Tuesday, November 30, 2010

hey December...

..so about this diet I've been on for the last month. It was so refreshing to not be consumed by things that don't matter or are distracting to me for a few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that the social networking scene is good for staying connected with people I don't see on a regular basis, so I have missed that, but really don't miss any of it otherwise.

It was all really what I needed coming out of such a pit! It hasn't been easy, but it's been so good.
October was really yucky, November was really great, & now it's December already!?

Can I share two verses that were shared with me earlier in November after talking about all of this fasting,
the pit that was October & just being all-around distracted for so long? Of course I can! So I used two different versions of the Bible to smash these two verses together:

{...casting down arguments & every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. [New King James]

...our {God}tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction & building lives of obedience into maturity.
[The Message]}
{second corinthians ten:five & six}

Thursday, November 25, 2010

the cliché thanksgiving blog..

I didn't want to do it, but it has to happen; the cliché thanksgiving blog..

First of all, it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving.. it definitely crept up on me, I don't know where November went + it's not as cold as Michigan typically is right now.

{side note: I feel like autumn is over right after Thanksgiving because the world is consumed by everything Christmas once it's over... even though it technically isn't winter until December 21st, so it makes me kind of sad that now I have to get ready for a long winter.}

Thanksgiving since I can remember in the Fillmore house {when we stay home} involves a lot of cooking, watching the parade, the whole clan under one roof, just spending time together, eating a lot, & the day typically ends with a lot of sweatshirts, pajamas, & being cozy while watching It's A Wonderful Life. It just makes me smile, happy, & feeling blessed.
So here are just some of the things I'm thankful for right now:my big family: mom & dad Fillmore, the sisters, & the brothers {my life would be so boring without them} + friends that I can talk about God with, what He's doing in our lives, & encourage each other + being a part of a church body that's alive & thriving to increase the Kingdom + second, third, fourth, hundredth chances.. how did I get so lucky & why has God blessed me so much?

{psalm one-hundred}

*I randomly saw Brandon Flowers last night {for FREE!} & can't stop listening to his song {Only the Young}, the video for it is pretty great.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

still not wanting to grow up, still wanting to go to paris, + cute things from poppytalk...

So I have a whole slew of random blogs I like to keep up with, one of them being: {poppytalk}, it's loaded with a lot of cute things + inspires me to be more creative.
just some of the cuteness I've accumulated from poppytalk are these photos this woman sells on etsy that are my new favorites, they remind me of my photo class in high school, we did something like this where we developed some prints with text on top of our photos, so this one intriuged me + the quote is from peter pan!
"forget them, wendy. forget them all. come with me where you'll never, never, have to worry about grown up things again."
{if only it were that easy peter..}
...and I have a serious infatuation with the city of Paris + the Eiffel Tower {...and I plan going there someday}, so I fell in love with more picture from this woman's etsy shop.
...and just some more cute things I found on poppytalk was this cute & creative fireplace, just one reason I need to live in an 1800's style house someday with great crown molding around a fireplace.
...and my fave passage of the Bible {ecclesiastes three} was mentioned on Sunday at Lighthouse & made me re-read it again for the thousandth time & soak it up that there's a time & season for everything. truth. truth. truth.

...and it's kind of making me sad that all the fall leaves have fallen & have been raked up & the trees are naked, leaving the midwestern scenery very bland, gray, & depressing, until it's nighttime & you can see Christmas lights.

...also I think I'm jumping the gun a little but I'm keeping the National in my memory bank for my winter playlist, they just sound like winter time. I've had Slow Show on repeat today..a
nd I wouldn't mind learning how to play England on the piano.

Monday, November 15, 2010

a heart diet..

I've been on a diet for the past two weeks. Not your typical diet to lose weight, I could stand to lose a few pounds here or there I'm sure, but I've maintained the same weight since I was a freshman in high school, so I think I'll be fine, for now, because it's not really what's important to me right now. I've been on & am still on more of a distraction-social-networking-cleansing-re-focusing-esque diet of my heart, head, & life in general.

All stemming from the month of October. It was really just yucky to put it lightly. It was just a really dark, low, not-very-Lindsay-ish, month. It was just an all around tear-filled, worthless-depressing-feeling, disappointing, few weeks of October. Honestly a few weeks of feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my whole life.

