excitement..

I should definitely be finishing my homework right now, but I can't help but stop for a while & read, write, & reflect on the things God has done, is doing, & is going to do in & through my life right now!

A few weeks ago I wrote in my journal; "God I need just enough faith, I need faith to believe the impossible in my life, help my unbelief", then a few days later I wrote out a list of God-sized things in my life that are seemingly impossible for me, but not for my God.

Because I've asked God for huge things in my life in the past {some of which I've been writing & writing & writing & writing some more}, but didn't have 100% faith that He could fulfill them, big or small. That what I was asking for, the God of the universe couldn't make happen with the snap of a finger.

I had a twinge of doubt deep inside.. the doubt has slowly but surely been shedding from my mind & I'm REALLY starting to truly believe & acknowledge the greatness of my God & the miraculous things He can & will do. Getting rid of the twinge of doubt & also changing my list from the selfish things that I think I need to asking for the desires of God's heart to be desires of my heart as well.

Doubt still seeps in sometimes, but the power of God covers it & sends signs to show me He's constantly working in mysterious & miraculous ways, that leave me speechless, thankful, & feeling really spoiled!

Not everything on my list has & maybe never will come to fruition or be answered with a clear yes, no, or not yet, but several of them have & it's just crazy how SO many things in my life {BIG & small} can't be explained except for God. God. God.

HIS grip..

"your HEAVENLY FATHER has a firm grip on you. HIS vantage point is way above the water level. HE'S bigger than you. HE'S stronger than you. and HE'S got you safely in HIS grip. it gets better: when you get down to it, you're not the one holding on to HIM -- HE'S holding on to you. maybe you're afraid that if you pray a sun stand still prayer & live in audacious faith, you'll end up letting GOD down. but the reality is, you were never holding HIM up."
--steven furtick, sun stand still

wait? wait.

I'VE BEEN DEBATING WITH MYSELF ABOUT WHAT "WORD" I WOULD DECLARE AS MY OWN TO SOMEHOW (IN TWO MINUTES..) BE ABLE TO VERBALIZE WHAT GOD HAS DONE IN MY LIFE. MY TWO WORD STORY.

{side note: when I think of these "two word stories" i think of what someone was BEFORE they knew Christ & how the SAME word is used in their story AFTER they began to know Christ how the meaning or significance of the word changed... i got saved when i was six years old. so what defined me before i knew Christ as a six year old? i lied to my mom about why i hit one sister or called the other sister stupid? so I'm using a word that has defined me & changed in meaning to me most significantly since I've been in college...up until now!}

I LIKE WORDS. I LOVE WORDS ACTUALLY. I LOVE DICTIONARIES. I LOVE THESAURUS' MORE. I LIKE TO TALK, BUT SOMETIMES I TALK TOO MUCH. WHILE OTHER TIMES I DON'T HAVE WORDS TO VERBALIZE, SO I HAVE TO EXPRESS THEM VIA WRITING OR TYPING THEM. SO IT'S TAKEN ME A LITTLE WHILE TO FINALLY SETTLE ON JUST ONE WORD.

w a i t {? / .}

SO LOW & BEHOLD, HERE'S MY {PROBABLY MORE THAN} TWO MINUTE STORY...

weakness: impatience.
IT'S NOTHING I'M PROUD OF, BUT I DON'T TEND TO BE A VERY PATIENT PERSON.
I CAN BE, BUT I HAVE TO ASK GOD TO FILL ME WITH IT EVERY MORNING!!!!!
I LIKE TO DRIVE FAST.
GET FROM POINT A TO POINT B AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
I AVOID LONG LINES.
I DON'T WAIT FOR CLOSE PARKING SPOTS WHEN I CAN PARK A FEW SPOTS FARTHER FROM THE DOOR & GET INSIDE JUST AS QUICKLY AS I COULD HAVE IF I HAD WAITED FOR THE CLOSER SPOT. {I GET EXCITED WHEN I GET A GOOD SPOT WITHOUT TRYING THOUGH!!}
I LIKE FAST RESULTS.
I LIKE TO JUST KNOW.
I WANT TO KNOW, NOW.
NOT IN FIVE MINUTES OR TEN YEARS: RIGHT NOW.

