day dreaming...

the more time I spend in Detroit & the more people I connect with & meet the more my mind starts to drift & dream.

Thus causes me to blast Dreamers by Daniel Bashta in my ears, while gazing out the window at Thistle Coffee Shop on a gloomy fall afternoon.. {not doing homework...}

dreaming of...

...a broken city coming up from the ashes, into the Light.

...living amongst a community of people who have heaps of hope for a city that most of the world fears & have given up on.

...seeing God sweeping up the broken people who have lost the sight of hope for themselves & their city.

...everything we (as humans) deem impossible.. even though nothing is impossible for our God.

{picture: clf}

they'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
they'll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind
and make it new.
{isaiah sixty-one}

for all my sisters...

This... has taken a long time for me to write! It's hard to talk about some of these topics, but I tried to do it as carefully as I could because it all means a lot to me. It took a lot of tweaking & a lot of asking God for the right words to use. But low & behold here is a lot of words regarding a whole plethora of things I'm passionate about. It's long, so get ready.

I'm writing this specifically geared toward a potpourri of lovely high school girls in my life that are a part of Woodside Student Ministry, but it can relate to any female really no matter her age, including myself. So read this as if I was sitting across from you at Starbucks over a cup of coffee or hot chocolate....

If you & I were sitting down at a Starbucks, Caribou, Panera, your house, my house, at church, wherever, to chat about life, love, & other mysteries right now, I would as gently & as lovingly as I could scream this into your heart, because I love YOU. Do me a favor & read this slowly. Soak it up. Drink up some truth for a minute {or two} sister. {I'm screaming it all right into my own heart too..}

{YOU are beautiful no matter what.}
You my sweet friend, are a beauty. Your freckles, your eyes, your eye lashes, your mouth, your smile, your teeth; straight, crooked, with braces, with spaces, white or yellow.. are beautiful. Your eye brows; skinny, bushy, plucked, waxed, untouched... are beautiful. Your ears, your nose, your blemishes, your acne, everything on your face that your make-up hides.. is beautiful. Your height, your weight, your skin color, your toes, your fingers, your arms, your tummy, everything about YOU.. is beautiful. And are exactly how & where a very crafty Creator perfectly intended. Before time began God was sketching a picture of YOU & deciding where each freckle, birth mark, & mole would be on your body. Do not FOR ONE SECOND let ANYONE {your mom, sister, brother, dad, uncle, aunt, grandma, grandpa, friend, BEST friend, or the reflection in your mirror} tell you otherwise.

{YOU are worth more than YOU could ever imagine.}
Sister, do you know how much you're REALLY worth? Do you know that a King gave His WHOLE life for just YOU? Do you know that He saved YOU? Do you know YOU mean more than anything in the world to HIM? Did you know He chose YOU to be His? He wants YOU. Do you know YOU are desired by an all-knowing, all-loving, mysterious, wondrous God? Did you know YOU are written on HIS heart? Did you know YOU are worth more than any precious jewels, diamonds, or rubies to Him? Did you know He craves time with just YOU? Did you know He longs for YOU? Did you know HE wants what's best for YOU? Did you know He knows what YOUR heart needs? Did you know He is the author of YOUR story? This Man, is your Beloved & He is YOURS, YOU are His. If you let Him be. Even if you don't right now.. He'll be waiting patiently for YOU to come running into His arms. Even if you can't accept His love for YOU, you are STILL worth more than anyone or anything to HIM & that He'll always be there just for YOU. Sister, no man, husband, boyfriend, friend, anyone or anything.. can ever love you as much as He does.

{are YOU talking to God?}
Do you talk to our God? Like really, REALLY talk to Him? Do you talk to Him about the desires of your heart? Do you ask Him to do God-sized things in your life? Do you believe He can do God-sized things in your life? Do you get on your face before Him pleading for direction, guidance, or wisdom for your journey? Don't be scared, ashamed, embarrassed, or feeling unworthy when it comes to talking to God about the the biggest, craziest, or teeny-tiniest desires of your heart! He already knows ALL of them, and the desires of your heart ten years from now, and fifty years from now. He desires to hear all about it from YOU. Let Him know when you have a good, great, horrible, exciting, horrific, sad, or happy day. Let Him know when you're frustrated with Him, let go of your pride & let Him know you really don't have it all together & you NEED Him to hold your hand & guide YOU.

