keep my eyes above the waves..

long time no write. i forgot it's kind of scary to spew your heart out for people to read.. even if it only makes sense to the person writing it.

"LINDSAY, the water is almost over your head these days, but you just have to keep looking at Me so it won't go over your head. I've never failed you before, so why would I fail you now...?"

I feel like this is all God is screaming at me right now, this week, the last few weeks maybe... this entire season of my life right now!!  EVERY aspect of my life & so many relationships that I am closely connected to are all God testing my faith more than ever these days.  To see how I'll come out in the end of this season, if I'm going to just let the water come up over my head & give up or if I'm going to keep looking at Him to keep my head above the water & believe it will be okay, no matter the outcome.

{SPIRIT LEAD ME 
WHERE MY TRUST IS WITHOUT BORDERS
LET ME WALK UPON THE WATERS
WHEREVER YOU WOULD CALL ME
TAKE ME DEEPER 
THAN MY FEET COULD EVER WANDER
AND MY FAITH WOULD BE MADE STRONGER
IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SAVIOUR...}


Literally every area in my life right now feels very {unknown} regarding the future & days to come, which is how it always is with the future, but it's different this time.  Being good or bad outcomes I still have this sense of peace about everything & hope that God is in control no matter the outcomes of certain situations.  He already has all the tiniest details worked out & a greater plan for me & everyone around me than {we} could ever imagine.

{WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE HIM ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE}

I have a problem with day-dreaming about the future & setting my heart in the future instead of focusing on living HERE in the present.. I started the new year hesitant about anything good coming in the future because {last} year was kind of yucky, but the Sunday before the new year started my pastor talked all about living in the present, not dwelling on the future or being stuck in the past.  So since then I've been TRYING my hardest to be content with NOW. I feel like God has been teaching me how to be OK with right now and where He has me for RIGHT now, not setting my heart in the days to come & not setting myself up for disappointment if something doesn't end how I had dreamed or hoped for.

All that ramble to say that God has always had this passage on my heart, but it's more on my heart now because I feel like God is gearing my heart up for the DAYS TO COME now.  Even though I'm trying my best to not live in the {future} He's saying "Hey Lindsay YOU NEED STRENGTH from Me to keep your head & heart above the water in the days to come right now.."

{SHE wears STRENGTH & DIGNITY & LAUGHS at the FUTURE}

So with the uncertainty about the days to come & the million of situations of people around me all I can focus on right now is that God is constantly calling me out of the boat & onto the water, even when I think I am about to sink He calls out & says "Keep your eyes on Me & you're not going to sink under the pressure" Even though I'm unsure about the days to come, I know that I still feel peace about it & am covered in the strength of the Lord to keep going & to not give up & to praise Him no matter what the days to come look like................ amen.

{Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. When he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”}

{picture via r. roath}

...oceans (where feet may fail)//hillsong

...romans eight:twenty-eight

...proverbs thirty-one:twenty-five

I have to work in a few hours..

remember when I used to write things...!? 

I currently can't sleep because.. who.  what.  where.  when.  why.  

via.

summer...

busy. sunglasses. kids. church. heat. girls. detroit. the moon. dresses. community. bar-b-q-ing. laughing. family. sunshine. anxious. iced coffee. skirts. prayer. growing pains. outside. curiosity. friends. watermelon. running. boyfriend. windows down. 

{most favorite picture from summer thus far.. love that Megan!!}

Passion push..

here is a Passion push, that I just "borrowed" from a super cute blog.. if you haven't experienced Passion conference.. you should in 2013!! I still can't believe I got to be a part of it this year!!

"Because I’m missing Passion 2012 a whole, whole lot today I want you to see this video. And I want you to buy a ticket to come next year. I want to see all of your sweet faces!

Find out more info about Passion 2013 HERE."
+check out this super cute blog by Nicole:: here.

{*spring break is so close I can taste it.. I can't wait.. Luke 11 has been on my mind all week.. to keep knocking, keep praying, keep talking to God about the good, the bad, & the ugly.. how He wants to bless me & grant me what He knows I need.. it's good.}

fruit..

"...but what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."
love. joy. peace. patience. kindness. goodness. faithfulness. gentleness. self-control.

