overwhelm {me}...

I should be finishing my homework right now... but Isaiah 61 & I Want to know You by Jesus Culture are distracting me, making me want to jump up & down::

soak up some truth & goodness...

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
{isaiah sixty-one}

{Grace never ending
Your hands they carry me
Your body is broken
for all the world to see
my heart is held
by love so unconditional
You captivate me
let Your spirit overwhelm me
let Your presence overtake my heart...}

{picture, totally unrelated:: just r-e-a-l-l-y missing my twin right now..
it has officially been the longest we've gone without communication.}

HE will not delay..

This past week seems like it's been dragging on more than usual? I don't know why, but it was just kind of a horrible week with school, my car, just feeling really negative & blue, & missing my sister(s). But it was such a rich weekend with the 400-some people I got to experience God with, so that should have left me in a really good mood all week!

I definitely think it was the Devil trying to seep his way into my heart for sure. Just every morning this week was awful & leaving me in a bad, nasty mood, instead of making the best out of the worst or rejoicing & being glad. BUT low and behold my Lisa came in & saved the day(s) with a pep-talk/reminder/encouragement that made me remember I was trying to finish these thoughts LAST week, but forgot about them..

So my mom is full of a lot of wisdom & good-solid-advice.. which I am SO thankful for, I hope if I have a daughter someday, I can pour as much wisdom & good advice into her as my mom always has into me!! BUT all that to say ONE of the good things she ALWAYS reminds me of is the only three ways God answer's prayer requests, no matter how big or small: Yes. No. Wait.

{At Lighthouse two weeks ago Cliff talked about Habakkuk & how he was waiting on an answer from God & I read these verses over the weekend on our retreat..so I had to finish writing about it!!}

US: How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
GOD: Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.

{For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay!!!!!!!!!!!}

So we get on our knees before God, asking him for this or that {you fill in the blank}. Waiting for God to answer our pleads. Obviously we wouldn't mind if God answered everything we prayed about with a YES or in the way WE want them to be answered... but there are times when we have to reluctantly be content with a no or a not yet.

Those are the seasons that might seem like a valley or leave us angry with why God isn't answering our prayer the way WE want Him to. Or these seasons of "no" or "wait" can be used to grow closer to the Him...

If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, then God is still paving the way for something great coming our way. If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, maybe God is using that time to bring us closer to Him. If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, we need to keep our eyes & heart open for the little things, all leading to the end result our God has for us.

When God says "no" to something as much as it hurts to swallow that {especially if it's something we were SO sure about} and as hard as it is to accept a straight up NO, maybe not right then, but eventually you'll start to see exactly why God said no to something or didn't make something happen in the way WE wanted it to. We start to pray harder, or more frequently, trying to fight the NO. Trying to change God's mind somehow. When that happens to me, I'm so sure of something and then it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to, I can always see later on that it was really a blessing that God had a different plan for me rather than giving me what I thought I needed. We serve a gracious God, who wants & desires the BEST for us, He knows what we need, WHEN we need it. He doesn't delay.

{another thing my mom always tells me is if God doesn't answer our prayers in a way we wanted Him to or the way we thought He was going to (a NO or a WAIT) that He has something ELSE, something BETTER waiting for us...that He's still preparing us for!!}

Then there's the times when God gives us what we've been praying for. A yes. He answers a prayer {big or small} with a YES. A go ahead. A it's time. He doesn't delay. He knows we're ready for something, He knows it's time for this or that. What!? It's exciting & scary at the same time. Too good to be true. Blessing. Joy. Happiness. Undeserving. It's almost like this answer is more work than a "wait" or a "no" because it's a constant, day to day surrender to the One who blessed us with our YES. Giving up whatever it is He's blessed us with & remembering none of it's ours.

