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The LORD has done great things for {me}, and {I am} filled with joy. {psalm one-twenty-six:three}
For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not provide false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. {habakkuk two:three}
Showing posts with label the ugly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the ugly. Show all posts
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
we need Him, I need Him..
IT FEELS LIKE A CONUNDRUM WHEN YOU KNOW & CAN EVIDENTLY SEE SO MUCH BLESSING IN YOUR LIFE BUT FEEL EMPTY & DRY AT THE SAME TIME. LETTING THE DEVIL RUN IN & STEAL JOY & STRIP YOU OF HAPPINESS. BUT ITS TIMES LIKE THIS WHERE GOD IS USING THIS AS A GENTLE REMINDER {to me anyway} THAT WE'RE {I'm} TRYING TO DO LIFE WITHOUT HIM & HE WANTS US {me} TO NEED HIM. WE {I} NEED HIM.
james one
james one
Monday, November 15, 2010
a heart diet..
I've been on a diet for the past two weeks. Not your typical diet to lose weight, I could stand to lose a few pounds here or there I'm sure, but I've maintained the same weight since I was a freshman in high school, so I think I'll be fine, for now, because it's not really what's important to me right now. I've been on & am still on more of a distraction-social-networking-cleansing-re-focusing-esque diet of my heart, head, & life in general.
All stemming from the month of October. It was really just yucky to put it lightly. It was just a really dark, low, not-very-Lindsay-ish, month. It was just an all around tear-filled, worthless-depressing-feeling, disappointing, few weeks of October. Honestly a few weeks of feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my whole life.
I'm pretty blessed to have grown up knowing what I'm truly worth. To my parents, to my family, to my God. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up in a good, no, great home. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up with not much tragedy, heartache, or real suffering. I can only smile looking at the life God's given me. It hasn't always been a walk in the park, but in perspective, as my wise mother always says: "If you're having {even the slightest form of} a bad day, remember someone else is having a worse one". I can have some REALLY terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days here or there, but they last like Alexander's, just a day {or so} & then everything is back to "normal".
...just some "bad days" that stick out in my mind in the life of Lindsay Fillmore:
There were days that I'd just literally feel nothing. Like an empty-shell-of a person. I would want to be in my bed all day, not do anything, not talk to anyone, not eat, not go to class, not go to work, not go to church or lighthouse, drive home alone literally crying to God asking Him to pull me out of whatever *this* foreign pit was. I wanted to just sit in my bed, sleep, or cry for no reason, and sometimes I couldn't even cry. {I'm a girl, I'm an emotional girl, I cry. But it was not normal to be upset or want to curl up in a ball at any given time.}
In the midst of all that being the majority of my month, God was still doing something in my heart. I could still feel Him trying to say: "Lindsay, I'm meeting you here. I'm breaking your heart because YOU NEED ME. You can't do this by yourself. You're worth more than anything to Me. I have better things for you in the future, just wait a little longer, be patient. Here is my hand, just take it & get out of this low-pit! I'm the hope you're looking for, that you need."
But I was still being stubborn & letting the enemy fill my heart & mind with: "Lindsay, you're worthless. It's ok to be jealous, you deserved it instead. You're stuck & I'm not going to let you go. You're hurting heart, is just what I wanted. Just stay here in this low-pit with me."
A few days before November started I was still having a lot of these feelings but also having this hope moving inside of me, so I decided I needed to cut things out of my life, step back, strip my heart down, & clear the way to let God do some real healing.
I decided to go on a detox, diet, strip-down. Starting with anything social-network-related {I have cheated a time-or-two, but for the most part have really not been so consumed by it, and I like it}. Spending more time looking for, listening to, seeking, & waiting on God. Eating healthier {still not a real diet, just to be healthier of course}. Not wearing as much make-up as I typically do. Spending more time investing in people; friends, family, my small group girls. And a whole laundry list of other little things to just help myself throughout the month of November.
It's November 15th. I can't even believe this month is already half over. I can't even believe how much more of God I've been seeing. I can't even believe the joy + thanksgiving {appropriate word for November right?} I've been experiencing in the last few weeks.
It's good. It's really good, even though the enemy is still alive & well trying to whisper in my ear that I don't deserve to be out of the "pit", that I should still be down there with him. God is SO faithful I can't even handle it! He meets us where we are, He is renewing our hearts every hour at our highest or at our lowest. He breaks us down when we {I} start to think we {I} can do this life on our {my} own to remind us {me} we {I} NEED HIM EVERY HOUR.