I'm pretty blessed to have grown up knowing what I'm truly worth. To my parents, to my family, to my God. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up in a good, no, great home. I'm pretty blessed to have grown up with not much tragedy, heartache, or real suffering. I can only smile looking at the life God's given me. It hasn't always been a walk in the park, but in perspective, as my wise mother always says: "If you're having {even the slightest form of} a bad day, remember someone else is having a worse one". I can have some REALLY terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days here or there, but they last like Alexander's, just a day {or so} & then everything is back to "normal".

...just some "bad days" that stick out in my mind in the life of Lindsay Fillmore:
  • running out of gas.
  • being late.
  • days that of hating every-minute of watching toddlers.
  • not being able to pay for big things: my rent {when I lived out of my parents house, they ever-so graciously let me sleep under their roof again for free}, my car insurance, my insulin.
  • having high blood sugar, or just struggling with my diabetes in general.
  • watching my sisters do awesome stuff & feeling useless because I just go to school & watch babies all day.
  • not getting a job(s) that looked very promising.
  • two deaths in our family within a week of each other a few years ago.
Some seem harmless & kind of bratty right? In the scheme of things I consider myself blessed again if some of those are the "bad days"I tend to have. I also would consider myself a pretty happy, out-going, positive person more-often-times-than-not, so these "bad days" were very foreign to me, especially when they became constant.

There were days that I'd just literally feel nothing. Like an empty-shell-of a person. I would want to be in my bed all day, not do anything, not talk to anyone, not eat, not go to class, not go to work, not go to church or lighthouse, drive home alone literally crying to God asking Him to pull me out of whatever *this* foreign pit was. I wanted to just sit in my bed, sleep, or cry for no reason, and sometimes I couldn't even cry. {I'm a girl, I'm an emotional girl, I cry. But it was not normal to be upset or want to curl up in a ball at any given time.}

In the midst of all that being the majority of my month, God was still doing something in my heart. I could still feel Him trying to say: "Lindsay, I'm meeting you here. I'm breaking your heart because YOU NEED ME. You can't do this by yourself. You're worth more than anything to Me. I have better things for you in the future, just wait a little longer, be patient. Here is my hand, just take it & get out of this low-pit! I'm the hope you're looking for, that you need."

But I was still being stubborn & letting the enemy fill my heart & mind with: "Lindsay, you're worthless. It's ok to be jealous, you deserved it instead. You're stuck & I'm not going to let you go. You're hurting heart, is just what I wanted. Just stay here in this low-pit with me."

A few days before November started I was still having a lot of these feelings but also having this hope moving inside of me, so I decided I needed to cut things out of my life, step back, strip my heart down, & clear the way to let God do some real healing.

I decided to go on a detox, diet, strip-down. Starting with anything social-network-related {I have cheated a time-or-two, but for the most part have really not been so consumed by it, and I like it}. Spending more time looking for, listening to, seeking, & waiting on God. Eating healthier {still not a real diet, just to be healthier of course}. Not wearing as much make-up as I typically do. Spending more time investing in people; friends, family, my small group girls. And a whole laundry list of other little things to just help myself throughout the month of November.

It's November 15th. I can't even believe this month is already half over. I can't even believe how much more of God I've been seeing. I can't even believe the joy + thanksgiving {appropriate word for November right?} I've been experiencing in the last few weeks.

It's good. It's really good, even though the enemy is still alive & well trying to whisper in my ear that I don't deserve to be out of the "pit", that I should still be down there with him. God is SO faithful I can't even handle it! He meets us where we are, He is renewing our hearts every hour at our highest or at our lowest. He breaks us down when we {I} start to think we {I} can do this life on our {my} own to remind us {me} we {I} NEED HIM EVERY HOUR.

One reason I think God put "my sisters" blog on my heart coming out of October was so I could re-read it over & over again to let it seep into me, just as much as I intended it to seep into every female I know or don't know.

...now go listen to "I Need Thee Every Hour" by Jars of Clay.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

oh Jónsi...

