Sunday, April 26, 2009

hold it in, hold it in, hold it in...

i have that feeling in the back of my throat. nervousness. fear. a good cry could come any minute. as much as i would love to lock myself in my room & let out a good cry for a while, i'm holding it in (saving it for later i guess..?). i'm so nervous right now i don't think i've ever felt this nervous about anything before.

i have to go see my pediatric endocrinologist tomorrow, the same doctor i first saw when i was diagnosed with diabetes, the same doctor my mom switched me from because of how harsh he is, and because he has done a good job several times at making me break down in tears in his office a time or two over the years.

even though i should be happy because its the last time i'll ever have to go see him, i am dreading going to see him tomorrow because over the last year or so i have not proven to be "diabetic of the year" and i know it, i'm pretty sure he will let me know that tomorrow.

i think that i am nevous for several reasons. one, because i know i haven't done my best to take care of myself for the last year or so, two because i know i am a sensitive person and know that it doesn't take much for me to get my feelings hurt from something especially when i know everything my docotor will tell me tomorrow is true, three because i know how my health right now is and will affect/ing me in the future if i don't take care of it now...

obviously this is just me building up ideas of what could go down tomorrow at my appointment, instead of thinking the best of the situcation, but this is really nerve racking for me, and even though i know it will probably be the appointment i need to help me the most.

psalm fifty-six:three.

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