One reason I think God put "my sisters" blog on my heart coming out of October was so I could re-read it over & over again to let it seep into me, just as much as I intended it to seep into every female I know or don't know.
...now go listen to "I Need Thee Every Hour" by Jars of Clay.
All stemming from the month of October. It was really just yucky to put it lightly. It was just a really dark, low, not-very-Lindsay-ish, month. It was just an all around tear-filled, worthless-depressing-feeling, disappointing, few weeks of October. Honestly a few weeks of feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my whole life.
I'm pretty blessed to have grown up knowing what I'm truly worth. To my parents, to my family, to my God. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up in a good, no, great home. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up with not much tragedy, heartache, or real suffering. I can only smile looking at the life God's given me. It hasn't always been a walk in the park, but in perspective, as my wise mother always says: "If you're having {even the slightest form of} a bad day, remember someone else is having a worse one". I can have some REALLY terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days here or there, but they last like Alexander's, just a day {or so} & then everything is back to "normal".
...just some "bad days" that stick out in my mind in the life of Lindsay Fillmore:
- running out of gas.
- being late.
- days that of hating every-minute of watching toddlers.
- not being able to pay for big things: my rent {when I lived out of my parents house, they ever-so graciously let me sleep under their roof again for free}, my car insurance, my insulin.
- having high blood sugar, or just struggling with my diabetes in general.
- watching my sisters do awesome stuff & feeling useless because I just go to school & watch babies all day.
- not getting a job(s) that looked very promising.
- two deaths in our family within a week of each other a few years ago.
There were days that I'd just literally feel nothing. Like an empty-shell-of a person. I would want to be in my bed all day, not do anything, not talk to anyone, not eat, not go to class, not go to work, not go to church or lighthouse, drive home alone literally crying to God asking Him to pull me out of whatever *this* foreign pit was. I wanted to just sit in my bed, sleep, or cry for no reason, and sometimes I couldn't even cry. {I'm a girl, I'm an emotional girl, I cry. But it was not normal to be upset or want to curl up in a ball at any given time.}
In the midst of all that being the majority of my month, God was still doing something in my heart. I could still feel Him trying to say: "Lindsay, I'm meeting you here. I'm breaking your heart because YOU NEED ME. You can't do this by yourself. You're worth more than anything to Me. I have better things for you in the future, just wait a little longer, be patient. Here is my hand, just take it & get out of this low-pit! I'm the hope you're looking for, that you need."
But I was still being stubborn & letting the enemy fill my heart & mind with: "Lindsay, you're worthless. It's ok to be jealous, you deserved it instead. You're stuck & I'm not going to let you go. You're hurting heart, is just what I wanted. Just stay here in this low-pit with me."
A few days before November started I was still having a lot of these feelings but also having this hope moving inside of me, so I decided I needed to cut things out of my life, step back, strip my heart down, & clear the way to let God do some real healing.
I decided to go on a detox, diet, strip-down. Starting with anything social-network-related {I have cheated a time-or-two, but for the most part have really not been so consumed by it, and I like it}. Spending more time looking for, listening to, seeking, & waiting on God. Eating healthier {still not a real diet, just to be healthier of course}. Not wearing as much make-up as I typically do. Spending more time investing in people; friends, family, my small group girls. And a whole laundry list of other little things to just help myself throughout the month of November.
It's November 15th. I can't even believe this month is already half over. I can't even believe how much more of God I've been seeing. I can't even believe the joy + thanksgiving {appropriate word for November right?} I've been experiencing in the last few weeks.
It's good. It's really good, even though the enemy is still alive & well trying to whisper in my ear that I don't deserve to be out of the "pit", that I should still be down there with him. God is SO faithful I can't even handle it! He meets us where we are, He is renewing our hearts every hour at our highest or at our lowest. He breaks us down when we {I} start to think we {I} can do this life on our {my} own to remind us {me} we {I} NEED HIM EVERY HOUR.
One reason I think God put "my sisters" blog on my heart coming out of October was so I could re-read it over & over again to let it seep into me, just as much as I intended it to seep into every female I know or don't know.
...now go listen to "I Need Thee Every Hour" by Jars of Clay.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The good, the bad, & the ugly...
The good...
Coming into the month of April, I was prepared for one of the craziest months of my life, just with school, work, & a million other things I had to get done before the month was over, when I could go to California & be done with school!
So once April hit, it felt like it was going too good to be true. School was going good, I was getting everything done, Good Friday & Easter were awesome times of worship, I was spending a lot of time with friends, I was seeing God in new ways, enjoying live music & the city of Detroit, the weather was just ridiculous... all around the first two weeks of April were lovely & I had no complaints!