I forgot to add this into my "insignificant blog post", then I realized it's not actually insignificant... well to me anyway!

I saw Jónsi last week. I'm not a hardcore "Yo-n-zee" fan, but I do enjoy his relaxing, creative, artistic, harmony creations along with his band Sigur Rós'. He's crazy, but brilliant at the same time.

{can I share that I spent an entire semester in a piano class during my senior year of high school teaching myself how to play a song from Sigur Rós called Hoppipolla. Watching YouTube video clips, using sheet music, figuring out how to stretch my fingers so far.. it's still one of the only songs I can play on the piano..}

Anyway, the whole evening was an event in itself {music aside}, but I have only ever heard good things about his shows & how they leave you blown away. So I had pretty high expectations.

It was more than I expected. It was unlike any musical experience I've ever had. I really do enjoy music a lot more when I hear it live. I appreciate it more, especially if it's done well.

I appreciate Jónsi more now. The creativity, was beyond me. The backdrops. The music. I've heard that it's like a spiritual experience, I can see that. There were times I wanted to just close my eyes & soak it all in, but I didn't want to miss what was going on.

It was seriously a beautiful portrayal of musical & artistic creativity. I suggest you see him live, if you'd like to experience music in a way you've never experienced before.

{photo credit: Phil Southern}

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

there is no significance..

+I almost didn't post this just because it holds no significance whatsoever, especially compared to the last blog I posted on here..BUT regardless can I vent for a second? I love Christmas, I love decorations, I love the hustle & bustle, I love the Christmas drinks from Starbucks, I love their red-holiday cups. Do me a favor if you work at Starbucks & don't put my Christmas drink in a regular cup. It's such a let down, the Peppermint Mocha just doesn't taste the same coming out of a regular cup..

+In other news, I started a new job. I needed to be with people. Not babies, toddlers, or kids. I love them, but I needed to find a job where I could have a conversation about something other than my favorite color or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, that doesn't involve; potty-training, sticky fingers, playing with Play-Doh, cranky four-year olds, or making grilled cheese. I had been looking for a new job since September & had several very-hopeful interviews & filled out applications for a whole variety of jobs, but none of them worked out.

+But within a week of applying to Banana Republic I had two interviews & was hired! I'm now an employee at a store I've never shopped at, am intimidated by, at a mall I despise, & at the last place I ever imagined I'd work at, but I'm excited about it. I haven't been employed by a company for the last three years & never for such a huge corporation, such as Gap Inc., so I have already learned a lot & have a lot more to learn, but it's good + I don't mind having to dress up for work, instead of just rolling out of bed, putting a hat on & a pair of jeans that I don't mind getting dirty, & I'm a fan of a 50% discount.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

for all my sisters...

This... has taken a long time for me to write! It's hard to talk about some of these topics, but I tried to do it as carefully as I could because it all means a lot to me. It took a lot of tweaking & a lot of asking God for the right words to use. But low & behold here is a lot of words regarding a whole plethora of things I'm passionate about. It's long, so get ready.

I'm writing this specifically geared toward a potpourri of lovely high school girls in my life that are a part of Woodside Student Ministry, but it can relate to any female really no matter her age, including myself. So read this as if I was sitting across from you at Starbucks over a cup of coffee or hot chocolate....

If you & I were sitting down at a Starbucks, Caribou, Panera, your house, my house, at church, wherever, to chat about life, love, & other mysteries right now, I would as gently & as lovingly as I could scream this into your heart, because I love YOU. Do me a favor & read this slowly. Soak it up. Drink up some truth for a minute {or two} sister. {I'm screaming it all right into my own heart too..}

{YOU are beautiful no matter what.}
You my sweet friend, are a beauty. Your freckles, your eyes, your eye lashes, your mouth, your smile, your teeth; straight, crooked, with braces, with spaces, white or yellow.. are beautiful. Your eye brows; skinny, bushy, plucked, waxed, untouched... are beautiful. Your ears, your nose, your blemishes, your acne, everything on your face that your make-up hides.. is beautiful. Your height, your weight, your skin color, your toes, your fingers, your arms, your tummy, everything about YOU.. is beautiful. And are exactly how & where a very crafty Creator perfectly intended. Before time began God was sketching a picture of YOU & deciding where each freckle, birth mark, & mole would be on your body. Do not FOR ONE SECOND let ANYONE {your mom, sister, brother, dad, uncle, aunt, grandma, grandpa, friend, BEST friend, or the reflection in your mirror} tell you otherwise.