{galatians five:twentytwo-twentythree}

GOD, HELP ME BEAR LOTS & LOTS OF FRUIT!!

smile..

SMILE...
at someone you don't know.

even if you're having a crappy day, week, or season.

fill in the blank...

1. I started my blog because.. I enjoy writing & spewing things out of my head onto word document & posting fun things!!

2. One thing I love seeing on other blogs.. pictures, cute outfits, & love stories!!

3. Something I love about blogging.. I get to share it with people vs. my journal which is just for my eyes!! :)

4. A favorite blog post of mine is probably.. a coffee conversation-esque blog I wrote to all females, including myself!! {you can read it here}

5. Something my friends in real life know about me that I've never before mentioned on my blog.. that I can be rather sassy sometimes.. :(

6. My new favorite blogs to read are .. Along the Way.., lowercase letters, & chalk with arrow!!

7. Some things I tend to avoid doing on my blog are.. over-posting in general!!

{linked from the little things we do!!}

ten at ten..

ten things I love for a miscellany monday..

1. hardwood floors..every house should have some.

2. french press coffee.

3. paris.. someday

4. being cozy.

5. sun flowers.
6. cute-practical outfits.
7. pesto..I need to make this sandy..yummy.
8. my people..big families are fun!!

9. my boyfriend. {I can't believe I've never put this picture on here before, he's cute!?}

10. being barefoot.. even during winter.

*that's just ten {randoms}...there's many other nouns I love heaps.

AND...I've never "linked" with another blog before!! check out other "miscellany monday's" via Carissa!!

{pictures via pinterst + my trusty iPhoto}

product push..

i am a journal-er.

i like to write things down!!

out of my plethora of journals that i have acquired & filled with words over the past few years... i have several that are my favorites.. and i want to share them with YOU!!

jill bliss.

{i just finished this one}

{and just started this one}

+ another one that doesn't have a picture anywhere...anyway, i love love LOVE everything about these journals!! and as a big-time journal-junkie.. that's huge!! i know it's weird, but i love the texture of the paper. i love the colors. i love that each one has a theme. i love that there are several different pages, including lines or pretty pictures. i like the size of them. and i love that i find them at cute little stationary/card shops all around town... and they're only $10!!

...so if you need a journal, go buy one of these, you'll fall in love too.

*ps it's raining, in late january, in michigan.

great grandma alice..

my {last}, great-grandparent went to be with Jesus yesterday.

thankfully I got to see her a few weeks ago while I was in Atlanta!!

such a gem of a woman.

she loved the Lord & talked to Him for hours & hours a day about everyone in our family + sending e-mails + checking up on everyone on facebook + reading my blog!! I hope I can be like her someday!!

she finally gets to be in the presence of our Savior, and again with her husband & her daughter!! gives me chills just thinking about it..

xx

{the song HOLY, by Matt Gilman...seemed quite fitting..}

desert soul..

Hey God, this is where I'm at {dry, desperate, broken, running, in need of rescue}:

{I LOVE YOU LORD, BUT I WANT TO LOVE YOU MORE

I NEED YOU GOD, BUT I WANT TO NEED YOU MORE

I AM LOST WITHOUT, YOUR CREATIVE SPARK IN ME

I AM DEAD INSIDE, UNLESS YOUR RESURRECTION SAVES

DESPERATE, FOR A DESPERATE HEART

ALL THAT I AM IS DRY BONES, WITHOUT YOU LORD

A DESERT SOUL.

I AM BROKEN BUT RUNNING, TOWARDS YOU GOD,

YOU MAKE ME WHOLE}

*this song has been driving me crazy the last few days because it's basically what's in my heart & head right now, in the form of a song by the rend collective.

PSALM EIGHTY-SIX

twenty-twelve

this is a lame, first blog for twenty-twelve..but i promise i will write something in here soon.

thankfully this semester is a little less crammed as last semester.

thus.. free friday's + a tiny bit more free time.. a tiny bit.

all in all life is still crazy & not slowing down.

*in other news, i got to be a part of 45,000 other people at #passion2012.. soo

n, soon, soon, i will write about it.

new favorite quote..

