totally obsessed..

It's almost a new year!? Where did this year go.. seriously. Twenty-ten.. will go down in history as quite an eventful one in the book of Lindsay. SO many adventures, blessings, & overwhelming-ness {that's a word now}. I wish I could put into words how great my God is & how much He's done & is doing in my life through such an eventful year.

I'm speechless, but SO thankful.

{I haven't read this book, but I came across this quote from "Crazy Love", I think I need to add it to my list of books to read..}

"God has given you this good stuff so that you can show the world a person who enjoys blessings, but who is still totally obsessed with God." --francis chan

overwhelmed..

For our third-annual Christmas get-together with my girls {babes, sisters...}, we got all dolled up & had a huge, delicious dinner together.

I love dressing up, I love dresses, I love wearing heels, I love putting make-up on, I love curling my hair, I love it. So its always exciting to get all dolled-up for dinner with some of my favorite girls. In years past we've gone out to eat all dressed up, but this year it was kind of sweet just dressing up to go over to Angela's.

After we ate & took pictures {of course}, we put our "cozy clothes" on, ate dessert, & started what turned into an almost four hour period of time of just sharing what God has been doing in our lives since the last time we all met {in this setting, last spring}

It was one of the best experiences I've ever had & will always remember. One by one, we all talked about God, our families, school, work, guys, friends, & everything else in-between, struggles, highs, lows, & weaknesses, but there was so much openness, honesty, & rawness. And there was a lot of tears & tissues, but also a lot of laughs. It was so great!!
Once more & more of us started talking about our lives over the past few months, we started to see a trend or thread throughout each of our stories/updates that all kind of related to each other. It was so encouraging!

It's also just sweet to think back over the last few years that this group of girls have been together. We've all grown & matured SO much, its awesome. It's awesome that we have each other to share about what Gods doing in our lives with!
There was one point when we gathered around Angela & prayed over her. It was so great, she has prayed over us & for us so many times, it was so sweet to be able to come around her & pray over her!

When I left {at 2:30am} I felt so filled, so overwhelmed, and just feeling overly blessed once again by God's greatness in my life.

How did I get so blessed with such a rich sisterhood that I know I'll have around me for years to come!? I wish every girl could experience times like these & have a group of sisters like mine...

It was definitely a sweet early Christmas gift..

simple.

Here's what I want you to do: find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. {Just be there...as simply and honestly as you can manage.} The focus will shift from you to God & you will begin to sense his grace.
{matthew six:six, the message}

{I wish the word(s) 'simply' or 'honestly' were in this picture...}

christmasy faves..

I love Christmas! I love autumn time, but I think I love Christmas more.. so here are just some of the things I love about the season!


1. Christmas cookies.. I think I like baking them more than eating them though, which is good right!?
2. Giving Christmas gifts, especially if it's something someone really wanted!
3. Advent Songs by Sojourn.
4. Santa. I still & always will get gifts from "Santa" on Christmas morning.
5. It's A Wonderful Life.
6. Christmas lights.
7. Peppermint Mocha's.
8. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
9. Being with the whole Fillmore clan.
10. Snowmen.

+ I love that the last two Christmas' I've had a get-together with all these lovelies...and the tradition continues net week!!

journals..

journal: (noun) a daily record of news and events of a personal nature; a diary.

I love them. I've been faithfully writing in a journal since I was in middle school(ish).. from time to time I dig them all out of this box I keep them in & read what ever I wrote on the day I'm reading it or the closest to it, always a good time..."Hmm what was Lindsay Fillmore doing on December 7th, 2004..."

It's embarrassing to read some of my really old journals because what I wrote & had to say when I was 12-15. A lot of it was quite insignificant & pointless, but always fun to read & try to remember what or why I was writing what I wrote..

Obviously over the years they've matured a little bit & have steered from what I did on a given day while I was in eighth grade to more of a place I can write out what is on my heart as a dialogue between God & I, that I don't talk about with even my closest friends.

My journals are kind of like a part of me, I typically always have it with me, & I get excited when I start a new one, but kind of sad when I end one! I've noticed lately that a lot of my journals reflect different seasons of my life, which I love, because it's kind of like a chapter book.
{I also like that I'm the only one who can read it.. how do I know this? Because I always have it with me!}

I write it more of a prayer journal, where it's mostly "God, this is what's going on in my life right now..." not just a "Dear Diary..." I like the exclusiveness of a conversation between just God & I, but since it's written down, I can always go back & read it!

It's been sweet to read the journals I've kept since high school, just seeing all God has done in my life, prayers He's answered, things He's taught me, & things He's showed me through highs, lows, pits, blessings, & every other season of my life I've experienced & written about.{on a side note, this week my two favorite songs this week are Rocketeer by Far East Movement + Strip Me by Natasha Bedingfeild.. I think God is telling me I need to run more because they both make me want to go running.}

hey December...

..so about this diet I've been on for the last month. It was so refreshing to not be consumed by things that don't matter or are distracting to me for a few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that the social networking scene is good for staying connected with people I don't see on a regular basis, so I have missed that, but really don't miss any of it otherwise.

It was all really what I needed coming out of such a pit! It hasn't been easy, but it's been so good. October was really yucky, November was really great, & now it's December already!?

