar coat [no pun intended] how well i take care of myself. from the outside it looks like i am a regular nineteen year old girl who loves God, music, and for whatever reason is in love with nashville, and has a love/hate relationship with running...and that is what i should be, that is part of who i am. but on the inside i have become lazy, mostly over the past year. my diabetes has never been a prime example to other diabetics, but i have never let it get this bad. i have found ways around taking care of myself. i have done just enough not to land myself in the hospital for kidney or vision problems, or a long list of other side affects diabetes can take on me if i don't take care of it.

after what seems like a million and one trips to see my en-chronologist, nurse practitioner, or dietitian, i am now at the point where if i went to see them now, i wouldn't know what to do. i am not healthy. i don't take care of my diabetes the way i should and it scares me. when i was younger my dad would tell/somewhat make me go running with him just to bring my sugar down so i wouldn't end up with kidney problems ten years down the road. well that ten years is slowly catching up to me. the longer i am lazy with taking care of myself and monitoring my diabetes the more likely i am closer to not being able to have my own kids, going blind at a young age, having major kidney problems, and trouble with my feet and hands.

on sunday at woodside a guy named nick spoke during the service. he doesn't have arms or legs. he is traveling the world telling people who look at him funny and confused that he feels blessed to be in the state he is in. i can say that, i might be blessed to have arms and legs but i also do feel blessed to have type 1 diabetes. i could have been diagnosed with cancer eleven years ago. i could have been diagnosed with a million other things when i was eight that are not treatable. diabetes might not have a cure [yet], but when taken care of, you can live with it, you can live your life just the way anyone else would. its a pain in the butt to watch what i eat [because i do love food], it is a pain to have to check my blood sugar and wonder if the number in five seconds will be low, high, or just right, it is a pain to take a shot in my stomach several times a day, and although i might be "used to" taking a shot, i can still feel it, it still hurts sometimes, it leaves marks sometimes. it is a pain to have high blood sugar, especially because it puts me in a really bad mood and i tend to take it out on my family. and it is a pain to have to travel with lantus, humolog, a monitor, glucose tablets, lancets, syringes and the list goes on,,,,but i am blessed to have it. i am blessed to have a dad that loves me so much that he would want me to go running with him just so my blood sugar stays low. i am blessed to have a twin that is concerned for my health. i am blessed to have everything at my fingertips to manage and control this disease. but i have taken advantage of my blessing. i have been to lax with the fact that i can take a shot for eating a whole bunch of crap that i know is poison to my body, i have become lax with the fact that i can increase the amount of insulin to cover it.

a couple of weeks ago a guy from the youth group at my church was diagnosed with diabetes and he came on our winter camp retreat. my mom advised i go introduce myself and just let him know i was there if he needed anything or had any questions. and i was embarrassed and ashamed that he would have to come to me if he had a question because i have had it for so many years and i should be learning from him and asking him questions. one of the nights he shared with a smaller group of us about it and as much as i wanted to run up there and give him a hug because i can actually relate to him on that level i was glued to seat crying, sobbing, praying, thinking, and wondering why in the world i don't take better care for myself and why i couldn't be a better example to him in the beginning of his new life with this thing called diabetes. God gave me diabetes for a reason. my mom has and probably always will remind me that God doesn't give us something we can't handle. He knows that i can handle this, that is why He chose lindsay to have diabetes. He knows that i have been neglecting this illness that isn't going away anytime soon.

since the new year has started i have been trying [keyword: trying] to grab the reigns of my health and stop being so lazy and unwilling to move forward and get healthy, rather than mope around in the fact that i consider myself "the worst example of a diabetic ever". since that night at our retreat, i have just been constantly reminded of the fact that i can't do it on my own and i can't think for a second that i, lindsay erin fillmore can control my diabetes, but that only God my Father who wants me to be healthy, wants me to live and move and breath for Him, and use me to help someone else along the road, can help me control my disease. only He can rid me of my laziness and give me the strength and power to live as long as He has me here with type 1 diabetes.

don't feel bad for me, just pray with me.