{YOU are worth more than YOU could ever imagine.}
Sister, do you know how much you're REALLY worth? Do you know that a King gave His WHOLE life for just YOU? Do you know that He saved YOU? Do you know YOU mean more than anything in the world to HIM? Did you know He chose YOU to be His? He wants YOU. Do you know YOU are desired by an all-knowing, all-loving, mysterious, wondrous God? Did you know YOU are written on HIS heart? Did you know YOU are worth more than any precious jewels, diamonds, or rubies to Him? Did you know He craves time with just YOU? Did you know He longs for YOU? Did you know HE wants what's best for YOU? Did you know He knows what YOUR heart needs? Did you know He is the author of YOUR story? This Man, is your Beloved & He is YOURS, YOU are His. If you let Him be. Even if you don't right now.. He'll be waiting patiently for YOU to come running into His arms. Even if you can't accept His love for YOU, you are STILL worth more than anyone or anything to HIM & that He'll always be there just for YOU. Sister, no man, husband, boyfriend, friend, anyone or anything.. can ever love you as much as He does.

{are YOU talking to God?}
Do you talk to our God? Like really, REALLY talk to Him? Do you talk to Him about the desires of your heart? Do you ask Him to do God-sized things in your life? Do you believe He can do God-sized things in your life? Do you get on your face before Him pleading for direction, guidance, or wisdom for your journey? Don't be scared, ashamed, embarrassed, or feeling unworthy when it comes to talking to God about the the biggest, craziest, or teeny-tiniest desires of your heart! He already knows ALL of them, and the desires of your heart ten years from now, and fifty years from now. He desires to hear all about it from YOU. Let Him know when you have a good, great, horrible, exciting, horrific, sad, or happy day. Let Him know when you're frustrated with Him, let go of your pride & let Him know you really don't have it all together & you NEED Him to hold your hand & guide YOU.

*{the future husband prayer.}
Story time, I remember sitting in my seventh grade English class (at a Christian school) with Mrs. Smith & her telling us about her & her husband. She told us that she had started praying for her husband when she was young, I guess it never really crossed my mind until she mentioned that, but I liked it & it caught my attention. Since then I've pretty much done the same. The prayer has changed a bit over the years but has stayed pretty constant: "God, I don't know who HE is, where HE is, or what HE's doing right now..." you get the gist of it right? I believe in a big God. I believe in a God who listens to His children when they call on Him. You talk, He listens, even if you're talking about someone you can only dream about right now. You can even use my prayer for Prince Charming if you want!

{hold high standards for YOURSELF}
As a twenty-one year old, college student, there are a whole lot of OTHER things I could be doing with my life right now that people my age, younger, or older are involved with. I could be a smoker, I could be an alcoholic, I could be sleeping with a different guy every weekend, I could be out all night making bad decisions & doing a lot of things I would regret later on. As a pretty sensitive person with an overly guilty conscience, I'm not anywhere near involved with any of that. I hold pretty high standards for myself & want to be a good example to YOU, to be someone YOU can look up to. I'M NOT PERFECT (by any stretch of the imagination), but I want to be there for YOU. I want to be here to encourage YOU. I want to be a voice in YOUR head to remind you that you DON'T have to do this or that to look "cool" or to "fit in", that it's OK to stand out & be different. As Christians we're supposed look different from the world, don't let the garbage of this world tempt YOU! Decide what you want people's view of you to look like. Do you want to be different? To look like a little Christ? I survived high school without going to homecoming, any house parties, prom, without drinking, doing drugs, or having sex, and I still had a very fun & pleasant high school experience that left me feeling blessed.