Can I share two verses that were shared with me earlier in November after talking about all of this fasting, the pit that was October & just being all-around distracted for so long? Of course I can! So I used two different versions of the Bible to smash these two verses together:

{...casting down arguments & every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. [New King James]

...our {God}tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction & building lives of obedience into maturity. [The Message]}
{second corinthians ten:five & six}

the cliché thanksgiving blog..

I didn't want to do it, but it has to happen; the cliché thanksgiving blog..

First of all, it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving.. it definitely crept up on me, I don't know where November went + it's not as cold as Michigan typically is right now.

{side note: I feel like autumn is over right after Thanksgiving because the world is consumed by everything Christmas once it's over... even though it technically isn't winter until December 21st, so it makes me kind of sad that now I have to get ready for a long winter.}

Thanksgiving since I can remember in the Fillmore house {when we stay home} involves a lot of cooking, watching the parade, the whole clan under one roof, just spending time together, eating a lot, & the day typically ends with a lot of sweatshirts, pajamas, & being cozy while watching It's A Wonderful Life. It just makes me smile, happy, & feeling blessed.
So here are just some of the things I'm thankful for right now:my big family: mom & dad Fillmore, the sisters, & the brothers {my life would be so boring without them} + friends that I can talk about God with, what He's doing in our lives, & encourage each other + being a part of a church body that's alive & thriving to increase the Kingdom + second, third, fourth, hundredth chances.. how did I get so lucky & why has God blessed me so much?

{psalm one-hundred}

*I randomly saw Brandon Flowers last night {for FREE!} & can't stop listening to his song {Only the Young}, the video for it is pretty great.

still not wanting to grow up, still wanting to go to paris, + cute things from poppytalk...

So I have a whole slew of random blogs I like to keep up with, one of them being: {poppytalk}, it's loaded with a lot of cute things + inspires me to be more creative.
just some of the cuteness I've accumulated from poppytalk are these photos this woman sells on etsy that are my new favorites, they remind me of my photo class in high school, we did something like this where we developed some prints with text on top of our photos, so this one intriuged me + the quote is from peter pan!
"forget them, wendy. forget them all. come with me where you'll never, never, have to worry about grown up things again."
{if only it were that easy peter..}
...and I have a serious infatuation with the city of Paris + the Eiffel Tower {...and I plan going there someday}, so I fell in love with more picture from this woman's etsy shop.
...and just some more cute things I found on poppytalk was this cute & creative fireplace, just one reason I need to live in an 1800's style house someday with great crown molding around a fireplace.
...and my fave passage of the Bible {ecclesiastes three} was mentioned on Sunday at Lighthouse & made me re-read it again for the thousandth time & soak it up that there's a time & season for everything. truth. truth. truth.

...and it's kind of making me sad that all the fall leaves have fallen & have been raked up & the trees are naked, leaving the midwestern scenery very bland, gray, & depressing, until it's nighttime & you can see Christmas lights.

...also I think I'm jumping the gun a little but I'm keeping the National in my memory bank for my winter playlist, they just sound like winter time. I've had Slow Show on repeat today..and I wouldn't mind learning how to play England on the piano.

a heart diet..

I've been on a diet for the past two weeks. Not your typical diet to lose weight, I could stand to lose a few pounds here or there I'm sure, but I've maintained the same weight since I was a freshman in high school, so I think I'll be fine, for now, because it's not really what's important to me right now. I've been on & am still on more of a distraction-social-networking-cleansing-re-focusing-esque diet of my heart, head, & life in general.

All stemming from the month of October. It was really just yucky to put it lightly. It was just a really dark, low, not-very-Lindsay-ish, month. It was just an all around tear-filled, worthless-depressing-feeling, disappointing, few weeks of October. Honestly a few weeks of feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my whole life.

I'm pretty blessed to have grown up knowing what I'm truly worth. To my parents, to my family, to my God. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up in a good, no, great home. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up with not much tragedy, heartache, or real suffering. I can only smile looking at the life God's given me. It hasn't always been a walk in the park, but in perspective, as my wise mother always says: "If you're having {even the slightest form of} a bad day, remember someone else is having a worse one". I can have some REALLY terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days here or there, but they last like Alexander's, just a day {or so} & then everything is back to "normal".

...just some "bad days" that stick out in my mind in the life of Lindsay Fillmore:

• running out of gas.
• being late.
• days that of hating every-minute of watching toddlers.
• not being able to pay for big things: my rent {when I lived out of my parents house, they ever-so graciously let me sleep under their roof again for free}, my car insurance, my insulin.
• having high blood sugar, or just struggling with my diabetes in general.
• watching my sisters do awesome stuff & feeling useless because I just go to school & watch babies all day.
• not getting a job(s) that looked very promising.
• two deaths in our family within a week of each other a few years ago.

Some seem harmless & kind of bratty right? In the scheme of things I consider myself blessed again if some of those are the "bad days"I tend to have. I also would consider myself a pretty happy, out-going, positive person more-often-times-than-not, so these "bad days" were very foreign to me, especially when they became constant.