*{the future husband prayer.}
Story time, I remember sitting in my seventh grade English class (at a Christian school) with Mrs. Smith & her telling us about her & her husband. She told us that she had started praying for her husband when she was young, I guess it never really crossed my mind until she mentioned that, but I liked it & it caught my attention. Since then I've pretty much done the same. The prayer has changed a bit over the years but has stayed pretty constant: "God, I don't know who HE is, where HE is, or what HE's doing right now..." you get the gist of it right? I believe in a big God. I believe in a God who listens to His children when they call on Him. You talk, He listens, even if you're talking about someone you can only dream about right now. You can even use my prayer for Prince Charming if you want!

{hold high standards for YOURSELF}
As a twenty-one year old, college student, there are a whole lot of OTHER things I could be doing with my life right now that people my age, younger, or older are involved with. I could be a smoker, I could be an alcoholic, I could be sleeping with a different guy every weekend, I could be out all night making bad decisions & doing a lot of things I would regret later on. As a pretty sensitive person with an overly guilty conscience, I'm not anywhere near involved with any of that. I hold pretty high standards for myself & want to be a good example to YOU, to be someone YOU can look up to. I'M NOT PERFECT (by any stretch of the imagination), but I want to be there for YOU. I want to be here to encourage YOU. I want to be a voice in YOUR head to remind you that you DON'T have to do this or that to look "cool" or to "fit in", that it's OK to stand out & be different. As Christians we're supposed look different from the world, don't let the garbage of this world tempt YOU! Decide what you want people's view of you to look like. Do you want to be different? To look like a little Christ? I survived high school without going to homecoming, any house parties, prom, without drinking, doing drugs, or having sex, and I still had a very fun & pleasant high school experience that left me feeling blessed.

{If you're a female, YOU are captivating.}
The word captivate is a verb that simply means to hold the attraction of a noun (in this case, YOU as a woman, girl, lady, she, her, sister, daughter, all around female; are captivating to the male species.) You catch their attention, catch his attention the right way though. Be captivating by being who YOU are. Don't try to be someone or something you're not to catch his attention.. Sister you're captivating the way you are, being yourself. Don't be a chameleon. PLEASE, don't be. Don't change who you are to win the attention of a GUY! If that's the case.. then he is NOT worth your while. He should be interested in who YOU are, not who you pretend to be!

{survive high school/college without a boyfriend!?}
Crazy I know, but SISTER, I'm just going to say it, and you can argue with me about it if you want but dating in high school is a waste of time. *Any guy reading this can hear this too because it's the truth, I have two younger brothers, one in high school, guys in high school are not looking for a serious relationship, a wife, a soul-mate. You are not ready to get married or to be someone's wife. (dating in my book is for marriage, not a recreational sport, you & I can talk about this another time..) The chances of your high school relationship(s) lasting after graduation is slim to none. Have guy friends! Have fun with them! Hang out with them! Get to know them! Sister, graduate from high school, go to college, get a degree, travel, start a revolution, experience your late teen-twenties-days, AND if God brings a potential-God-fearing-handsome-man into your story in the midst of your college-travel-degree-getting-revolution-making-days, then let it be. I've done it, I'm doing it right now. I've survived. I am about as single as one can be, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been in a relationship, and guess what? I have friends that are my age or younger that are married, engaged, or in serious relationships, & I'm still confused, learning, & trying to understand the whole male-species as a twenty-one year old. That's all I can say about this..

{YOU deserve nothing less than better, than the best.}
When/if a guy wanders into your life, he should respect you for who YOU are & the standards YOU hold for yourself. He should be encouraging & building you up, not discouraging you or tearing you down (physically, verbally, or emotionally). He should be friends with your friends. You deserve a guy who loves the Lord & likes to talk about what God is doing in both of your lives. You deserve a guy who challenges you spiritually & encourages you in your walk with God. He should be knowledgeable of the Bible. He should have a band of brothers who challenge him. He should have another guy in his life that challenges him spiritually & keeps him accountable. You also deserve a man who prays for you & with you. That's just some of what you deserve in a man. Don't settle for anything less or anything convenient.