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"
{eleanor roosevelt}

new favorite quote.. I'm still working on my meaty blog. *fyi I keep a blog mostly for myself, but also to try to encourage people through it. soon, soon, soon... until then I will try to finish this week of school without pulling all my hair out.

{the fillmore girls.}

coming soon to a blog near you..

I HAVE A MILLION - AND - ONE THINGS I NEED TO / WANT TO WRITE ABOUT.. AND SOON, {VERY SOON} I WILL FINALLY HAVE A LITTLE TIME TO DO SO!!

SO GET EXCITED!!!

day dreaming...

the more time I spend in Detroit & the more people I connect with & meet the more my mind starts to drift & dream.

Thus causes me to blast Dreamers by Daniel Bashta in my ears, while gazing out the window at Thistle Coffee Shop on a gloomy fall afternoon.. {not doing homework...}

dreaming of...

...a broken city coming up from the ashes, into the Light.

...living amongst a community of people who have heaps of hope for a city that most of the world fears & have given up on.

...seeing God sweeping up the broken people who have lost the sight of hope for themselves & their city.

...everything we (as humans) deem impossible.. even though nothing is impossible for our God.

{picture: clf}

they'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
they'll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind
and make it new.
{isaiah sixty-one}

the heart..

"I WANT TO KNOW YOU, LET YOUR SPIRIT OVERWHELM ME, LET YOUR PRESENCE OVERTAKE MY HEART"

the presence of the living God overtaking my whole heart. holding it really, really, REALLY close, and not letting go of it, even for a second.

despite all the hurt, pain, heartache, heartbreak, wounds, tears, anger, the unknown, and the other million negative, worrisome emotions, feelings, & things that cause my heart to be heavy, dark, & a dangerous or scary part of myself to open...

God..is still coming really close to me, to take the heaviness & pain of this world away. to take the burdens off of my {really} fragile heart. to give me rest. peace. happiness. joy. love. even in the midst of valleys & storms.

{Therefore you, do not lose heart. Though outwardly you wasting away, yet inwardly you are being renewed day by day. For your light and momentary troubles are achieving for you, an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.}

HE overcame.

look for less..

I love Banana Republic, and the new collection, Mad Men has so many cute pieces that just came in, and this dress caught my eye last week -- $130

BUT I am a sucker for a good deal and it would take A LOT for me to spend that much money on a dress, so while thumbing through a very messy Forever 21 I came across basically the same dress -- $25

{I added a belt + necklace + pretty Leah!}

ten at ten..

it's august!?

ten things about this {almost over} summer of eleven::

one) twin has been home for a while & it feels like she never even left!
two) my friend became a mrs. & I had fun being a part of her special day!
three) bike rides + a cute basket
four) hot hot heat + tan skin
five) loving on my babies + creating everything under the sun with construction paper
six) learning lots about relationships with people + my relationship with God.
seven) I crossed something off of my list of 30 things to do before I'm 30: #20
eight) fireworks on a rooftop + in a park.
nine) a lot of romans twelve.
ten) a week in nashville: old friends, new friends, seeing God through three sweet little boys, hot & sweaty & getting hands dirty, a homeless man asked me to marry him, sweet little cousins, long bus rides.

romans 12...

be transformed by the renewing of your mind

love must be sincere, cling to what is good

honor others above yourself

joyful in hope

patient in affliction

faithful in prayer

being hospitable

share with the needy

rejoice with those who mourn

live in harmony

don't be proud

don't be conceded

overcome evil with good.

{+first john three:sixteen}

{photo credit: cfillmore}

MY TWIN IS ALMOST HOME!!!

Today is June 20th & I will see my long-lost-twin-sister for the first time since January 8th! It is weird because it seems like a really long time ago, but also kind of just seems like yesterday!

This has been the longest we've been apart our whole life & after being glued to each others hips for 21 years we finally were doing life on our own, separately from each other. having separate adventures, meeting people as Lindsay or Courtney not as "twins", & we survived & it was good!! God yet again awe's me by His perfect timing with her & I experiencing life on our own for this past season of our lives, becoming individuals, not just twins, not always having someone to come with us, wait with us, a security blanket always at hand!