There were days that I'd just literally feel nothing. Like an empty-shell-of a person. I would want to be in my bed all day, not do anything, not talk to anyone, not eat, not go to class, not go to work, not go to church or lighthouse, drive home alone literally crying to God asking Him to pull me out of whatever *this* foreign pit was. I wanted to just sit in my bed, sleep, or cry for no reason, and sometimes I couldn't even cry. {I'm a girl, I'm an emotional girl, I cry. But it was not normal to be upset or want to curl up in a ball at any given time.}

In the midst of all that being the majority of my month, God was still doing something in my heart. I could still feel Him trying to say: "Lindsay, I'm meeting you here. I'm breaking your heart because YOU NEED ME. You can't do this by yourself. You're worth more than anything to Me. I have better things for you in the future, just wait a little longer, be patient. Here is my hand, just take it & get out of this low-pit! I'm the hope you're looking for, that you need."

But I was still being stubborn & letting the enemy fill my heart & mind with: "Lindsay, you're worthless. It's ok to be jealous, you deserved it instead. You're stuck & I'm not going to let you go. You're hurting heart, is just what I wanted. Just stay here in this low-pit with me."

A few days before November started I was still having a lot of these feelings but also having this hope moving inside of me, so I decided I needed to cut things out of my life, step back, strip my heart down, & clear the way to let God do some real healing.

I decided to go on a detox, diet, strip-down. Starting with anything social-network-related {I have cheated a time-or-two, but for the most part have really not been so consumed by it, and I like it}. Spending more time looking for, listening to, seeking, & waiting on God. Eating healthier {still not a real diet, just to be healthier of course}. Not wearing as much make-up as I typically do. Spending more time investing in people; friends, family, my small group girls. And a whole laundry list of other little things to just help myself throughout the month of November.

It's November 15th. I can't even believe this month is already half over. I can't even believe how much more of God I've been seeing. I can't even believe the joy + thanksgiving {appropriate word for November right?} I've been experiencing in the last few weeks.

It's good. It's really good, even though the enemy is still alive & well trying to whisper in my ear that I don't deserve to be out of the "pit", that I should still be down there with him. God is SO faithful I can't even handle it! He meets us where we are, He is renewing our hearts every hour at our highest or at our lowest. He breaks us down when we {I} start to think we {I} can do this life on our {my} own to remind us {me} we {I} NEED HIM EVERY HOUR.

One reason I think God put "my sisters" blog on my heart coming out of October was so I could re-read it over & over again to let it seep into me, just as much as I intended it to seep into every female I know or don't know.

...now go listen to "I Need Thee Every Hour" by Jars of Clay.

oh Jónsi...

I forgot to add this into my "insignificant blog post", then I realized it's not actually insignificant... well to me anyway!

I saw Jónsi last week. I'm not a hardcore "Yo-n-zee" fan, but I do enjoy his relaxing, creative, artistic, harmony creations along with his band Sigur Rós'. He's crazy, but brilliant at the same time.

{can I share that I spent an entire semester in a piano class during my senior year of high school teaching myself how to play a song from Sigur Rós called Hoppipolla. Watching YouTube video clips, using sheet music, figuring out how to stretch my fingers so far.. it's still one of the only songs I can play on the piano..}

Anyway, the whole evening was an event in itself {music aside}, but I have only ever heard good things about his shows & how they leave you blown away. So I had pretty high expectations.

It was more than I expected. It was unlike any musical experience I've ever had. I really do enjoy music a lot more when I hear it live. I appreciate it more, especially if it's done well.

I appreciate Jónsi more now. The creativity, was beyond me. The backdrops. The music. I've heard that it's like a spiritual experience, I can see that. There were times I wanted to just close my eyes & soak it all in, but I didn't want to miss what was going on.

It was seriously a beautiful portrayal of musical & artistic creativity. I suggest you see him live, if you'd like to experience music in a way you've never experienced before.

{photo credit: Phil Southern}

there is no significance..

+I almost didn't post this just because it holds no significance whatsoever, especially compared to the last blog I posted on here..BUT regardless can I vent for a second? I love Christmas, I love decorations, I love the hustle & bustle, I love the Christmas drinks from Starbucks, I love their red-holiday cups. Do me a favor if you work at Starbucks & don't put my Christmas drink in a regular cup. It's such a let down, the Peppermint Mocha just doesn't taste the same coming out of a regular cup..


+In other news, I started a new job. I needed to be with people. Not babies, toddlers, or kids. I love them, but I needed to find a job where I could have a conversation about something other than my favorite color or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, that doesn't involve; potty-training, sticky fingers, playing with Play-Doh, cranky four-year olds, or making grilled cheese. I had been looking for a new job since September & had several very-hopeful interviews & filled out applications for a whole variety of jobs, but none of them worked out.


+But within a week of applying to Banana Republic I had two interviews & was hired! I'm now an employee at a store I've never shopped at, am intimidated by, at a mall I despise, & at the last place I ever imagined I'd work at, but I'm excited about it. I haven't been employed by a company for the last three years & never for such a huge corporation, such as Gap Inc., so I have already learned a lot & have a lot more to learn, but it's good + I don't mind having to dress up for work, instead of just rolling out of bed, putting a hat on & a pair of jeans that I don't mind getting dirty, & I'm a fan of a 50% discount.

for all my sisters...

This... has taken a long time for me to write! It's hard to talk about some of these topics, but I tried to do it as carefully as I could because it all means a lot to me. It took a lot of tweaking & a lot of asking God for the right words to use. But low & behold here is a lot of words regarding a whole plethora of things I'm passionate about. It's long, so get ready.