The bad...
Yesterday (Monday) I definitely woke up on the WRONG side of the bed, because every little thing was making me annoyed & in a bad mood. Starting with my yoga class, which is usually the highlight of my Mondays, I usually leave yoga feeling very relaxed & awake & ready for the day, I left annoyed & not relaxed.
Then I had to drive twenty minutes away just to meet with this group from a class for a group project (*I HATE group projects, I work 10x better alone, not having to rely on other people) And I was already annoyed with the people in my group which didn't help.
It was just a really bad & annoying Monday morning/afternoon. BUT it was a good afternoon when I got to be outside, downtown, enjoying the sunshine & fresh air, then I spent some time with my family for dinner.
The ugly...
*disclaimer, don't keep reading if you don't like hearing about gross things, I'm just sharing the ugly part of my bad day*
I woke up this morning, feeling OK, started getting ready for the day, was ready to get this presentation with my group out of the way. But once I got out of the shower I started to feel sick & gross, but I just ignored it, until I threw up not once, twice, but probably five times within a thirty minute period.
"Sweet, I have a presentation to do in an hour & I just threw up & feel like I'm going to pass out, its going to be a good day."
So once I was done with that whole mess, I felt alright, still debating with myself whether or not I was going to go to class. I didn't go. Every time I stood up to go finish getting ready, I'd feel like I was going to be sick again. I missed my presentation, but to be completely honest, I didn't feel that bad about it because I was in a bad mood already & I wasn't about to go stand in front of my class & present while feeling sick.
{FYI this throwing up & feeling sick, was from this little thing called "not taking care of your diabetes, even though you've had it for twelve years & you should know better."}
SO... pretty much even though the past two days have been obnoxious & annoying & making me wish I could go on a month long vacation to a secluded island, where I could just sit on a beach all day & do nothing but listen to music, read, & relax. *Only in my dreams.*
AND...I just had to vent, rant, & complain for a little while, but I know that...whenever I face trials of many kinds, because I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. {james one:two-four}
{I feel ya Alexander...}
Coming into the month of April, I was prepared for one of the craziest months of my life, just with school, work, & a million other things I had to get done before the month was over, when I could go to California & be done with school!
So once April hit, it felt like it was going too good to be true. School was going good, I was getting everything done, Good Friday & Easter were awesome times of worship, I was spending a lot of time with friends, I was seeing God in new ways, enjoying live music & the city of Detroit, the weather was just ridiculous... all around the first two weeks of April were lovely & I had no complaints!
The bad...
Yesterday (Monday) I definitely woke up on the WRONG side of the bed, because every little thing was making me annoyed & in a bad mood. Starting with my yoga class, which is usually the highlight of my Mondays, I usually leave yoga feeling very relaxed & awake & ready for the day, I left annoyed & not relaxed.
Then I had to drive twenty minutes away just to meet with this group from a class for a group project (*I HATE group projects, I work 10x better alone, not having to rely on other people) And I was already annoyed with the people in my group which didn't help.
It was just a really bad & annoying Monday morning/afternoon. BUT it was a good afternoon when I got to be outside, downtown, enjoying the sunshine & fresh air, then I spent some time with my family for dinner.
The ugly...
*disclaimer, don't keep reading if you don't like hearing about gross things, I'm just sharing the ugly part of my bad day*
I woke up this morning, feeling OK, started getting ready for the day, was ready to get this presentation with my group out of the way. But once I got out of the shower I started to feel sick & gross, but I just ignored it, until I threw up not once, twice, but probably five times within a thirty minute period.
"Sweet, I have a presentation to do in an hour & I just threw up & feel like I'm going to pass out, its going to be a good day."
So once I was done with that whole mess, I felt alright, still debating with myself whether or not I was going to go to class. I didn't go. Every time I stood up to go finish getting ready, I'd feel like I was going to be sick again. I missed my presentation, but to be completely honest, I didn't feel that bad about it because I was in a bad mood already & I wasn't about to go stand in front of my class & present while feeling sick.