I'm stoked to see her. Excited to tell her random things that aren't really that funny, but she listens to anyway, hear her long stories, hear the great things God has done in her heart & life in the last few months, stay up late with her, talk in code, get to know her again, just spend time with her!!


I'm praying, praying, & praying some more that adjusting to being "twins" again goes smoothly & we pick up right where we left off!

This is a rich life I live.. thank God for a weekend full of people that make me smile, cool-summer nights, family, & a lot of veggin'!

Here's to a good start of a long next two months of watching babies everyday, being a twin again, & trying to have a little bit of free time!!

ten at ten..

ten at ten..

one) Michigan skipped spring, 40's to 90's... I'm digging the hot & sweaty lifestyle the last few weeks!

two) my skin is starting to look sun-kissed & it's not even officially summer yet! Typically it takes at least until the end of July for me to look somewhat tan!!

three) I don't think people understand the craziness of how soon my long lost twin comes home! We're talking two weeks from yesterday!!!!!!!!

*four) The last few days I've been in a funk making me really frustrated, annoyed, & in a bratty mood.. but thankfully it was just a funk, and I'm realizing I'm just really kind of selfish & God is just using circumstances to show me He's in control... not me!
{AND it's just always a punch/slap in the face for me to snap out of because I am SOOOOO spoiled with the life God has given me.. I might not have a million dollars laying around but I'm spoiled & take SO much in this life I've been given for granted wayyyy too easily & I let the feelings of wanting more or not being satisfied get in the way of my thanks/surrendering it all back the One who gave it to me...holla at my mumma for good heart/reality checks.}

five) I've been trying to avoid pants of any sort the last few weeks. Skirts & dresses please! {soon my twin will return home with several dresses waiting for me to borrow..!!}

six) Due to the lack of reliable radio in my car it is obnoxious having to find something to listen to while driving that is not fussy or country music.. so thanks to our friends in the North, CBC Radio 2 has become my new favorite thing in the morning while I drive to work & in the afternoon when I drive home.. I'm obsessed.

seven) I've been dating a pretty sweet guy that I had a crush on for a long time..for seven months now?! It's crazy & makes me happy!

eight) I'm going to Wayne State in the fall {FINALLY!!!!} & one of my sisters roommates is moving out in August.. hmm...

*nine) I've been reading a lot of my old journals lately.. it's SO crazy how different only a year can look from one to the next!?!? Good, bad, ugly, & everything in-between!!!

ten) Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros just came on my iTunes.. I think I will still enjoy this song until I'm 99 years old.

*kind of related: old journals & writing about the good, the bad, & the ugly, being spoiled with this rich life, all kind of correlate.

xox

my dad is cute.

who YOU are..

i like regular routines.
i like organized schedules.
i like to know what's going on!

BUT

i also like spontaneity.
i like organized clutter.
i like lazy-do-nothing-days.

BUT too much of that, is too much!!
i was a very happy girl walking out of my last final exam for school this past semester, planning all my days of sleeping in, doing some yoga when i wanted to, running outside anytime during the day, meeting my boyfriend for lunch, staying up late for no reason, being l-a-z-y because school was done!
{all in this weird stage between me getting out school, not being in any summer classes, & the calm before the storm of watching THREE kids four days a week for the rest of the summer...}

but i've found that too much of this... is NOT good for me. i miss having a regular routine, knowing what my schedule would potentially look like at the beginning of each week! i feel like my whole life is just really REALLY unorganized right now. {in every aspect of the word} i was almost on the verge of a nervous break down this week because i feel like all the disorganization in my life right now, not just my schedule, but my room, my car, my work schedule, the way i'm eating/taking care of myself, all the free time................is all draining me & my relationship with God.

obviously i can't blame all the scatteredness that on my lack of spending time with God, laying down everything in my life for Him, soaking up His words, talking to Him, listening for Him, seeing Him, but the laziness is definitely seeping into my relationship with God & its really frustrating & annoying.

its of course in all these times that God's like: "OK Lindsay, i've been waiting for you to just come spend time with me! you know you can't do anything without Me, I want to give you peace, rest, and make you not feel anxious or frustrated!"

so it made me stop & think & finally get this desire, want back to fight for my relationship with God, that i can't just sit back & let it unfold in front of me & expect it to be useful/beneficial/thriving (there's a word I'm looking for, but I can't put my finger on it!?) like a text from a sweet friend about Galatians 5 & just all around being reminded of who HE is from a desperation band song called who You are..

so now i'm feeling motivated, refreshed, & renewed.. ready to beat this laziness spell with productivity & spending more time with my Maker..

so much goodness & blessing in my life to not spend time giving it all back to Him..