I'm writing this specifically geared toward a potpourri of lovely high school girls in my life that are a part of Woodside Student Ministry, but it can relate to any female really no matter her age, including myself. So read this as if I was sitting across from you at Starbucks over a cup of coffee or hot chocolate....

If you & I were sitting down at a Starbucks, Caribou, Panera, your house, my house, at church, wherever, to chat about life, love, & other mysteries right now, I would as gently & as lovingly as I could scream this into your heart, because I love YOU. Do me a favor & read this slowly. Soak it up. Drink up some truth for a minute {or two} sister. {I'm screaming it all right into my own heart too..}

{YOU are beautiful no matter what.}
You my sweet friend, are a beauty. Your freckles, your eyes, your eye lashes, your mouth, your smile, your teeth; straight, crooked, with braces, with spaces, white or yellow.. are beautiful. Your eye brows; skinny, bushy, plucked, waxed, untouched... are beautiful. Your ears, your nose, your blemishes, your acne, everything on your face that your make-up hides.. is beautiful. Your height, your weight, your skin color, your toes, your fingers, your arms, your tummy, everything about YOU.. is beautiful. And are exactly how & where a very crafty Creator perfectly intended. Before time began God was sketching a picture of YOU & deciding where each freckle, birth mark, & mole would be on your body. Do not FOR ONE SECOND let ANYONE {your mom, sister, brother, dad, uncle, aunt, grandma, grandpa, friend, BEST friend, or the reflection in your mirror} tell you otherwise.

{YOU are worth more than YOU could ever imagine.}
Sister, do you know how much you're REALLY worth? Do you know that a King gave His WHOLE life for just YOU? Do you know that He saved YOU? Do you know YOU mean more than anything in the world to HIM? Did you know He chose YOU to be His? He wants YOU. Do you know YOU are desired by an all-knowing, all-loving, mysterious, wondrous God? Did you know YOU are written on HIS heart? Did you know YOU are worth more than any precious jewels, diamonds, or rubies to Him? Did you know He craves time with just YOU? Did you know He longs for YOU? Did you know HE wants what's best for YOU? Did you know He knows what YOUR heart needs? Did you know He is the author of YOUR story? This Man, is your Beloved & He is YOURS, YOU are His. If you let Him be. Even if you don't right now.. He'll be waiting patiently for YOU to come running into His arms. Even if you can't accept His love for YOU, you are STILL worth more than anyone or anything to HIM & that He'll always be there just for YOU. Sister, no man, husband, boyfriend, friend, anyone or anything.. can ever love you as much as He does.

{are YOU talking to God?}
Do you talk to our God? Like really, REALLY talk to Him? Do you talk to Him about the desires of your heart? Do you ask Him to do God-sized things in your life? Do you believe He can do God-sized things in your life? Do you get on your face before Him pleading for direction, guidance, or wisdom for your journey? Don't be scared, ashamed, embarrassed, or feeling unworthy when it comes to talking to God about the the biggest, craziest, or teeny-tiniest desires of your heart! He already knows ALL of them, and the desires of your heart ten years from now, and fifty years from now. He desires to hear all about it from YOU. Let Him know when you have a good, great, horrible, exciting, horrific, sad, or happy day. Let Him know when you're frustrated with Him, let go of your pride & let Him know you really don't have it all together & you NEED Him to hold your hand & guide YOU.

*{the future husband prayer.}
Story time, I remember sitting in my seventh grade English class (at a Christian school) with Mrs. Smith & her telling us about her & her husband. She told us that she had started praying for her husband when she was young, I guess it never really crossed my mind until she mentioned that, but I liked it & it caught my attention. Since then I've pretty much done the same. The prayer has changed a bit over the years but has stayed pretty constant: "God, I don't know who HE is, where HE is, or what HE's doing right now..." you get the gist of it right? I believe in a big God. I believe in a God who listens to His children when they call on Him. You talk, He listens, even if you're talking about someone you can only dream about right now. You can even use my prayer for Prince Charming if you want!

{hold high standards for YOURSELF}
As a twenty-one year old, college student, there are a whole lot of OTHER things I could be doing with my life right now that people my age, younger, or older are involved with. I could be a smoker, I could be an alcoholic, I could be sleeping with a different guy every weekend, I could be out all night making bad decisions & doing a lot of things I would regret later on. As a pretty sensitive person with an overly guilty conscience, I'm not anywhere near involved with any of that. I hold pretty high standards for myself & want to be a good example to YOU, to be someone YOU can look up to. I'M NOT PERFECT (by any stretch of the imagination), but I want to be there for YOU. I want to be here to encourage YOU. I want to be a voice in YOUR head to remind you that you DON'T have to do this or that to look "cool" or to "fit in", that it's OK to stand out & be different. As Christians we're supposed look different from the world, don't let the garbage of this world tempt YOU! Decide what you want people's view of you to look like. Do you want to be different? To look like a little Christ? I survived high school without going to homecoming, any house parties, prom, without drinking, doing drugs, or having sex, and I still had a very fun & pleasant high school experience that left me feeling blessed.