{in other news totally unrelated, it needs to be s p r i n g already.}

words + phrases...

movies. faithfulness. God-sized-prayer-requests. snow. learning. good-byes. hope. school. work. holidays. blessed. dreams. boots. new year. snuggly babies. quality friends. laughter. family. relaxation. imperfection. french press. sleeping in. painting nails. pleading for wisdom+healing. shopping. burt's bees. gift-giving. sledding. royal oak. a good cry {or two}. text messages. God's goodness. Hope in hurt+pain. skype. new adventures. slow to speak+quick to listen. creativity. worship. journals. enjoying the ride. in awe. small group. australia. reading. rest in Him. connections. courageous. sweaters. curiosity. answered prayers. at a loss for words. unfailing Love. gracious. talking about God. talking to God.. a lot.

{photo}

The LORD has done great things for {me}, and {I am} filled with joy. {psalm one-twenty-six:three}

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not provide false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. {habakkuk two:three}

hey December...

..so about this diet I've been on for the last month. It was so refreshing to not be consumed by things that don't matter or are distracting to me for a few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that the social networking scene is good for staying connected with people I don't see on a regular basis, so I have missed that, but really don't miss any of it otherwise.

It was all really what I needed coming out of such a pit! It hasn't been easy, but it's been so good. October was really yucky, November was really great, & now it's December already!?

Can I share two verses that were shared with me earlier in November after talking about all of this fasting, the pit that was October & just being all-around distracted for so long? Of course I can! So I used two different versions of the Bible to smash these two verses together:

{...casting down arguments & every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. [New King James]

...our {God}tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction & building lives of obedience into maturity. [The Message]}
{second corinthians ten:five & six}

chosen...

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons {daughters} through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”

{I co-lead a small group of tenth grade girls every Wednesday with my mommy & we’re going over Ephesians this semester. So before Lighthouse I was just reading over Ephesians & writing things down & pondering the chapter.

This is just a few of the verses from Ephesians 1.. you should go read the rest of it, because it was such a perfect reminder for me tonight that the God of the universe CHOSE me. He PICKED me. He WANTED me. Before time began God thought of choosing Lindsay Erin Fillmore to be one of His own.

The reminder of that kind of took my breath away while I was reading the rest of the chapter. Because everyone wants to picked. Everyone longs to be wanted. Everyone desires to be chosen.

And HE chose me. I was adopted into His family. I belong to HIM.

Thank you LORD.}

step by step..

IN HER HEART

A WOMAN PLANS
HER COURSE,
BUT THE LORD
DETERMINES
HER STEPS.
{proverbs sixteen:nine}

...two years of wanting to teach kindergarten to cute five year olds, I'm not feelin' it anymore, psychology is calling my name. Right when I "thought" I had everything all planned with finishing school to teach, God reminds me it's not up to me & I just have to plan as best I can with where He has me & He'll take care of the rest, even if that means changing majors half way through.

ouch..

"I can't stand your religious meetings.

I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
your pretentious slogans and goals.
I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,
your public relations and image making.
I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
When was the last time you sang to me?
Do you know what I want?
I want justice—oceans of it.
I want fairness—rivers of it.
That's what I want. That's all I want."

...amos five:twentyone-twentyfour
{the message}

new time, new season...

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil?

¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men.

¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.

¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

{patience is a virtue . . . here's to a new season }

rejoice & be glad..

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.
I WILL REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT.

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.
I WILL REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT.

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.
I WILL REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT.

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.
I WILL REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT.

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.
I WILL REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT.

{psalm oneeighteen : twentyfour}

{i've had to remind myself of this a lot this week.}

sowing the seeds of life...

{This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow, I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow.}

*God, no matter how long a seed in my life takes to harvest, help to know YOU are right there with me in the season of waiting, growing, & watching. Help me to weed out the bad, ugly, & negative that isn't of You. God give me more than enough patience & perseverance when I feel like I can't wait any longer or go on & help reap only things that will glorify YOU so that when the harvest is done the end result will be a beautiful flower (whatever it is)...