{i feel like i write things like this & they don't make sense, but that's ok, writing is like therapy for me, whether it makes sense or not!} xox

*ps my twin comes home in: 23ish days.

overcome...

I just stumbled upon this in my journal from a few weeks ago, I had been soaking on the word(s) overwhelm & overcome around Easter time.. thus left me listening to several songs with the two words in them & then writing about what they really mean...

{I just posted the song Take Heart by Hillsong, but I stole the order of these words from that song}
...troubles, tears, HOPE, failure, fear, LOVE, heartache, pain, HEALER, burdens, shame, FREEDOM, JUSTICE, GRACE, REFUGE, STRENGTH:: HE has o v e r c o m e.

courtney..

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS LAST NIGHT WHERE I WAS REALLY HAPPY, BUT SAD AT THE SAME TIME.. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MAKES SENSE, BUT I WAS JUST LAYING IN MY BED LAST NIGHT TALKING TO GOD NOT BEING ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP (OF COURSE...) AND I JUST FINALLY EXPLODED. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BOTTLED EVERYTHING UP CONCERNING COURTNEY UNTIL NOW. AND SHE IS COMING HOME SOON!?

I BURST INTO TEARS LITERALLY CRYING OUT TO GOD TO HAVE HIS HAND OVER HER MORE THAN EVER RIGHT NOW, AS SHE GOES INTO A PART OF THAILAND IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS TO SPEND A MAJORITY OF THE REMAINDER OF HER TRIP WHERE SEX TRAFFICKING IS AT A HIGH & WHERE THE PEOPLE OF THAILAND DO NOT LIKE OR TRUST ANY AMERICANS DUE TO THE FACT THAT THEIR ONLY EXPERIENCE WITH "AMERICANS" ARE A SELECT FEW DISGUSTING HUMAN BEINGS WHO CALL THEMSELVES MEN WHO COME TO STEAL INNOCENCE & TREAT OTHER HUMAN BEINGS LIKE OBJECTS FOR THEIR OWN PLEASURE.

SO I HAVE A PLEA FOR PRAYER.
I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER.
I BELIEVE IN A GOD WHO HEARS HIS CHILDREN WHEN THEY CALL.
I NEED HIS CHILDREN TO PRAY WITH ME.
FOR MY SISTER.
FOR MY TWIN.
MY OTHER HALF.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.
GOING INTO UTTER DARKNESS TO SPREAD THE HOPE & REAL, GENUINE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST.


GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO HER IN THE ALMOST WHOLE YEAR SINCE THE BEGINNING OF HER ADVENTURE:: HER FIRST APPLYING FOR YWAM, GETTING ACCEPTED, RAISING MONEY, AND MORE MONEY, AND THEN SOME MORE MONEY, KEEPING HER SAFE, HEALTHY, ALL AROUND GREAT. TEACHING HER NEW THINGS. SHAPING HER HEART.

SO I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID I WASN'T SCARED FOR HER. WORRIED FOR HER. ANXIOUS FOR HER. WISHING I COULD PROTECT HER.

SHE & THE REST OF HER TEAM NEED PRAYER, I NEED PRAYER, THE PEOPLE THEY'LL BE MEETING/FORMING RELATIONSHIPS WITH NEED PRAYER.

{all our fear, God our love, He has overcome}

overwhelm {me}...

I should be finishing my homework right now... but Isaiah 61 & I Want to know You by Jesus Culture are distracting me, making me want to jump up & down::

soak up some truth & goodness...

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
{isaiah sixty-one}

{Grace never ending
Your hands they carry me
Your body is broken
for all the world to see
my heart is held
by love so unconditional
You captivate me
let Your spirit overwhelm me
let Your presence overtake my heart...}

{picture, totally unrelated:: just r-e-a-l-l-y missing my twin right now..
it has officially been the longest we've gone without communication.}

good friday..