{If you're a female, YOU are captivating.}
The word captivate is a verb that simply means to hold the attraction of a noun (in this case, YOU as a woman, girl, lady, she, her, sister, daughter, all around female; are captivating to the male species.) You catch their attention, catch his attention the right way though. Be captivating by being who YOU are. Don't try to be someone or something you're not to catch his attention.. Sister you're captivating the way you are, being yourself. Don't be a chameleon. PLEASE, don't be. Don't change who you are to win the attention of a GUY! If that's the case.. then he is NOT worth your while. He should be interested in who YOU are, not who you pretend to be!

{survive high school/college without a boyfriend!?}
Crazy I know, but SISTER, I'm just going to say it, and you can argue with me about it if you want but dating in high school is a waste of time. *Any guy reading this can hear this too because it's the truth, I have two younger brothers, one in high school, guys in high school are not looking for a serious relationship, a wife, a soul-mate. You are not ready to get married or to be someone's wife. (dating in my book is for marriage, not a recreational sport, you & I can talk about this another time..) The chances of your high school relationship(s) lasting after graduation is slim to none. Have guy friends! Have fun with them! Hang out with them! Get to know them! Sister, graduate from high school, go to college, get a degree, travel, start a revolution, experience your late teen-twenties-days, AND if God brings a potential-God-fearing-handsome-man into your story in the midst of your college-travel-degree-getting-revolution-making-days, then let it be. I've done it, I'm doing it right now. I've survived. I am about as single as one can be, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been in a relationship, and guess what? I have friends that are my age or younger that are married, engaged, or in serious relationships, & I'm still confused, learning, & trying to understand the whole male-species as a twenty-one year old. That's all I can say about this..

{YOU deserve nothing less than better, than the best.}
When/if a guy wanders into your life, he should respect you for who YOU are & the standards YOU hold for yourself. He should be encouraging & building you up, not discouraging you or tearing you down (physically, verbally, or emotionally). He should be friends with your friends. You deserve a guy who loves the Lord & likes to talk about what God is doing in both of your lives. You deserve a guy who challenges you spiritually & encourages you in your walk with God. He should be knowledgeable of the Bible. He should have a band of brothers who challenge him. He should have another guy in his life that challenges him spiritually & keeps him accountable. You also deserve a man who prays for you & with you. That's just some of what you deserve in a man. Don't settle for anything less or anything convenient.

{THEY need US to help them.}
As girls we like to look nice, we like to feel attractive, we like positive attention right? As daughters of the King, it's our responsibility to help our BROTHERS. What we wear, how we look, the way we move, the way we act, the things we say, can all alter how a guy views us. We're responsible for helping guard their purity & helping them by not being a stumbling block in their lives. There is a way to look nice & feel attractive without putting a negative light on ourselves as women. It builds character & helps us feel good about ourselves when we know we're not causing one of our brothers to stumble. And on the contrary.. I have no tolerance for MEN of any age talking disrespectfully about any girl, whether I know her or not. So let's save all of ourselves some trouble & protect our brothers eyes & help them to not have to talk in a demeaning way to us because of our appearance or how we carry ourselves, carry yourself like the Princess you are.

{Be productive in the waiting for Prince Charming..}
As women we long to be pursued. Our heart desires that special attention from a male, we like that special attention. While we wait for him to come into our stories we can't be wishing our lives away, we can't be sitting back & wallowing in self-pity because Prince Charming hasn't come along yet! We need to be spending time with our God. We need to be hanging out with our SISTERS. We need to be growing & learning things along the way & experiencing the life God has given to us. It's OK to be the wedding-dreaming-baby-name-list-making-sappy-Matt-Wertz-love-song-listening girl.. like myself, as long as you are growing in your relationship with God. Let Him show YOU what He wants for your story. Where He wants you to be. All of our stories are different. All of us experience life in different ways, just let God continue orchestrating it while you wait ever-so patiently for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet. So when Prince Charming comes to sweep you off your feet, sweet sister of mine, your heart is so in tune with your FIRST LOVE's heart that He allows a new man in your life.. it will be a beautiful thing.


You made it. You read these words, do some soaking up, write some things down, process it however you chose fit, but I'd really like to hear from YOU sister. I don't give out my phone number very freely, but I have e-mail, facebook, & do enjoy sitting at coffee shops for chats.
{lefillmore@comcast.net --this goes to my phone or lindsayefillmore@gmail.com}

Intrigued..

{I love words. I love thesaurus'. I love the word intrigue: verb- arouse the curiosity or interest of; fascinate}

I'm intrigued by a lot of things, but one thing that has & probably will always intrigue me is, ballet. Ballerinas. Ballet slippers. Tutu's. Toe shoes. Pointe. Barres. Everything. I love it.

I really can't imagine myself as a ballerina right now just because I am the most inflexible person in the world & can not dance gracefully to save my life! I'm sure if I would have stayed in Miss Michelle's ballet class there could have been hope, but it's hard to imagine!


For a short (very short!) time in my childhood I took a ballet at Fifth Position Dance Center. Miss Michelle was my teacher, we danced across the room to old, classical, scratchy, music on vinyl, for our recital we wore bumble bee tutu's, my favorite two books growing up (maybe still are, don't tell anyone though) were/are "Nina, Nina Ballerina" & "Dance Tanya Dance", & one day if I have a daughter named Gloria Jean (or Norah Jones) of course, I want to enroll her in ballet class & live a ballerina life vicariously through her.