{THEY need US to help them.}
As girls we like to look nice, we like to feel attractive, we like positive attention right? As daughters of the King, it's our responsibility to help our BROTHERS. What we wear, how we look, the way we move, the way we act, the things we say, can all alter how a guy views us. We're responsible for helping guard their purity & helping them by not being a stumbling block in their lives. There is a way to look nice & feel attractive without putting a negative light on ourselves as women. It builds character & helps us feel good about ourselves when we know we're not causing one of our brothers to stumble. And on the contrary.. I have no tolerance for MEN of any age talking disrespectfully about any girl, whether I know her or not. So let's save all of ourselves some trouble & protect our brothers eyes & help them to not have to talk in a demeaning way to us because of our appearance or how we carry ourselves, carry yourself like the Princess you are.

{Be productive in the waiting for Prince Charming..}
As women we long to be pursued. Our heart desires that special attention from a male, we like that special attention. While we wait for him to come into our stories we can't be wishing our lives away, we can't be sitting back & wallowing in self-pity because Prince Charming hasn't come along yet! We need to be spending time with our God. We need to be hanging out with our SISTERS. We need to be growing & learning things along the way & experiencing the life God has given to us. It's OK to be the wedding-dreaming-baby-name-list-making-sappy-Matt-Wertz-love-song-listening girl.. like myself, as long as you are growing in your relationship with God. Let Him show YOU what He wants for your story. Where He wants you to be. All of our stories are different. All of us experience life in different ways, just let God continue orchestrating it while you wait ever-so patiently for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet. So when Prince Charming comes to sweep you off your feet, sweet sister of mine, your heart is so in tune with your FIRST LOVE's heart that He allows a new man in your life.. it will be a beautiful thing.


You made it. You read these words, do some soaking up, write some things down, process it however you chose fit, but I'd really like to hear from YOU sister. I don't give out my phone number very freely, but I have e-mail, facebook, & do enjoy sitting at coffee shops for chats.
{lefillmore@comcast.net --this goes to my phone or lindsayefillmore@gmail.com}

Intrigued..

{I love words. I love thesaurus'. I love the word intrigue: verb- arouse the curiosity or interest of; fascinate}

I'm intrigued by a lot of things, but one thing that has & probably will always intrigue me is, ballet. Ballerinas. Ballet slippers. Tutu's. Toe shoes. Pointe. Barres. Everything. I love it.

I really can't imagine myself as a ballerina right now just because I am the most inflexible person in the world & can not dance gracefully to save my life! I'm sure if I would have stayed in Miss Michelle's ballet class there could have been hope, but it's hard to imagine!


For a short (very short!) time in my childhood I took a ballet at Fifth Position Dance Center. Miss Michelle was my teacher, we danced across the room to old, classical, scratchy, music on vinyl, for our recital we wore bumble bee tutu's, my favorite two books growing up (maybe still are, don't tell anyone though) were/are "Nina, Nina Ballerina" & "Dance Tanya Dance", & one day if I have a daughter named Gloria Jean (or Norah Jones) of course, I want to enroll her in ballet class & live a ballerina life vicariously through her.


I don't know what it is about ballerinas or ballet in general that I love, but it simply intrigues me & makes me smile. It's graceful, elegant, & lovely. It was a highlight of my winter last year to see the Nutcracker with my Babes... someday I will go see more live ballet!


Even if I'm not a ballerina, I still like to watch them move gracefully across a stage, look at pictures of them, & imitate their elegance.

{check out the ballet project..}

hope{s}...

Why does God let us get our hopes up then He doesn’t cater to whatever it is we had hoped for? Is He trying to makes us feel frustrated or hopeless?

{HE will never leave us or forsake us..}

Just because He doesn’t deliver {what it is we had hoped for} doesn’t mean He’s giving up or neglecting what we need. He’s God. He knows what is best for us. He’s preparing our lives according to the plans He already has written for us.

It’s just not His timing.
Not His plan.
He has a different direction to take us in.
He has something new for us to discover.
He wants me to rely on Him more.
He wants me to be content with the wait-and-see*.
He doesn’t want my hope in anything else but Him.
He wants to bring me closer to Him.
He wants to bring me to my knees.
It’s working. He’s working.
I like it.

{*side note: one of my favorite movie quotes (from Elizabethtown of course..) is “It was sort of a wait-and-see… then I waited & I saw” }

…philippians three:twelve-sixteen, the message.

new time, new season...

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil?

¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men.

¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.

¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

{patience is a virtue . . . here's to a new season }

hey new decade..

It's twenty-ten.
It's a new decade.
It's a fresh start.
It's a genesis.

Ten years ago people were worried about Y2K.
Ten years ago I was ten years old without any real cares in the world.
Ten years ago the world was a different place than it is today.
Ten years ago we said hello to a new millennium.

In the past ten years I've lost and gained good friends.
In the past ten years I've watched America change.
In the past ten years I've grown physically + spiritually.
In the past ten years I've seen God do awesome things, big and small.

In the next ten years I could be married to prince charming.
In the next ten years I could be a mother to a small child.
In the next ten years I will be in my thirties.
In the next ten years anything could happen.

Here's to the next ten years.
Here's to watching God move in more mysterious ways.
Here's to new places and new faces.
Here's to ten more years of living an extraordinary life.

. . . . .

[this has nothing to do with the new year, but I'm currently obsessed with the song Hey, Soul Sister by Train + listening to my moms (my mom is pretty sweet) new Norah Jones album The Fall that she got for Christmas.. my ears are happy.]

. . . . .

au revoir twenty-oh-nine

I also want to go here...

Metropolitain from Greg Mirzoyan on Vimeo.

"What a beautiful place and beautiful video. People never cease to amaze me with their creative talents."

*Amongst a million and one other places I'd love to Paris. This video makes me want to go travel, sit in a cafe in Paris, & explore..

This is from Brooke Premo's blog "Playing Grown Up"!

Paris, I'll come visit you someday..

Psalm 130...

As much as I cannot wait until Christmastime, Autumn is still one of my favorites. I think that this passage from Psalms would sum up my Autumn thus far. I feel like I have been "waiting" for something. Starting in late August up until just recently I felt like God was up to "something", in my life, He for sure had something up His sleeve for me for this fall. I had no clue what, who, when, or where this "something" would occur. And being the selfish human being that I am, all along I had felt like it would be some fortunate event that would happen in my life during this season, but with the season quickly coming and going, I've found myself still waiting...

I had felt an excitement & giddy-ness about "it", which is weird for me, because I tend to hate surprises & always like to know details of what is going on, & it is (and probably always will be) hard for me to surrender all the details of my life to God, and give up control & any idea in my mind that I have, that I am entitled to knowing what the God of the universe wants for me & has in store for me. (Lindsay, why don't you just trust in Me 100% and know, full well that I have planned what is best for you? --God).

So recently that "it" has been hitting me like a train. Totally unexpectedly and not about me at all, but about God using me (for reasons I can't understand! in someone else life. And looking back over the last three months or so, seeing EVERY detail (big and small) that God has been working out is crazy! From people coming or going in my life, certain connections, different verses I've come across, and even some song lyrics.. its crazy.

Emotionally, I really don't think I was ready for "it", but spiritually, I had never been so sure of anything in my life, and knew full well, that these events were the "it" that God had laid on my heart at the beginning of this season of my life. And I know I sound like a crazy person right now, but I'm just trying to convey how God really does move in a mysterious way & even when we don't think we know what we are doing, or why He is using us for something, He is faithful & pulls us through.

I've kept a pretty faithful journal since middle school, and I don't think in all of those years I've ever written so many prayers to God and pleas for help & guidence as I have in the last few weeks. I feel like thats my way of talking to God, writing out prayers to Him, and now I just pretty much summed it all up into a [short] blog entry... whew.

P.S. I really don't know if any of this makes sense? But I keep a blog, for myself, although I keep a hand written journal, sometimes typing things out, helps me more. I really don't know if anyone reads this, but I don't really mind, like I said, I do it for my own therapy sometimes (talking to myself...) Well I hope & pray, somehow, someway, anyone who comes across this, can relate any of these words to something in their own life & be encouraged by it.

..lef

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

² O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

⁴ But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,

⁷ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

to be completely honest...

So...dropping out of college, moving to Nashville, catching the eye of a fedora wearing, guitar playing, song writing, Indie artist, falling in love, getting married, & living happily ever after in the heart of East Nashville, never sounded so good...

[*God, be with my impatient heart. Although all these things sound like something I'd love to do or have, help me to not wish my life away & to do something while I'm here, where You want me...]

thirty things I want to do before I'm thirty...

