Tuesday, March 31, 2009

*never let me go...

i have a tendency to try to go to bed "early" every once in a while... key word try.

so while i am sitting here still wide-eyed i have this crazy long worship playlist playing on random. the song never let me go by hillsong just came on... God definitely picked this one out just for me for right now.
In the shadows; My spirit weak
Love broke through the darkness and lifted me
And I know you'll never let me go
In the storm in the raging sea
Love conquered the fear and delivered me
And I know you'll never let me go

Oh love in the shadows
Be the light who leads me on
Your love I will follow
Be my guide, Your will be done
Oh Lord

In the arms of the One unseen
Love carried the cross that was meant for me
And I know you'll never let me go

Oh Lord I surrender, now forever I'll be loved
In the love of the Father, You are faithful You are strong
So hold me now

Nothing in this life has walked these streets
Love opened my eyes show me what You see
And I know I'll never let You go...

lately i have been feeling like my spirit has been weak & dry. i totally needed to hear that Love breaks through all of this darkness, weak spiritedness, & dryness all the time to remind me that He is always waiting for me to come back to Him and let Him fill me up...

my God is a jealous God and typically when i feel like my heart it dry, my spirit is weak, or i'm not where i want to be in walk with Him, then i haven't had all of my attention on Him.

my attention drifts away. my God falls down a spot on my list of priorities, i make myself too "busy" with things that don't matter. while He belongs at the number one spot on my list of priorities....whatever those priorities are.

the farther i let Him fall down my list, the weaker i get, the dryer my heart becomes, the more i forget how much i need Him. but when He becomes the top priority, the number one thing, then all other priorities no longer seem important. LOVE OPEN MY EYES, SHOW ME WHAT YOU SEE. I KNOW I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO. [and when i do let You go, break through and lift me back up to You...]

INDIA-C3-177m by P a r k e r Y o u n g.

although i am so undeserving...Love, the One unseen, my God, my Father, loves me, He holds me, He never lets go of me. in good times or in bad, when He is number one of my list or priorities, or when i have put Him as number two or number seventy-two, in the morning, in the afternoon, or in the middle of the night...

*now i feel like i can go to sleep.............

[photo credit: parker young.]

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

*music should make my ears feel good..

*the radio in my car isn't very reliable, i currently don't have an iPod, & the CD player only plays the everglow by mae or never take friendship personal by anberlin [those are good, but they get old pretty fast] so i tend to find myself listening to a fuzzy channel & turn it up loud enough to make out what the song actually is.

so that is all really besides the point, but i heard a song on a certain "only new rock alternative" channel [which is not necessarily the most classy channel on the radio, but they do play some good songs on there every so often...] a while ago. i listened to the whole thing because i had never heard it before and it caught my attention anyway i was very disturbed by the lyrics in it and then i had forgotten about it and i heard it again the other day driving. to be completely honest lyrics to a song don't really bother me that much, within reason, but these lyrics were horrifying. who would write lyrics like that..!? honestly.

so i don't even want to put the lyrics or actual song on here because i don't want to ruin anyone else's idea of a song. but the song is just completely degrading and inappropriate from a guys perceptive about a girl. and i think that the part that pushed me over the edge the most was the ending when they sing "i hope i never have a daughter...". [by this part of the song i almost started crying] pretty much because all of this inappropriate-ness that the "daughter" being talked about in the song is nothing that her dad thinks she really is, and this guy thinks that if he had a daughter one day that she would do the same things.

it kills me that clearly some low-life would write this song and make money from it. i know that there a million and one other songs out there that are probably even more degrading and inappropriate about girls, but that is so NOT something i want to be listening to. i want to listen to a guy sing nice and loving things towards girls and say he'd love to have a daughter someday...like john mayer.

so earlier i was cleaning out my iTunes library and finding new music for myself to enjoy and on noise trade you can get a katie herzig sampler...its pretty good.

- - - - - - -

also i hadn't listened to them in a while, but paper route has a new album coming out in about a month so finally i can get the song carousel...i'm excited.

[jeremy cowart is pretty good.]

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

*spring has sprung...

*obviously everyday i should be in awe of this canvas that i step foot on everyday created by the ultimate Artist, but i am more in awe of it when it starts to get warm outside.

the trees start to show us their leaves or flowers

flowers start to pop up all around

rain falls to help them grow

the sun sprinkles warm air on us

animals (and people in this case) start to come out of their caves of hibernation. being cooped up for a season of hiding from the cold and venture into this new season we call spring.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


this is my idea of an almost perfect morning...

i don't have class today, so i did get to sleep in a little longer than usual.

courtney & i are 'house/dog sitting' at a family friends house this week, and she had class this morning. so i have had a house all to myself (plus the dog!).

i just spent a while reading Gods word, talking to Him, praising Him for all He has been doing in my life, and thanking Him for the amazing girls in my small group at WSM.

it is cold outside, but the sun is shinning!

i just finished eating some breakfast & drinking some coffee. while checking facebook and some worship music playing.

i do not have any responsibilities until 1:30 this afternoon, when i have guitar lessons, and then i am going to meet some girlfriends to hang out.