...wait?
THUS... I AM ALWAYS YEARNING FOR DETAILS. I LIKE TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, EVEN BEFORE IT HAPPENS. SUSPENSE KILLS ME. I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES. I'M ANXIOUS & ANTSY ABOUT THE FUTURE. I DAY DREAM A LOT. I'VE WASTED PRECIOUS TIME WISHING MY LIFE AWAY. I'VE SPENT A LONG TIME WALLOWING IN SELF PITY WANTING SOMETHING MORE OR WAITING FOR SOMETHING ELSE & NOT BEING SATISFIED WITH WHERE I'M AT.

IN MY JOURNAL {MORE OFTEN TIMES THAN NOT} I'VE WRITTEN TO GOD: OK GOD, WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY? I. NEED. TO. KNOW.... NOW.

MORE RECENTLY I WENT THROUGH A FEW MONTHS OF JUST QUESTIONING GOD. BEING FRUSTRATED WITH GOD. WONDERING "WHEN IN THE WORLD GOD ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING IN MY FAVOR FOR ONCE, BLESS ME. GIVE ME THIS. DO THAT. SHOW ME CLEARLY WHICH WAY TO GO." LITERALLY IN TEARS NIGHT AFTER NIGHT PLEADING TO GOD FOR DIRECTION, ANSWERS, SIGNS, A JOB, HEALING, MOTIVATION, THE LIST GOES ON... {selfishly waiting on God}

selfishness. controlling. contempt. worry. jealousy. envy. anxiousness. lack of faith. lack of trust.

...wait.
me: GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG FOR THIS, FOR THAT, FOR YOU TO DO THIS, FOR YOU TO DO THAT?!

god: BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO LEARN HOW TO BE PATIENT.
SO YOU CAN LEARN TO TRUST IN MY PLAN FOR YOU & BELIEVE THAT I WANT TO BLESS YOU & GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART.
THAT MY TIMING IS PERFECT.
THAT I BRING YOU THROUGH SEASONS & VALLEYS TO GET YOU READY FOR WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU ON THE NEXT PAGE, IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.
SO THAT YOU'LL LEARN TO SIT BACK & ENJOY THE STORY UNFOLDING INSTEAD OF ALWAYS WANTING TO READ THE LAST PAGE FIRST.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE. HE'S THE ONE WHO WROTE IT, NOT ME, I'M JUST A CHARACTER IN THIS STORY. SO I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE WAITING FOR WHAT IS ON THE NEXT PAGE OR IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

SO HERE I AM NOW, FINDING CONTENTMENT, HAVING REAL FAITH, COMPLETELY TRUSTING, ABSOLUTELY BELIEVING, BEING TOTALLY SATISFIED, LETTING GO OF ALL CONTROL, & HAVING HOPE IN MY GOD PAVING THE WAY FOR ME. WRITING EVERY WORD JUST HOW IT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN, DEVELOPING DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF THE STORY AS THEY NEED TO DEVELOP.

IT'S KIND OF SCARY & NERVE WRACKING WHEN YOU'RE WALKING BLINDLY THROUGH THE PLOT TO A STORY, BUT COMFORTING WHEN THE AUTHOR REMINDS YOU HE LOVES YOU, ALREADY HAS THE STORY WRITTEN, & KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING NEXT, WHEN I DON'T.

ALL THE TIME I'VE SPENT {AND WILL SPEND} WAITING ON GOD, WAS {IS} TIME HE WAS {IS} TEACHING ME PATIENCE, SHOWING ME HE'S IN CONTROL, LETTING ME LOOK BACK & RECOGNIZE THAT HIS TIMING IS PERFECT, & THAT HE DOES NOT DELAY... THAT HE WAS {IS} LITTLE BY LITTLE PREPARING ME FOR WHAT WAS {IS} ON THE NEXT PAGE, NOT LEAVING ME IN THE DARK TO AGGRAVATE ME!!

feeling content. heaps of faith. lots of trust. pure belief. satisfaction. comfort. goodness. hope.

{wait} for the LORD, be strong & take heart, and {wait} for the LORD.
those who {wait} for the LORD will renew their strength, they will run & not grow weary.
I {wait} for the LORD, my whole being {waits} and in his word I put my hope.
but if we hope for what we do not have yet, we {wait} for it patiently.