*This is a random collection of things I would "like" to do before (or after I guess) I am thirty..... (some of these things are semi-unrealistic, but never say never.)

things to do, people to see, places to go....

1. Fly in a plane (in August, I can cross this off). 8/27/09, Detroit to Miami
   
2. Go to South Africa, India, & Thailand to share God with people there.
3. Drive to California.
4. Graduate from college.
5. Marry prince charming.
6. Live in New York City for a few months, just to say I've lived there.
7. Climb a Mountain.
8. Learn how to long board.
9. Drink coffee & read a book in Seattle.
10. Write a generous check anonymously for someone that could use it or leave a large sum of money somewhere for someone to find.
    
11. Run a marathon.
12. Spend a week on a secret tropical island.
    
13. Do the 3-Day walk for Breast Cancer for my Grandma Patricia Joyce.
14. Get a Pancreas transplant!
15. Write a book.
    
16. Own a small boutique in a quaint downtown area.
17. Go to Disney World & act like a little girl.
18. Kiss someone under the Eiffel Tower.
    
19. Live in a house with a deep, large, wrap around porch in the front & a Cracker Barrel rocking chair.
20. Dance at the Wild Horse Saloon in Nashville. (7/26/2011)
21. Sit on a rooftop & look at the stars.
22. Adopt a baby girl from China.
23. Speak at a womens conference.
    
24. Write a song & hear it on the radio.
25. Meet Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, or Britney Spears & tell her God loves her, and that she doesn't need to act the way she does to feel loved or accepted.
26. Have a daughter named Gloria Jean.
27. Climb across the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
28. Get dressed up & see a Ballet or Orchestra in the city. 12/5/09, Nutcracker, Detroit Opera House
    
29. Use the map Claire Colburn from the movie "Elizabethtown" made for Drew Baylor to travel from Elizabethtown, KY back to Oregon.
30. Go to Jerusalem & walk where Jesus walked.

among others...

here is just one reason i hope God sends me to the Nashville area after college to teach kindergarten, marry a musician, & live happily every after...

{even though my mom informed me tonight that my grandpa -who lives in Nashville- said finding work is becoming more of a chore these days as well... but definitely not as bad as it is here in Detroit.}

*never let me go...

i have a tendency to try to go to bed "early" every once in a while... key word try.

so while i am sitting here still wide-eyed i have this crazy long worship playlist playing on random. the song never let me go by hillsong just came on... God definitely picked this one out just for me for right now.

In the shadows; My spirit weak
Love broke through the darkness and lifted me
And I know you'll never let me go

In the storm in the raging sea
Love conquered the fear and delivered me
And I know you'll never let me go

Oh love in the shadows
Be the light who leads me on
Your love I will follow
Be my guide, Your will be done
Oh Lord

In the arms of the One unseen
Love carried the cross that was meant for me

And I know you'll never let me go

Oh Lord I surrender, now forever I'll be loved
In the love of the Father, You are faithful You are strong
So hold me now

Nothing in this life has walked these streets
Love opened my eyes show me what You see
And I know I'll never let You go...

lately i have been feeling like my spirit has been weak & dry. i totally needed to hear that Love breaks through all of this darkness, weak spiritedness, & dryness all the time to remind me that He is always waiting for me to come back to Him and let Him fill me up...

my God is a jealous God and typically when i feel like my heart it dry, my spirit is weak, or i'm not where i want to be in walk with Him, then i haven't had all of my attention on Him.

my attention drifts away. my God falls down a spot on my list of priorities, i make myself too "busy" with things that don't matter. while He belongs at the number one spot on my list of priorities....whatever those priorities are.

the farther i let Him fall down my list, the weaker i get, the dryer my heart becomes, the more i forget how much i need Him. but when He becomes the top priority, the number one thing, then all other priorities no longer seem important. LOVE OPEN MY EYES, SHOW ME WHAT YOU SEE. I KNOW I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO. [and when i do let You go, break through and lift me back up to You...]

although i am so undeserving...Love, the One unseen, my God, my Father, loves me, He holds me, He never lets go of me. in good times or in bad, when He is number one of my list or priorities, or when i have put Him as number two or number seventy-two, in the morning, in the afternoon, or in the middle of the night...

*now i feel like i can go to sleep.............

[photo credit: parker young.]

*spring has sprung...