I don't know what it is about ballerinas or ballet in general that I love, but it simply intrigues me & makes me smile. It's graceful, elegant, & lovely. It was a highlight of my winter last year to see the Nutcracker with my Babes... someday I will go see more live ballet!


Even if I'm not a ballerina, I still like to watch them move gracefully across a stage, look at pictures of them, & imitate their elegance.

{check out the ballet project..}

I'm back...

I gave the tumlr. world a whirl... it has it's pros & cons, but I think I like blogger better. I will probably just post pictures & music on there, it's just easier to write on here..

pieces to the puzzle..

There is this quote I saw somewhere one time by VanGogh that says, “Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together”. That’s how my God works. I feel like a lot of things in our lives {big or small} do not occur because of impulse, but by a series of small things God does in our lives.

Looking back in my life, seasons I’ve gone through, valleys I’ve been in, people I’ve met, people who were a big part of my life & aren’t anymore, experiences I’ve had, little details that I can pin point, all leading to something great in my life that God has blessed me with.

Just recently I thought I had all my ducks in a row with a couple new job opportunities. My God was for sure making all these pieces fit together perfectly for me, or so I thought! Then the last piece didn’t fit.

It was definitely a let down & made me frustrated, but I’m still looking & waiting for that last piece {patiently}.. I know my God is faithful & will bring the last piece when the time is right… …It’s frustrating, but I’m learning to keep my eyes open for pieces to the puzzle that are shaping my life right now, that are from God {what I like to call “a-God-thing”}. Collecting the pieces & holding onto them, so I can look back & see each piece taking it’s place.

Sometimes the puzzle has a lot of pieces & takes a long time to start seeing the actual picture, but other times there are puzzles that only have a few pieces & we can see the picture quickly!

Our whole life we have been and will always be putting new puzzles together but no matter how long or short the puzzle takes to take form, it’s not hard to see God’s apparent hand in each piece..

alskdfj...

CAN I RAMBLE FOR A SECOND..OR TWO?

OF COURSE I CAN..SO HERE I GO.

IF YOU COULD ONLY UNDERSTAND THE AWE & MARVEL I HAVE BEEN IN OF MY GOD THE PAST FEW DAYS.

HONESTLY, MORE THAN ever. EVER. REALLY. HE IS JUST REVEALING SO MUCH TO ME & TEACHING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, IT’S LEAVING ME AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

{it’s not like I didn’t recognize His greatness, wonder, & mystery before, but it’s slapping me in the face these past few days!}

THE MONTH OF OCTOBER HAS BEEN KIND OF A ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS, TOO MANY BUILT UP EXPECTATIONS, GOOD, BAD, UGLY, UPS & DOWNS, BROKENNESS, HURT, HAPPINESS, JOY.. AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

AND WHEN USUALLY MY HEART JUST GOES THROUGH THE MOTIONS & IN A WAY “COPES” WITH {whatever IT is} IN A WAY, MY GOD IS SHOWING ME THAT THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

THINGS COME & GO, BROKENNESS IS REAL, HURT IS REAL, BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL. FAITHFUL. FAITHFUL.

SO HE IS FAITHFUL, I KNOW THIS, BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT I LIVE IN AN IMPERFECT WORLD. BROKENNESS, HURT, LET DOWNS, & EVERYTHING ELSE HAPPEN AS A RESULT. THIS WORLD WILL ALWAYS LET ME DOWN.

IT’S THROUGH & IN THESE SEASONS OR VALLEY’S THAT HE IS PULLING US {ME} CLOSER TO HIM. EVEN WHEN I FEEL HOPELESS, BROKEN, PAIN, OR DESPAIR, AND TRY TO COVER IT UP WITH FALSE HOPE, OR A FAKE SMILE, HE IS WORKING TO SHOW HIMSELF TO ME & SHOW ME HIS GLORY, HIS HOPE, & HOW MUCH I NEED HIM.

SHOWING ME HOW LITTLE I AM & HOW GREAT HE IS.

SHOWING ME HOW I CAN PLAN ALL I WANT BUT HE ALREADY HAS MY LIFE MAPPED OUT. RIGHT WHEN I HAVE “ALL MY DUCKS IN A ROW” HE COMES & REARRANGES THINGS.

I CAN HOPE IN THIS OR THAT, BUT ONLY HE REMAINS.

HE’S THE PROVIDER.

HE'S THE HEALER.

HE’S THE ONLY ONE/THING THAT CAN FILL MY EMPTINESS.

HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN RESTORE.

HE’S THE ONE I’M IN SERIOUS AWE OF.

FROM HIM & THROUGH HIM & TO HIM ARE ALL THINGS. TO HIM BE THE GLROY. FOREVER.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, CREATIVE, GRACIOUS, LOVING, MYSTERIOUS GOD HE IS.

LEAVES ME SPEECHLESS & IN WONDER & AMAZEMENT THAT I CAN’T WRAP MY MIND AROUND…

{who knows if any of this makes sense or if it’s just a bunch of words thrown together, but i don’t care, all I know is my God is moving & leaving me excited & wondering at His mystery.}

hope{s}...

Why does God let us get our hopes up then He doesn’t cater to whatever it is we had hoped for? Is He trying to makes us feel frustrated or hopeless?