...It's just another way that God amazes me with His timing & how He knows what my heart needs when it needs it. My heart needed to hear this tonight. To know that He is with me in these different seasons of life & that all these things in my life (seeds) that I've been given to sow I learned tonight I need to let go of & with faith believe that God will fertilize, water, & help grow that little seed no matter how big or how small, or how little or long it takes, that in His *perfect timing* it will become a beautiful flower in a future season of life.

"...But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life."
-- galatians six:eight (the message)

too good to be true...?

There are only a few more days left of the month of May in the year of twenty-ten? Where did May go? Seriously. On May 1st I was in California… that seems like it was yesterday!!

Anyway, this has been a lovely month of May. The kind of lovely where I feel like it was too good to be true. One day something bad was bound to happen, because I can definitely have some bad days...

It consisted of…
hanging with friends.
enjoying the weather.
watching little ones a lot.
traveling.
getting excited about being a part of a church that’s alive & doing things to increase the Kingdom.
talking to God a lot, pleading for wisdom & direction on this journey called life.
watching my brothers play baseball.
having dinner with my family.
listening to a lot of good new & old music.
staying up too late.
sleeping in past noon.
cozying with babies.
driving a lot.
writing in the last page of one of my most favorite journals to date, which actually kind of made me sad, because I liked that journal a lot & have some good stuff in there…
waking up every morning with this crazy feeling of happiness, excitement, & joy…

Like the old Newsboys song says:
“You give me joy that’s unspeakable, and I like it…”

{took the words right out of my mouth}

So I like it. I like this joy my Creator fills me with & I it makes me smile. But maybe it has all been too good to be true and there really is something God is preparing my heart for that is the BAD?

The other night I was reminded of the truth in the fact that where there is good, bad often follows. So immediately I started getting these thoughts in my head of all the possibilities of what could be around the corner that would be this bad...

Can you still have this unspeakable joy even if God throws an unpleasant situation into your life? I hope I can. I hope & pray that in my life whatever God brings my way good or bad, that I can still contain this unexplainable joy & smile at the day He’s given me, even if it brings pain or heartache...



…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.{romans eight:twenty-eight}

Have {life} to the full...

the thief
I HAVE COME
comes
THAT THEY
only to
MAY HAVE
steal and
LIFE, AND
kill and
HAVE IT TO
destroy.
THE FULL.
{john ten:ten}

Isaiah 30...

I tend to work best in the middle of the night. As much as I love my sleep, I find it hard to sit and write a paper or do homework during the day, sitting at a desk or at a coffee shop. I can get small-busy-work-research type things done, but when it comes to sitting down and actually writing a paper, however long it is, it only happens in the early AM. Maybe because it's REALLY quite, I'm alone, & not distracted...?! Yes.

Well now, here I sit at 2AM wide-eyed without a school-realted paper to write, and I was just reading through Isaiah 30 and thought about how I feel like God {still} has me in this "waiting season" of life. I don't think I've {really} learned what it means to "wait on Him" or truly sit back and be patient, even though I feel like I've been learning more & more about it since January..

Like He's preparing me for {something}. Big, small, exciting, scary, adventurous, etc. I'm slowly but surely getting closer & closer to the edge of this cliff getting ready to jump into whatever it is God is preparing me for..

So this is what Isaiah hit me with tonight.

{vs. 9-10} ...children unwilling to listen to the LORD's instruction. They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets,"Give us no more visions of what is right!"

After I read these couple verses, it hit me that this is exactly how I tend to be, these two verses have my name by them. I want to ask the prophets what the vision of what is right is! I want to know what is coming! I don't want to listen to what the LORD wants for me! I want to do my own thing. {Note to self, you're kind of a brat.}

{vs. 18} "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion." For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who WAIT FOR HIM!

THEN I read this verse...there is a Man who wants to be gracious & compassionate to me & all He wants is for me to PATIENTLY WAIT for Him!