*I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful...
[phil wickham]

[psalm 118:24]

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

*[insert creative title here]...

*this is really something i don't talk about frequently, but i thought i would write about it to get it out. deep breath. ready. go.

eleven years ago [on march 10th, 1998, to be exact] an eight year old girl, left school early to go with her mom and her dad to what she thought would be a regular check up at the doctors office. her mom had noticed that her eight year old had lost a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time and that she was thirsty very often, and would always be sleepy....

after that check up she spent the next week on royal oak william beaumont hospital's children's floor with her mom learning anything and everything they could about this disease called type 1 diabetes. [Results from the body's failure to produce insulin, the hormone that "unlocks" the cells of the body, allowing glucose to enter and fuel them. It is estimated that 5-10% of Americans who are diagnosed with diabetes have type 1 diabetes. *American Diabetes Association]...........oh that girl was me. lindsay fillmore, living the diabetic life since '98. i rocked the sugarlessqt89 & dietcokequeen89 screen name on AIM for a while.

anyway...from then on out poking my finger several times a day with a lancet to check my blood sugar, counting how many carbohydrates i ate, taking a shot several times a day of insulin in my leg, always carrying a bag/purse with me so i wouldn't have to just hold my monitor and syringes freely, and recognizing high and low blood sugar all became fairly normal to me. this whole "diabetes" thing for a long time was just "yeah i can't have a lot of sugar, and if i do i just take a shot to cover it".

because i was so young when i was diagnosed with it, i don't really remember life without it. i have vivid memories of being very self conscious about having diabetes. especially from later on in elementary school into middle school and even into high school a some points. i never knew what people would think, how they would react or respond, and i knew more often times than not people around really couldn't relate to me in this area. [*side note, except for the first day of 8th grade, coming from my small private school into a huge public middle school, i met a girl with diabetes!]

for a long time my mom or dad would pretty much manage my diabetes for me. they would tell me when to check my blood sugar, draw up my insulin, count how many carbs i was eating, my dad even gave me my shot for a few years. when i started to venture out and do things on my own was really when i let this self consciousness get to me and i wouldn't take care of myself. i have had my share of low blood sugars down to the 30s and high blood sugars up into the 600s. [average/where blood sugar should be for a diabetic & where it would be for someone without diabetes is 75-170]. low sugars have landed me in the emergency room or in the back of an ambulance. and high sugars have also landed me in the emergency room as well and just sick to my stomach, throwing up, and dehydrated.

a lot of people don't even know i have diabetes. obviously my family and close friends do, but it is definitely not the first thing i say to someone when i meet them. "hey, i'm lindsay, my body doesn't produce enough insulin to cover how much sugar i intake, so i take a shot anytime i eat."

i don't ever really talk about it with anyone...and if i do, i sugar coat [no pun intended] how well i take care of myself. from the outside it looks like i am a regular nineteen year old girl who loves God, music, and for whatever reason is in love with nashville, and has a love/hate relationship with running...and that is what i should be, that is part of who i am. but on the inside i have become lazy, mostly over the past year. my diabetes has never been a prime example to other diabetics, but i have never let it get this bad. i have found ways around taking care of myself. i have done just enough not to land myself in the hospital for kidney or vision problems, or a long list of other side affects diabetes can take on me if i don't take care of it.

after what seems like a million and one trips to see my en-chronologist, nurse practitioner, or dietitian, i am now at the point where if i went to see them now, i wouldn't know what to do. i am not healthy. i don't take care of my diabetes the way i should and it scares me. when i was younger my dad would tell/somewhat make me go running with him just to bring my sugar down so i wouldn't end up with kidney problems ten years down the road. well that ten years is slowly catching up to me. the longer i am lazy with taking care of myself and monitoring my diabetes the more likely i am closer to not being able to have my own kids, going blind at a young age, having major kidney problems, and trouble with my feet and hands.