{HE will never leave us or forsake us..}

Just because He doesn’t deliver {what it is we had hoped for} doesn’t mean He’s giving up or neglecting what we need. He’s God. He knows what is best for us. He’s preparing our lives according to the plans He already has written for us.

It’s just not His timing.
Not His plan.
He has a different direction to take us in.
He has something new for us to discover.
He wants me to rely on Him more.
He wants me to be content with the wait-and-see*.
He doesn’t want my hope in anything else but Him.
He wants to bring me closer to Him.
He wants to bring me to my knees.
It’s working. He’s working.
I like it.

{*side note: one of my favorite movie quotes (from Elizabethtown of course..) is “It was sort of a wait-and-see… then I waited & I saw” }

…philippians three:twelve-sixteen, the message.

chosen...

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons {daughters} through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”

{I co-lead a small group of tenth grade girls every Wednesday with my mommy & we’re going over Ephesians this semester. So before Lighthouse I was just reading over Ephesians & writing things down & pondering the chapter.

This is just a few of the verses from Ephesians 1.. you should go read the rest of it, because it was such a perfect reminder for me tonight that the God of the universe CHOSE me. He PICKED me. He WANTED me. Before time began God thought of choosing Lindsay Erin Fillmore to be one of His own.

The reminder of that kind of took my breath away while I was reading the rest of the chapter. Because everyone wants to picked. Everyone longs to be wanted. Everyone desires to be chosen.

And HE chose me. I was adopted into His family. I belong to HIM.

Thank you LORD.}

out with the old..

I have a new friend..

{picture: link to tumblr}

"there are questions, there's no doubt.."

I wish I could explain more about this feeling inside of me right now! I NEVER listen to the Christian radio station around here because it's more like talk radio with too many commercials, but I was just driving (in traffic of course) and I just scanned by & heard the tail end of this song that I remember from a few years back & was listening to the lyrics & how they perfectly describe the last few weeks of my life.

The way that God sends these little reminders to us to show He's with us & remind us He's ALWAYS in control of our stories what happens next & to remind us that He knows what He's doing...and we just have to trust in Him as our stories develop more.

So here in this season of my life where more than ever I feel like I have NO IDEA what tomorrow, next week, or next month will look like, He slaps me in the face with a song full of truth & comfort reminding me that He (the Author) knows full well & that's all that matters right now, I'm just along for the ride.

{So here are the lyrics to this song by Phil Joel:}

Disappointment cuts me like a knife
But I won't be afraid
Strange operations happen all around
The audience escapes unscathed
You are my fortress in the storm
I will cling to You
Like a sailor lost in the wind
It's all about turns
Turn about face
It's all about knowing
More of Your grace
I know now
You are my sure thing

You know my heart
You know my soul
You know my comings and goings
You know it all
And I adore You
There are questions
There's no doubt
I trust You
And that matters now
I, oh, I adore You

To the prisoner inside
This mind of mine
You know
I only know so much
Still You and You
Alone have shown
The lighthouse glow
That leads me home again
'Cause You are my sure thing
I will wait for You
Every moment of this life
Journey closer to be refined
I will trust in You
Far beyond this line of sight
Journey closer to be my guide.

love you now...

I've had a mad girl crush on Madi Diaz for a while, but after I saw her at the end of August, I fell more in love with her & wish I could play guitar, sing, & write music like her.. her song Let's Go is on my fall play list so I've been listening to her a lot the last few days, love love love.

enjoy a little Madi..

autumn tunes..

Happy first day of fall, harvest, autumn friends... this is a very fall-esque play list for your ears to enjoy, or at least for my ears to enjoy for the next few months of crisp weather, earth tones, apples, pumpkin spice latte's, & falling leaves...

{these songs aren't necessarily "new" songs, but definitely worthy of being listened to on a crisp-fall day while sipping a pumpkin spice latte on your way to the apple orchard..and I started with just ten songs, then added a few more & had an OCD moment & couldn't leave the list at 13 or 17.. so 20 it is.}

1. On My Way Back Home, Band of Horses
2. Lay Down In Your Fields, Griffin House
3. I Have Nothing, Noah & the Whale
4. Wide Eyes, Local Natives
5. Don't I Hold You, Wheat
6. Electrocution & Laughter, Jeremy Lister
7. Young Friend, Brooke Waggoner
8. Comin' Home, CIty & Colour
9. Last Time, Paper Route
10. Your Side Now, Trent Dabbs
11. Deciphering Me, Brooke Fraser
12. The World at Large, Modest Mouse
13. Elements, A Fine Frenzy
14. Let's Go, Madi Diaz
15. Your Ghost, Greg Laswell
16. Decisions, How to Dress Well
17. Your Protector, Fleet Foxes
18. Blood Bank, Bon Iver
19. Reach, Andrew Belle
20. Go Do, Jónsi
*enjoy..

{artwork: Samantha Rose}

right this second..

right this second...

I should be reading or studying.

I'm listening to On My Way Back Home by Band of Horses.

I'm contemplating putting socks on because my feet are freezing.

I'm smiling because of how great God is & how much He's been teaching me in the past week.

I'm thinking about these "five words" that a friend of mine asked my sister & I to describe the two weeks since we had seen him last & we came up with: busy, work, school, ministry, excited. I think those nailed it for the last two weeks of my life.

I could lay in my bed & sleep until noon tomorrow.

I'm thinking of colossians three:twelve-seventeen.