{FYI this throwing up & feeling sick, was from this little thing called "not taking care of your diabetes, even though you've had it for twelve years & you should know better."}
SO... pretty much even though the past two days have been obnoxious & annoying & making me wish I could go on a month long vacation to a secluded island, where I could just sit on a beach all day & do nothing but listen to music, read, & relax. *Only in my dreams.*
AND...I just had to vent, rant, & complain for a little while, but I know that...whenever I face trials of many kinds, because I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. {james one:two-four}
{I feel ya Alexander...}Sunday, April 26, 2009
hold it in, hold it in, hold it in...
i have that feeling in the back of my throat. nervousness. fear. a good cry could come any minute. as much as i would love to lock myself in my room & let out a good cry for a while, i'm holding it in (saving it for later i guess..?). i'm so nervous right now i don't think i've ever felt this nervous about anything before.
i have to go see my pediatric endocrinologist tomorrow, the same doctor i first saw when i was diagnosed with diabetes, the same doctor my mom switched me from because of how harsh he is, and because he has done a good job several times at making me break down in tears in his office a time or two over the years.
even though i should be happy because its the last time i'll ever have to go see him, i am dreading going to see him tomorrow because over the last year or so i have not proven to be "diabetic of the year" and i know it, i'm pretty sure he will let me know that tomorrow.
i think that i am nevous for several reasons. one, because i know i haven't done my best to take care of myself for the last year or so, two because i know i am a sensitive person and know that it doesn't take much for me to get my feelings hurt from something especially when i know everything my docotor will tell me tomorrow is true, three because i know how my health right now is and will affect/ing me in the future if i don't take care of it now...
obviously this is just me building up ideas of what could go down tomorrow at my appointment, instead of thinking the best of the situcation, but this is really nerve racking for me, and even though i know it will probably be the appointment i need to help me the most.
psalm fifty-six:three.
i have to go see my pediatric endocrinologist tomorrow, the same doctor i first saw when i was diagnosed with diabetes, the same doctor my mom switched me from because of how harsh he is, and because he has done a good job several times at making me break down in tears in his office a time or two over the years.
even though i should be happy because its the last time i'll ever have to go see him, i am dreading going to see him tomorrow because over the last year or so i have not proven to be "diabetic of the year" and i know it, i'm pretty sure he will let me know that tomorrow.
i think that i am nevous for several reasons. one, because i know i haven't done my best to take care of myself for the last year or so, two because i know i am a sensitive person and know that it doesn't take much for me to get my feelings hurt from something especially when i know everything my docotor will tell me tomorrow is true, three because i know how my health right now is and will affect/ing me in the future if i don't take care of it now...
obviously this is just me building up ideas of what could go down tomorrow at my appointment, instead of thinking the best of the situcation, but this is really nerve racking for me, and even though i know it will probably be the appointment i need to help me the most.
psalm fifty-six:three.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
*[insert creative title here]...
*this is really something i don't talk about frequently, but i thought i would write about it to get it out. deep breath. ready. go.
eleven years ago [on march 10th, 1998, to be exact] an eight year old girl, left school early to go with her mom and her dad to what she thought would be a regular check up at the doctors office. her mom had noticed that her eight year old had lost a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time and that she was thirsty very often, and would always be sleepy....
after that check up she spent the next week on royal oak william beaumont hospital's children's floor with her mom learning anything and everything they could about this disease called type 1 diabetes. [Results from the body's failure to produce insulin, the hormone that "unlocks" the cells of the body, allowing glucose to enter and fuel them. It is estimated that 5-10% of Americans who are diagnosed with diabetes have type 1 diabetes. *American Diabetes Association]...........oh that girl was me. lindsay fillmore, living the diabetic life since '98. i rocked the sugarlessqt89 & dietcokequeen89 screen name on AIM for a while.
anyway...from then on out poking my finger several times a day with a lancet to check my blood sugar, counting how many carbohydrates i ate, taking a shot several times a day of insulin in my leg, always carrying a bag/purse with me so i wouldn't have to just hold my monitor and syringes freely, and recognizing high and low blood sugar all became fairly normal to me. this whole "diabetes" thing for a long time was just "yeah i can't have a lot of sugar, and if i do i just take a shot to cover it".
because i was so young when i was diagnosed with it, i don't really remember life without it. i have vivid memories of being very self conscious about having diabetes. especially from later on in elementary school into middle school and even into high school a some points. i never knew what people would think, how they would react or respond, and i knew more often times than not people around really couldn't relate to me in this area. [*side note, except for the first day of 8th grade, coming from my small private school into a huge public middle school, i met a girl with diabetes!]
for a long time my mom or dad would pretty much manage my diabetes for me. they would tell me when to check my blood sugar, draw up my insulin, count how many carbs i was eating, my dad even gave me my shot for a few years. when i started to venture out and do things on my own was really when i let this self consciousness get to me and i wouldn't take care of myself. i have had my share of low blood sugars down to the 30s and high blood sugars up into the 600s. [average/where blood sugar should be for a diabetic & where it would be for someone without diabetes is 75-170]. low sugars have landed me in the emergency room or in the back of an ambulance. and high sugars have also landed me in the emergency room as well and just sick to my stomach, throwing up, and dehydrated.