It gets better.. I kept reading....

{vs. 21} Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

So despite my want-to-be-in-control-esque attitude, God just wants me to WAIT for Him to whisper which way to go next, instead of me worrying and being anxious about {whatever} the next chapter in the story of Lindsay holds.

{there is zero significance between this picture & Isaiah 30...

I just need/want to get a bike.}

"We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you."

...psalm 33:20-22

[my restless heart definitely needed the peace from that passage tonight. thanks God.]

rain at night & God's goodness...

rain at n i g h t...
I do love the sound of rain hitting the window at night, but in December!? I know I'll regret this once the snow is still on the ground come April, but I am actually anticipating the snow right now, I can't really get into the Christmas mood without it I guess...

Gods g o o d n e s s...
I don't understand & can't comprehend why He wants the best for me & delights in me, when I put Him on the back burner so often & don't fully rely on Him!? Everything this week that I thought was horrible and made me stressed out and made me want to drop out of school all came together and worked out and got all complete. And I was totally encouraged by a random girl in one of my classes today! Thanks for being so good to me even when I REALLY don't deserve it God..

{Praise the LORD,
for the LORD is good;
sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant}
psalm 135:3

. . . . . .

*PS I was in Nashville last week... it made me want to move there even more than I wanted to before!

Psalm 130...

As much as I cannot wait until Christmastime, Autumn is still one of my favorites. I think that this passage from Psalms would sum up my Autumn thus far. I feel like I have been "waiting" for something. Starting in late August up until just recently I felt like God was up to "something", in my life, He for sure had something up His sleeve for me for this fall. I had no clue what, who, when, or where this "something" would occur. And being the selfish human being that I am, all along I had felt like it would be some fortunate event that would happen in my life during this season, but with the season quickly coming and going, I've found myself still waiting...

I had felt an excitement & giddy-ness about "it", which is weird for me, because I tend to hate surprises & always like to know details of what is going on, & it is (and probably always will be) hard for me to surrender all the details of my life to God, and give up control & any idea in my mind that I have, that I am entitled to knowing what the God of the universe wants for me & has in store for me. (Lindsay, why don't you just trust in Me 100% and know, full well that I have planned what is best for you? --God).

So recently that "it" has been hitting me like a train. Totally unexpectedly and not about me at all, but about God using me (for reasons I can't understand! in someone else life. And looking back over the last three months or so, seeing EVERY detail (big and small) that God has been working out is crazy! From people coming or going in my life, certain connections, different verses I've come across, and even some song lyrics.. its crazy.

Emotionally, I really don't think I was ready for "it", but spiritually, I had never been so sure of anything in my life, and knew full well, that these events were the "it" that God had laid on my heart at the beginning of this season of my life. And I know I sound like a crazy person right now, but I'm just trying to convey how God really does move in a mysterious way & even when we don't think we know what we are doing, or why He is using us for something, He is faithful & pulls us through.

I've kept a pretty faithful journal since middle school, and I don't think in all of those years I've ever written so many prayers to God and pleas for help & guidence as I have in the last few weeks. I feel like thats my way of talking to God, writing out prayers to Him, and now I just pretty much summed it all up into a [short] blog entry... whew.

P.S. I really don't know if any of this makes sense? But I keep a blog, for myself, although I keep a hand written journal, sometimes typing things out, helps me more. I really don't know if anyone reads this, but I don't really mind, like I said, I do it for my own therapy sometimes (talking to myself...) Well I hope & pray, somehow, someway, anyone who comes across this, can relate any of these words to something in their own life & be encouraged by it.

..lef

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

² O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

⁴ But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,

⁷ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

its 3:26am..

i am..

exhausted, wanting to really rest.
drained, wanting school to be over.
nervous, about what's coming.
unsure, of the outcome.
unworthy, of the task.
and
overwhelmed, by how empty i feel.

but..

awestruck, by Gods timing & interruptions.
excited, for the end product..
hopeful, because He's in control.
ready, for this "something"
willing, to fight
and
trusting, He's going to hold my hand the whole way.