I just remembered that BoH is going to be in Detroit in October & I should really go see them.

I'm anxiously waiting for the last two pages of my journal to fill up so I can start this new one I got last week.

autumn fallin' from trees...

look what I found today... love love love.

{photo credit: the twin}

step by step..

IN HER HEART

A WOMAN PLANS
HER COURSE,
BUT THE LORD
DETERMINES
HER STEPS.
{proverbs sixteen:nine}

...two years of wanting to teach kindergarten to cute five year olds, I'm not feelin' it anymore, psychology is calling my name. Right when I "thought" I had everything all planned with finishing school to teach, God reminds me it's not up to me & I just have to plan as best I can with where He has me & He'll take care of the rest, even if that means changing majors half way through.

playing grown up...

Recently I remembered the slogan for Toys R Us that says: "I don't want to grow up, I want to be a Toys R Us kid!"

This week more than ever, time & time again I've had that feeling. I don't want to grow up. A few weeks ago I turned 21 & when I was younger 20+ sounded SO old! I don't feel that old, even though I have some "grown up" responsibilities that I have to deal with in this season of my life, I'm still young.

Sometimes I try to pretend to be a girl version of Peter Pan & that my bank account will just put money in on its own, my diabetic related stuff would deal with themselves, my car would fix itself, or my college credits would turn into a degree with recess & snack time... then I open my eyes & that's not the case! Being somewhat "grown up" means I need a job to support myself, I need to take care of my medical stuff, I need to go to school to get a degree, to get a better job...etc.
So now I'm just finishing one of my favorite Disney movies: Beauty & the Beast. And it's reminding me of rainy afternoons with my sisters in the family room of our childhood home, with thick, dark, blue carpet, watching Beauty & the Beast, & eating granola bars. Those were the days. I have very fond childhood memories & remember wanting to "be a grown up", so here I am starting my adult life & longing for my childhood: the easy, play dates, stress free, pretend, playhouse days.
BUT on the contrary there are days I feel like a "real adult" {whatever that really entails} when I have to take care of important things, pay my insurance bills, fill out paper work, get up early on my day off to cross things off my list, be responsible, whatever it is, is when I feel like I'm "playing grown-up", {check out Brooke's blog about playing grown up!!} because I'm not 100% independent. I live back at my parents house, I'm not married like my mom was when she was 21, I don't own a home, pay taxes, have to grocery shop (anymore..), I have it pretty easy {in the grand scheme of things, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like that!}, therefore I feel like I'm just pretending.
Someday, perhaps I'll feel like a true "grown up", until then I'll just finish watching Beauty & the Beast & sleep in tomorrow morning..

ouch..

"I can't stand your religious meetings.

I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
your pretentious slogans and goals.
I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,
your public relations and image making.
I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
When was the last time you sang to me?
Do you know what I want?
I want justice—oceans of it.
I want fairness—rivers of it.
That's what I want. That's all I want."

...amos five:twentyone-twentyfour
{the message}

craving some fall...

Fall, is my favorite season, I love spring, summer, & winter (sometimes) but fall, is my all time fave. I think the mid-west does fall best & I think growing up with Michigan falls {cider mills, apple orchards, pumpkin patches, pretty leaves..} is why I like it. Although fall technically isn't until September 22nd, I feel like it starts once Labor Day comes around & school starts. I already started school & it's Labor Day weekend, so bring on fall!

{I love my summer, warm weather, (some) time off, being tan, going to the beach, sun dresses, but I'm ready for the cooler weather.}

Today was the almost perfect Saturday. I slept in a little, I bummed around Arts, Beats, & Eats with my sisters for a while, had my first pumpkin spice latte from the bucks, I wore my favorite sweater & wasn't too hot, I played my guitar for a little while to some Band of Horses songs {good fall music if you're looking for something to get into fall mode.} (which are pretty easy to strum & sing to, which makes me happy!), went on a bike ride date with my youngest brother to get ice cream, bought a new dress & tunic from Lost & Found which can be worn during fall with boots, & gathered some of my favorite things about fall...

1.) apple orchards
{my family for every year since I can remember has gone to Erwin's Apple Orchard to pick apples & pumpkins.. always a good time, always a good memory.}
2.) crunchy leaves
{sometimes I go out of my way to step on crunchy leaves.. and although I have bad memories of having to help my dad rack our mammoth backyard growing up, I still love crunchy leaves on the ground.}
3.) pumpkin spice latte's
{only enjoyable on a fall-esque day, nice & hot.}
4.) scarves
{thick knit scarves, or light weight lose fitting scarves, always my favorite.}
5.) earth tones
{I think I like earth tones all year round, but they are more fun during the fall to wear & fit in with the colors outside, I've been to a few fall weddings & think earth tones are ideal for weddings.}
6.) school supplies
{perhaps this is why I want to be a teacher...}
7.) boots
{not thick winter boots or rain boots, cute ankle-knee high boots, with a pair of skinny jeans or a dress.}
8.) cider mills
{doughnuts & hot cider.}
9.) franklin, tn
{fall time in the south is a little warmer & seems to go into at least December, but not just Franklin but the surrounding areas are pretty great to drive through when the leaves are changing colors.}
10.) bon fires
{a way to actually keep warm unlike bon fires during the summer..}

*happy {early} fall