*obviously everyday i should be in awe of this canvas that i step foot on everyday created by the ultimate Artist, but i am more in awe of it when it starts to get warm outside.

the trees start to show us their leaves or flowers

flowers start to pop up all around

rain falls to help them grow

the sun sprinkles warm air on us

animals (and people in this case) start to come out of their caves of hibernation. being cooped up for a season of hiding from the cold and venture into this new season we call spring.

*real childlike magic...

mad props to my sister for this picture...i just had to steal it though. not to sound cliche, but i really do think a picture is worth more than a thousand words. i could go on for hours probably talking about this picture. it just shows so much innocence, simplicity, love, joy....

although there is a lot going on in this picture, obviously the three girls on the tire swing definitely stand out the most. i love that they are wearing their summer clothes, it looks like the blonde darling is wearing her bathing suite, they are having an amazing time at a week of camp, their hair is blowing from swinging, they are meeting new friends, they are laughing, learning, growing, they are holding on super tight, they are probably giggling, & they are totally embracing their turn on that tire swing. . . . i l o v e t h a t.

so how does a picture of the nashville skyline & the batman building have anything to do with a darling picture of some girls on a tire swing...

well, those girls in that swing, may or may not remember that experience at their week of camp in the summer of two thousand and eight, but i definitely have fond, delightful, enjoyable, wonderful, nostalgic memories of being in the nashville area with my family during a large chunk of my childhood.

i think that i have fallen in love with such a city because of all my favorite memories from growing up are related to being in the nashville area at my grandpas old house, his crazy huge backyard with a hill up one side, downtown franklin, uncles & aunts, 8-10 hour rides in the car to get there, downtown nashville, the batman building, country music, opry, driving with my uncle during his senior year of high school to pizza hut listening to brown eyed girl, rec-world for go-carting, driving around the hills to see crazy huge houses, even my grandpas new house with my younger cousins, always having deli-style sandwiches for lunch, riding scooters up & down my grandpas street...

sigh... along with all that, for a really long time i wanted to work in the music industry in nashville, because i really do love music and always thought that sort of job would be a lot of fun to have... but this last semester i definitely changed my mind and am 99.9% sure i want to be an elementary school teacher. i still want to live in nashville though.

i honestly pray often that God would send me down there eventually, and i do believe that God puts desires in our hearts & wants to bring us those desires. He knows i want to and long to live there so badly, i just have to wait on His timing, to see if that is where He takes me!

hopefully one day i can call the 615, nashvegas, or music city usa h o m e.

ps. it is raining at the moment..i l o v e the sound of rain outside. i also l o v e sitting in my grandpas covered back porch in nashville when it is raining...

*its t h r e e .... i should be sleeping

*honestly, i neeeed to curve this habit of mine. i stay up much to late. late enough that commercials for excersie equipment, acne cleanser, & natural make up comes on. i am currently sitting in my bed,wide-eyed, i dont even know why? i cant recall the last time i went to bed before 1 to 2 am.... its not very healthy. anyway, while i am up.....here are some random thoughts of mine about life, love, & other mysteries...

L I F E .

christmas has come & gone.

[much to quickly]

christmas consisted of:

-friends

-[extended] family

-all seven fillmores under one roof for a few days

-cookies

-gifts

-cleaning

-eating

-movies

there is a lot of snow this year

but its going to be almost fifty tomorrow [today]...!?

walking up to the corner for coffee & lunch...has become one of my new favorite activities

i am d e t e r m i n e d to get healthy [for real] in oh-nine.

*not just physically, but also spiritually...

-having diabetes i should automatically want to be and force myself to be healthy, but i have a case of procrastination and laziness more often times than not.

-i need to [get more sleep]

-run more often

-eat healthier

-i need to have more dates with my Jesus

-get to know Him more.

*i can do ALL things thru Christ who strengthens me.

sisterly L O V E .

i am very thankful for t w o sisters.

-although we are not exactly "best friends" [all three of us], i do enjoy the time i spend with both of them at the same time. especially when we attempt to ditch extended-family gatherings, and brittany tries to teach c & i how to knit...

- i admire how bold and brave my older sister is. she seems to not be afraid of anything & is always looking for something new and exciting to take on. she is so creative and loves to help people.