[I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.]
-psalm 34:4-5

Valley's speak wonders of Your name...

I am not typically up this late.. but homework keeps me awake to wee hours of the morning. Recently I haven't minded it as much, until my eye lids finally can't take it anymore & fail to stay open, then I hear my phone beckoning me to wake up only a couple hours later and do all the craziness all over again the next day...

BUT while attempting to finish a ridiculous outline (*I HATE outlines.), quietly I'm playing this crazy huge "Worship" playlist on my iTunes. The wind outside is blowing like I haven't heard in a really long time. My heart beats a little faster each time I hear it get louder & louder, then its calm for a few minutes.

Back to this playlist.. there are a select few worship songs that are the goose bumps,
"holy cow, God thanks for sending this song my way RIGHT now", kind of worship song. Whether the lyrics, the melody & harmony of the song, or just how a certain lyrics fit right into where I'm at, at a certain time...

I think that what makes this song ten times better for right now at 2am, is that in the middle of the night I feel my God speaking to me & feel raw & in need of Him, to talk to Him about how good or bad my past day was, talk to Him about what is on my heart, cry out to Him for guidance, peace, & REST. And just in the first few lines of the song that say:

LORD, YOU SEARCH ME, YOU KNOW ME, YOU HEAR ALL MY THOUGHTS, NO POINT IN HIDING.. (I can't really think of anywhere I could go right now at 2am to escape..)LORD YOU FOUND ME, SO COMPLETELY IN NEED OF YOU! I CAN'T RUN FROM YOU!

THIS song. Is one of those songs. I first heard it a few weeks ago when it first came out. And I appreciate small things relating to music and worship music even more, because its a direct connection/prayer to my Creator. So it makes me smile that 1. it is a female voice singing, 2. the words are "whoa", 3. I feel like the words can relate to me a little bit more & more everyday in this season of my life, on the edge of a new adventure, learning patience, & constantly being reminded that I really can't run from God! 4.I could listen to it over & over & over again, 5. I could go through & dissect every lyric to this song, but I think a lot of it speaks for itself....

Lord you search me.
And you know me.
You hear all of my thoughts
No point in hiding
Lord you found me
So completely in need of You
I cannot run from You

If I go to the heavens or down below,
You are right there waiting
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
You are there, I will find You waiting

You are in the highest place
You are in the falling rain
You are in the mountain peaks
And valleys speak wonders of Your name
You are in the perfect sky
You are in every breath I breathe
You are in every moment life seems to pass me by
You are my Prince of Peace

In the glory of Your glory
I become like You are, it’s overwhelming
In the presences of your presences,
I finally see all Your love for me

If I go to the heavens or down below,
You are right there waiting
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
You are there, I will find you waiting

You are in everything
You’re in every part, it all ends and starts with You my King
You’re everything, You are in everything

-Highest Place, Desperation Band-

Grant me the favor..

[There are WAY too many songs by artists that I wish I could say I have written...this whole song would be one of them, but mostly this prayer at the end, just drives me crazy.]

"Oh Lord bless me, and keep me
Cause Your face, to shine on me
Lord be gracious, in the light of
Your countenance, give me peace
For I live only to see Your face
So shine one me

Let the light of Your face
Shine down, on my heart
And let me, feel it

Shine on me
Grant me the favor of Your face, Jesus.
Its all I need, its all I need
Its what I crave..."

[Light of Your Face, Jesus Culture...]

God, let ME of all people, see YOUR face!? God its what I crave! mmm, I love it. Its what I needed this week a lot + it just makes me excited, to just say that to my God & feels kind of like a reminder that, that's what I need. I need to crave the favor of my God, not just sometimes, but always...

the great unknown...

No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived,
what God has prepared
for those who love Him...
-1 Corinthians 2:9