{I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO MISS THIS SWEET OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIENCE A NIGHT OF WORSHIP & REFLECTION OF THE MOMENTS LEADING UP TO THE DEATH OF OUR SAVIOUR & A CELEBRATION OF HIS RESURRECTION!!!}

team Thailand...

my sister has been in Thailand for almost a week now & I got this cute, short, but sweet e-mail from her this morning:

"Hey I'm staying in a legit hut in a remote part of thai outside of mai sot ...so yeah! And ALL meals are rice...little to no english is spoken and all of the dts students are from the burmese refugee camp... Okay bye"

....just continue to pray for her, her team, safety, & the people they'll be sharing Jesus with!

TEAM THAILAND from Scott Berry on Vimeo.

excitement..

I should definitely be finishing my homework right now, but I can't help but stop for a while & read, write, & reflect on the things God has done, is doing, & is going to do in & through my life right now!

A few weeks ago I wrote in my journal; "God I need just enough faith, I need faith to believe the impossible in my life, help my unbelief", then a few days later I wrote out a list of God-sized things in my life that are seemingly impossible for me, but not for my God.

Because I've asked God for huge things in my life in the past {some of which I've been writing & writing & writing & writing some more}, but didn't have 100% faith that He could fulfill them, big or small. That what I was asking for, the God of the universe couldn't make happen with the snap of a finger.

I had a twinge of doubt deep inside.. the doubt has slowly but surely been shedding from my mind & I'm REALLY starting to truly believe & acknowledge the greatness of my God & the miraculous things He can & will do. Getting rid of the twinge of doubt & also changing my list from the selfish things that I think I need to asking for the desires of God's heart to be desires of my heart as well.

Doubt still seeps in sometimes, but the power of God covers it & sends signs to show me He's constantly working in mysterious & miraculous ways, that leave me speechless, thankful, & feeling really spoiled!

Not everything on my list has & maybe never will come to fruition or be answered with a clear yes, no, or not yet, but several of them have & it's just crazy how SO many things in my life {BIG & small} can't be explained except for God. God. God.

HIS grip..

"your HEAVENLY FATHER has a firm grip on you. HIS vantage point is way above the water level. HE'S bigger than you. HE'S stronger than you. and HE'S got you safely in HIS grip. it gets better: when you get down to it, you're not the one holding on to HIM -- HE'S holding on to you. maybe you're afraid that if you pray a sun stand still prayer & live in audacious faith, you'll end up letting GOD down. but the reality is, you were never holding HIM up."
--steven furtick, sun stand still

wait? wait.

I'VE BEEN DEBATING WITH MYSELF ABOUT WHAT "WORD" I WOULD DECLARE AS MY OWN TO SOMEHOW (IN TWO MINUTES..) BE ABLE TO VERBALIZE WHAT GOD HAS DONE IN MY LIFE. MY TWO WORD STORY.

{side note: when I think of these "two word stories" i think of what someone was BEFORE they knew Christ & how the SAME word is used in their story AFTER they began to know Christ how the meaning or significance of the word changed... i got saved when i was six years old. so what defined me before i knew Christ as a six year old? i lied to my mom about why i hit one sister or called the other sister stupid? so I'm using a word that has defined me & changed in meaning to me most significantly since I've been in college...up until now!}

I LIKE WORDS. I LOVE WORDS ACTUALLY. I LOVE DICTIONARIES. I LOVE THESAURUS' MORE. I LIKE TO TALK, BUT SOMETIMES I TALK TOO MUCH. WHILE OTHER TIMES I DON'T HAVE WORDS TO VERBALIZE, SO I HAVE TO EXPRESS THEM VIA WRITING OR TYPING THEM. SO IT'S TAKEN ME A LITTLE WHILE TO FINALLY SETTLE ON JUST ONE WORD.

w a i t {? / .}

SO LOW & BEHOLD, HERE'S MY {PROBABLY MORE THAN} TWO MINUTE STORY...