{If you're a female, YOU are captivating.}
The word captivate is a verb that simply means to hold the attraction of a noun (in this case, YOU as a woman, girl, lady, she, her, sister, daughter, all around female; are captivating to the male species.) You catch their attention, catch his attention the right way though. Be captivating by being who YOU are. Don't try to be someone or something you're not to catch his attention.. Sister you're captivating the way you are, being yourself. Don't be a chameleon. PLEASE, don't be. Don't change who you are to win the attention of a GUY! If that's the case.. then he is NOT worth your while. He should be interested in who YOU are, not who you pretend to be!

{survive high school/college without a boyfriend!?}
Crazy I know, but SISTER, I'm just going to say it, and you can argue with me about it if you want but dating in high school is a waste of time. *Any guy reading this can hear this too because it's the truth, I have two younger brothers, one in high school, guys in high school are not looking for a serious relationship, a wife, a soul-mate. You are not ready to get married or to be someone's wife. (dating in my book is for marriage, not a recreational sport, you & I can talk about this another time..) The chances of your high school relationship(s) lasting after graduation is slim to none. Have guy friends! Have fun with them! Hang out with them! Get to know them! Sister, graduate from high school, go to college, get a degree, travel, start a revolution, experience your late teen-twenties-days, AND if God brings a potential-God-fearing-handsome-man into your story in the midst of your college-travel-degree-getting-revolution-making-days, then let it be. I've done it, I'm doing it right now. I've survived. I am about as single as one can be, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been in a relationship, and guess what? I have friends that are my age or younger that are married, engaged, or in serious relationships, & I'm still confused, learning, & trying to understand the whole male-species as a twenty-one year old. That's all I can say about this..

{YOU deserve nothing less than better, than the best.}
When/if a guy wanders into your life, he should respect you for who YOU are & the standards YOU hold for yourself. He should be encouraging & building you up, not discouraging you or tearing you down (physically, verbally, or emotionally). He should be friends with your friends. You deserve a guy who loves the Lord & likes to talk about what God is doing in both of your lives. You deserve a guy who challenges you spiritually & encourages you in your walk with God. He should be knowledgeable of the Bible. He should have a band of brothers who challenge him. He should have another guy in his life that challenges him spiritually & keeps him accountable. You also deserve a man who prays for you & with you. That's just some of what you deserve in a man. Don't settle for anything less or anything convenient.

{THEY need US to help them.}
As girls we like to look nice, we like to feel attractive, we like positive attention right? As daughters of the King, it's our responsibility to help our BROTHERS. What we wear, how we look, the way we move, the way we act, the things we say, can all alter how a guy views us. We're responsible for helping guard their purity & helping them by not being a stumbling block in their lives. There is a way to look nice & feel attractive without putting a negative light on ourselves as women. It builds character & helps us feel good about ourselves when we know we're not causing one of our brothers to stumble. And on the contrary.. I have no tolerance for MEN of any age talking disrespectfully about any girl, whether I know her or not. So let's save all of ourselves some trouble & protect our brothers eyes & help them to not have to talk in a demeaning way to us because of our appearance or how we carry ourselves, carry yourself like the Princess you are.

{Be productive in the waiting for Prince Charming..}
As women we long to be pursued. Our heart desires that special attention from a male, we like that special attention. While we wait for him to come into our stories we can't be wishing our lives away, we can't be sitting back & wallowing in self-pity because Prince Charming hasn't come along yet! We need to be spending time with our God. We need to be hanging out with our SISTERS. We need to be growing & learning things along the way & experiencing the life God has given to us. It's OK to be the wedding-dreaming-baby-name-list-making-sappy-Matt-Wertz-love-song-listening girl.. like myself, as long as you are growing in your relationship with God. Let Him show YOU what He wants for your story. Where He wants you to be. All of our stories are different. All of us experience life in different ways, just let God continue orchestrating it while you wait ever-so patiently for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet. So when Prince Charming comes to sweep you off your feet, sweet sister of mine, your heart is so in tune with your FIRST LOVE's heart that He allows a new man in your life.. it will be a beautiful thing.

You made it. You read these words, do some soaking up, write some things down, process it however you chose fit, but I'd really like to hear from YOU sister. I don't give out my phone number very freely, but I have e-mail, facebook, & do enjoy sitting at coffee shops for chats.

{lefillmore@comcast.net --this goes to my phone or lindsayefillmore@gmail.com}