on sunday at woodside a guy named nick spoke during the service. he doesn't have arms or legs. he is traveling the world telling people who look at him funny and confused that he feels blessed to be in the state he is in. i can say that, i might be blessed to have arms and legs but i also do feel blessed to have type 1 diabetes. i could have been diagnosed with cancer eleven years ago. i could have been diagnosed with a million other things when i was eight that are not treatable. diabetes might not have a cure [yet], but when taken care of, you can live with it, you can live your life just the way anyone else would. its a pain in the butt to watch what i eat [because i do love food], it is a pain to have to check my blood sugar and wonder if the number in five seconds will be low, high, or just right, it is a pain to take a shot in my stomach several times a day, and although i might be "used to" taking a shot, i can still feel it, it still hurts sometimes, it leaves marks sometimes. it is a pain to have high blood sugar, especially because it puts me in a really bad mood and i tend to take it out on my family. and it is a pain to have to travel with lantus, humolog, a monitor, glucose tablets, lancets, syringes and the list goes on,,,,but i am blessed to have it. i am blessed to have a dad that loves me so much that he would want me to go running with him just so my blood sugar stays low. i am blessed to have a twin that is concerned for my health. i am blessed to have everything at my fingertips to manage and control this disease. but i have taken advantage of my blessing. i have been to lax with the fact that i can take a shot for eating a whole bunch of crap that i know is poison to my body, i have become lax with the fact that i can increase the amount of insulin to cover it.

a couple of weeks ago a guy from the youth group at my church was diagnosed with diabetes and he came on our winter camp retreat. my mom advised i go introduce myself and just let him know i was there if he needed anything or had any questions. and i was embarrassed and ashamed that he would have to come to me if he had a question because i have had it for so many years and i should be learning from him and asking him questions. one of the nights he shared with a smaller group of us about it and as much as i wanted to run up there and give him a hug because i can actually relate to him on that level i was glued to seat crying, sobbing, praying, thinking, and wondering why in the world i don't take better care for myself and why i couldn't be a better example to him in the beginning of his new life with this thing called diabetes. God gave me diabetes for a reason. my mom has and probably always will remind me that God doesn't give us something we can't handle. He knows that i can handle this, that is why He chose lindsay to have diabetes. He knows that i have been neglecting this illness that isn't going away anytime soon.

since the new year has started i have been trying [keyword: trying] to grab the reigns of my health and stop being so lazy and unwilling to move forward and get healthy, rather than mope around in the fact that i consider myself "the worst example of a diabetic ever". since that night at our retreat, i have just been constantly reminded of the fact that i can't do it on my own and i can't think for a second that i, lindsay erin fillmore can control my diabetes, but that only God my Father who wants me to be healthy, wants me to live and move and breath for Him, and use me to help someone else along the road, can help me control my disease. only He can rid me of my laziness and give me the strength and power to live as long as He has me here with type 1 diabetes.

don't feel bad for me, just pray with me.

Monday, March 9, 2009

*across the border, taste of summer, rain, & everything in between...

across the border: "let's go to canada, let's leave today..."
last week was my "spring break" although the weather seems rather far from "spring".  for a few days courtney, emily, & i went over to canada to rest, relax, & not have any plans.  it was just that.  and i loved it.  it was honestly what i needed to catch my breath. we stayed at 
em's grandmas house. she is an amazing lady. i think every grandma should be like her. she has gone thru a lot in the past month or so and still rejoices in how good, great, & gracious our God is.

taste of summer: "and we frolicked about in our summer skin..."
this past friday i hear
d it reached at least 71° in some areas around town.  it was so great to be able to go outside with no jacket, coat, sweater, sweatshirt. in my exci
tement for the warm weather i wore flip flops to my brothers swim meet...*dear summer weather, please come soon. thanks, lindsay.

rain: "You give me peace to be still, in the middle of the storm..."
it has been hazy, gray, gloomy, foggy, and rainy for a few days now...i tend to enjoy a good thunder storm, heavy downpour, or light drizzle, but not when i have to be out in it running all over creation to get some things done. although i would rather be wrapped in a blanket, in the corner of the couch, taking a nap, reading, or watching a good movie, while i have been driving in these downpours these lyrics from christa black are stuck in my head.  even if our life is like a storm, rainy, windy, or hazy, God still can bring us a peace that we cannot explain and we can find comfort in Him in the middle of the chaos. 

everything in between: "from the east to the west any height any depth, thats where it goes..."
over the next week i will spend most of  my time in a car.  currently i am dog/house sitting for some family friends that live roughly fifteen miles south west of my house, i go to school about eight miles north west of my house, and spend a lot of time near my church which is about fifteen miles north west of my house.... and somewhere in between all that i do have to take care of a dog, and i am not even a dog person to be completely honest. go to school, study, and do homework. and do a million other things.  its hectic. its exhausting. and by the end of this week i am going to hate driving....

*five iron frenzy, death cab for cutie, matt wertz, christa black, & seven places.