weakness: impatience.
IT'S NOTHING I'M PROUD OF, BUT I DON'T TEND TO BE A VERY PATIENT PERSON.
I CAN BE, BUT I HAVE TO ASK GOD TO FILL ME WITH IT EVERY MORNING!!!!!
I LIKE TO DRIVE FAST.
GET FROM POINT A TO POINT B AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
I AVOID LONG LINES.
I DON'T WAIT FOR CLOSE PARKING SPOTS WHEN I CAN PARK A FEW SPOTS FARTHER FROM THE DOOR & GET INSIDE JUST AS QUICKLY AS I COULD HAVE IF I HAD WAITED FOR THE CLOSER SPOT. {I GET EXCITED WHEN I GET A GOOD SPOT WITHOUT TRYING THOUGH!!}
I LIKE FAST RESULTS.
I LIKE TO JUST KNOW.
I WANT TO KNOW, NOW.
NOT IN FIVE MINUTES OR TEN YEARS: RIGHT NOW.

...wait?
THUS... I AM ALWAYS YEARNING FOR DETAILS. I LIKE TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, EVEN BEFORE IT HAPPENS. SUSPENSE KILLS ME. I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES. I'M ANXIOUS & ANTSY ABOUT THE FUTURE. I DAY DREAM A LOT. I'VE WASTED PRECIOUS TIME WISHING MY LIFE AWAY. I'VE SPENT A LONG TIME WALLOWING IN SELF PITY WANTING SOMETHING MORE OR WAITING FOR SOMETHING ELSE & NOT BEING SATISFIED WITH WHERE I'M AT.

IN MY JOURNAL {MORE OFTEN TIMES THAN NOT} I'VE WRITTEN TO GOD: OK GOD, WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY? I. NEED. TO. KNOW.... NOW.

MORE RECENTLY I WENT THROUGH A FEW MONTHS OF JUST QUESTIONING GOD. BEING FRUSTRATED WITH GOD. WONDERING "WHEN IN THE WORLD GOD ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING IN MY FAVOR FOR ONCE, BLESS ME. GIVE ME THIS. DO THAT. SHOW ME CLEARLY WHICH WAY TO GO." LITERALLY IN TEARS NIGHT AFTER NIGHT PLEADING TO GOD FOR DIRECTION, ANSWERS, SIGNS, A JOB, HEALING, MOTIVATION, THE LIST GOES ON... {selfishly waiting on God}

selfishness. controlling. contempt. worry. jealousy. envy. anxiousness. lack of faith. lack of trust.

...wait.
me: GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG FOR THIS, FOR THAT, FOR YOU TO DO THIS, FOR YOU TO DO THAT?!

god: BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO LEARN HOW TO BE PATIENT.
SO YOU CAN LEARN TO TRUST IN MY PLAN FOR YOU & BELIEVE THAT I WANT TO BLESS YOU & GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART.
THAT MY TIMING IS PERFECT.
THAT I BRING YOU THROUGH SEASONS & VALLEYS TO GET YOU READY FOR WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU ON THE NEXT PAGE, IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.
SO THAT YOU'LL LEARN TO SIT BACK & ENJOY THE STORY UNFOLDING INSTEAD OF ALWAYS WANTING TO READ THE LAST PAGE FIRST.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE. HE'S THE ONE WHO WROTE IT, NOT ME, I'M JUST A CHARACTER IN THIS STORY. SO I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE WAITING FOR WHAT IS ON THE NEXT PAGE OR IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

SO HERE I AM NOW, FINDING CONTENTMENT, HAVING REAL FAITH, COMPLETELY TRUSTING, ABSOLUTELY BELIEVING, BEING TOTALLY SATISFIED, LETTING GO OF ALL CONTROL, & HAVING HOPE IN MY GOD PAVING THE WAY FOR ME. WRITING EVERY WORD JUST HOW IT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN, DEVELOPING DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF THE STORY AS THEY NEED TO DEVELOP.

IT'S KIND OF SCARY & NERVE WRACKING WHEN YOU'RE WALKING BLINDLY THROUGH THE PLOT TO A STORY, BUT COMFORTING WHEN THE AUTHOR REMINDS YOU HE LOVES YOU, ALREADY HAS THE STORY WRITTEN, & KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING NEXT, WHEN I DON'T.