a lot of people don't even know i have diabetes. obviously my family and close friends do, but it is definitely not the first thing i say to someone when i meet them. "hey, i'm lindsay, my body doesn't produce enough insulin to cover how much sugar i intake, so i take a shot anytime i eat."
i don't ever really talk about it with anyone...and if i do, i sugar coat [no pun intended] how well i take care of myself. from the outside it looks like i am a regular nineteen year old girl who loves God, music, and for whatever reason is in love with nashville, and has a love/hate relationship with running...and that is what i should be, that is part of who i am. but on the inside i have become lazy, mostly over the past year. my diabetes has never been a prime example to other diabetics, but i have never let it get this bad. i have found ways around taking care of myself. i have done just enough not to land myself in the hospital for kidney or vision problems, or a long list of other side affects diabetes can take on me if i don't take care of it.
after what seems like a million and one trips to see my en-chronologist, nurse practitioner, or dietitian, i am now at the point where if i went to see them now, i wouldn't know what to do. i am not healthy. i don't take care of my diabetes the way i should and it scares me. when i was younger my dad would tell/somewhat make me go running with him just to bring my sugar down so i wouldn't end up with kidney problems ten years down the road. well that ten years is slowly catching up to me. the longer i am lazy with taking care of myself and monitoring my diabetes the more likely i am closer to not being able to have my own kids, going blind at a young age, having major kidney problems, and trouble with my feet and hands.
on sunday at woodside a guy named nick spoke during the service. he doesn't have arms or legs. he is traveling the world telling people who look at him funny and confused that he feels blessed to be in the state he is in. i can say that, i might be blessed to have arms and legs but i also do feel blessed to have type 1 diabetes. i could have been diagnosed with cancer eleven years ago. i could have been diagnosed with a million other things when i was eight that are not treatable. diabetes might not have a cure [yet], but when taken care of, you can live with it, you can live your life just the way anyone else would. its a pain in the butt to watch what i eat [because i do love food], it is a pain to have to check my blood sugar and wonder if the number in five seconds will be low, high, or just right, it is a pain to take a shot in my stomach several times a day, and although i might be "used to" taking a shot, i can still feel it, it still hurts sometimes, it leaves marks sometimes. it is a pain to have high blood sugar, especially because it puts me in a really bad mood and i tend to take it out on my family. and it is a pain to have to travel with lantus, humolog, a monitor, glucose tablets, lancets, syringes and the list goes on,,,,but i am blessed to have it. i am blessed to have a dad that loves me so much that he would want me to go running with him just so my blood sugar stays low. i am blessed to have a twin that is concerned for my health. i am blessed to have everything at my fingertips to manage and control this disease. but i have taken advantage of my blessing. i have been to lax with the fact that i can take a shot for eating a whole bunch of crap that i know is poison to my body, i have become lax with the fact that i can increase the amount of insulin to cover it.
a couple of weeks ago a guy from the youth group at my church was diagnosed with diabetes and he came on our winter camp retreat. my mom advised i go introduce myself and just let him know i was there if he needed anything or had any questions. and i was embarrassed and ashamed that he would have to come to me if he had a question because i have had it for so many years and i should be learning from him and asking him questions. one of the nights he shared with a smaller group of us about it and as much as i wanted to run up there and give him a hug because i can actually relate to him on that level i was glued to seat crying, sobbing, praying, thinking, and wondering why in the world i don't take better care for myself and why i couldn't be a better example to him in the beginning of his new life with this thing called diabetes. God gave me diabetes for a reason. my mom has and probably always will remind me that God doesn't give us something we can't handle. He knows that i can handle this, that is why He chose lindsay to have diabetes. He knows that i have been neglecting this illness that isn't going away anytime soon.
since the new year has started i have been trying [keyword: trying] to grab the reigns of my health and stop being so lazy and unwilling to move forward and get healthy, rather than mope around in the fact that i consider myself "the worst example of a diabetic ever". since that night at our retreat, i have just been constantly reminded of the fact that i can't do it on my own and i can't think for a second that i, lindsay erin fillmore can control my diabetes, but that only God my Father who wants me to be healthy, wants me to live and move and breath for Him, and use me to help someone else along the road, can help me control my disease. only He can rid me of my laziness and give me the strength and power to live as long as He has me here with type 1 diabetes.
don't feel bad for me, just pray with me.
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