-and then theres courtney. we might have pretty similar dna, but we are pretty different. i wish i was as artistic as courtney. although i try to play piano or guitar, draw or write, courtney seems to have this eye for artistic things. i love that. her & i also just really have this bond, that i really dont think i could ever share with anyone else...perhaps a future husband, but we'll have to wait & see..

-i do take both of them for granted a lot... and treat them poorly a lot, but i have been working on showing them more genuine love lately....

*the following could & should be its own topic, but its on my mind [at three-ish a.m.]....!?

O T H E R M Y S T E R I E S .

to be completely honest...

-i am that girl, who has dreamed of getting married and having a wedding, since--well since i can remember. i dont typically talk about this dream of mine unless im with brittany joy or courtney, but i really cannot wait.

-but wedding plans aside, since seventh grade when my english teacher [at a christian school of course] talked to us about praying for our future spouses, i pretty much have done since then.

-typically when i am talking to God i pray something like this: "dear God, i dont know who he is, where he is, or what he is doing right now...." and then go on, but then i bite my tongue and pray about my future with or without a husband. and ask God to help me to be content with His plans for me--married or not.

-saying that God does bless me with a man that loves God more than he love me, that i'd call my husband...then i can't wait to plan a wedding, wear a fancy dress, & be a princess for a day, and then actually be married to my best friend & spend the rest of our lives together for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from that day forward until death do us part.

-i talk to my mom a lot about this subject. [joking-ly] courtney & i ask my mom if she is concerned that none of her twenty-one & nineteen year old daughters have ever had a boyfriend or even been asked out on a date before. then my lisa [i call my mom by her first name. i have for a while now, i dont really now since when. but she knows i respect her & its kind of a running joke between her & i...'lisa' says it's a "term of endearment":)] replys: "no, i am not concerned, i think that i am blessed..." not her words exactly but, she so often reminds the three daughters that "he" is out there somewhere & God will bring "him" into our lives in His own timing. mmm. *truth.

-so often after conversations like these occur, i think about these things & realize how i am blessed that somehow [by the grace of God no doubt] that i have been raised to not long or desire to have to always have a boyfriend, or be aggressive & seek such attention from guys. i think that i am blessed because i haven't had to face heartbreak, disappointment, or temptation throughout my teen years thus far. i do wish, hope, & pray that if God brings that guy into my life, that he's the one, and that he's the only one.

-in a nutshell, i admire those who don't have to date +1 gentlemen, but "date" & marry one.

-i really do feel blessed that i have never dated or been in a "serious" relationship. being friends with guys is good for me.

-i really do enjoy praying & wondering about a future husband that really does love his Jesus more than me.

-also, i do love wisdom from my lisa.

*i hope everyone had a delightful christmas & didn't just think about opening gifts or eating cookies, but remembered that the only reason we even have christmas is because a Savior was born to die for us & save us from a life of sin & apart from Him.

ABBA FATHER,

thank You for sending Your Son to this earth

to be born, life, & die as a man for me.

thank You for family.

thank You for siblings.

help me to show them real love more often.

thank You for a mom who loves You

& relays wisdom about You & Your plan for me, to me.

thank You for taking me back always.

even when so often times i get away from You.

thank You for random things on my mind, at four in the morning....

deep breath.

now i am ready to close my eyes.

PS:

i suggest you get your hands on a copy of "Advent Songs" by Soujourn. it is a beautiful set of christmas songs. i will definitely find myself listening to it, long after christmas time....

*i can hear birds outside, i should go to bed now....

i graduated on sunday

i went to sleep at 5am woke up at 4pm

[my sleeping pattern is never going to be the same]

i worked at plum for once finally

i saw death cab at the fox

[i loved them before, but love even more now]

spectacular

rogue wave was also there, they arent bad

the wings won the stanley cup

[while we were downtown by hokeytown!]

im in love with viva la vida & violet hill

downtown royal oak is fun when its warm outside

[while i was over there the other night they were tapping a lifetime movie!?]

being out of school is still the best feeling

i need a bike

gas is tooo expensive

i like watching old home movies with my sisters

my sisters & i are still in love with brendan leonard

if you dont know who that is look him up online

i want to see hillsong united in chicago in august

it boggles my mind that they play good music videos at 3am when no one is watching them except for us

i really do enjoy running

i love summer clothes

jewelry is more expensive at claries than at for love by 21...?

i still want to move to nashville

i need to start playing my guitar more...