ALL THE TIME I'VE SPENT {AND WILL SPEND} WAITING ON GOD, WAS {IS} TIME HE WAS {IS} TEACHING ME PATIENCE, SHOWING ME HE'S IN CONTROL, LETTING ME LOOK BACK & RECOGNIZE THAT HIS TIMING IS PERFECT, & THAT HE DOES NOT DELAY... THAT HE WAS {IS} LITTLE BY LITTLE PREPARING ME FOR WHAT WAS {IS} ON THE NEXT PAGE, NOT LEAVING ME IN THE DARK TO AGGRAVATE ME!!

feeling content. heaps of faith. lots of trust. pure belief. satisfaction. comfort. goodness. hope.

{wait} for the LORD, be strong & take heart, and {wait} for the LORD.
those who {wait} for the LORD will renew their strength, they will run & not grow weary.
I {wait} for the LORD, my whole being {waits} and in his word I put my hope.
but if we hope for what we do not have yet, we {wait} for it patiently.

HE will not delay..

This past week seems like it's been dragging on more than usual? I don't know why, but it was just kind of a horrible week with school, my car, just feeling really negative & blue, & missing my sister(s). But it was such a rich weekend with the 400-some people I got to experience God with, so that should have left me in a really good mood all week!

I definitely think it was the Devil trying to seep his way into my heart for sure. Just every morning this week was awful & leaving me in a bad, nasty mood, instead of making the best out of the worst or rejoicing & being glad. BUT low and behold my Lisa came in & saved the day(s) with a pep-talk/reminder/encouragement that made me remember I was trying to finish these thoughts LAST week, but forgot about them..

So my mom is full of a lot of wisdom & good-solid-advice.. which I am SO thankful for, I hope if I have a daughter someday, I can pour as much wisdom & good advice into her as my mom always has into me!! BUT all that to say ONE of the good things she ALWAYS reminds me of is the only three ways God answer's prayer requests, no matter how big or small: Yes. No. Wait.

{At Lighthouse two weeks ago Cliff talked about Habakkuk & how he was waiting on an answer from God & I read these verses over the weekend on our retreat..so I had to finish writing about it!!}

US: How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
GOD: Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.

{For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay!!!!!!!!!!!}

So we get on our knees before God, asking him for this or that {you fill in the blank}. Waiting for God to answer our pleads. Obviously we wouldn't mind if God answered everything we prayed about with a YES or in the way WE want them to be answered... but there are times when we have to reluctantly be content with a no or a not yet.

Those are the seasons that might seem like a valley or leave us angry with why God isn't answering our prayer the way WE want Him to. Or these seasons of "no" or "wait" can be used to grow closer to the Him...

If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, then God is still paving the way for something great coming our way. If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, maybe God is using that time to bring us closer to Him. If it's not time for something to happen in our story yet, we need to keep our eyes & heart open for the little things, all leading to the end result our God has for us.

When God says "no" to something as much as it hurts to swallow that {especially if it's something we were SO sure about} and as hard as it is to accept a straight up NO, maybe not right then, but eventually you'll start to see exactly why God said no to something or didn't make something happen in the way WE wanted it to. We start to pray harder, or more frequently, trying to fight the NO. Trying to change God's mind somehow. When that happens to me, I'm so sure of something and then it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to, I can always see later on that it was really a blessing that God had a different plan for me rather than giving me what I thought I needed. We serve a gracious God, who wants & desires the BEST for us, He knows what we need, WHEN we need it. He doesn't delay.

{another thing my mom always tells me is if God doesn't answer our prayers in a way we wanted Him to or the way we thought He was going to (a NO or a WAIT) that He has something ELSE, something BETTER waiting for us...that He's still preparing us for!!}

Then there's the times when God gives us what we've been praying for. A yes. He answers a prayer {big or small} with a YES. A go ahead. A it's time. He doesn't delay. He knows we're ready for something, He knows it's time for this or that. What!? It's exciting & scary at the same time. Too good to be true. Blessing. Joy. Happiness. Undeserving. It's almost like this answer is more work than a "wait" or a "no" because it's a constant, day to day surrender to the One who blessed us with our YES. Giving up whatever it is He's blessed us with & remembering none of it's ours.

{in other news totally unrelated, it needs to be s p r i n g already.}